Posted on January 31, 2009 12:00 PM, Filed under Jokes
Moorkh tha Shahjahan jo kar gaya kharcha itna TAJ par, Kambakht har din ek nayi Mumtaz aa jati us kharche ke BYAAZ par.
Santa and Banta were looking at Egyptian mummy.
Santa: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Banta: Aaho, lorry number is also written… BC 1760 !!!
Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.
For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape. Likewise, a baby baboon will
become an adult baboon.
A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.
A baby jackass will always become a jackass.
A puppy quickly matures into a dog.
A mongrel pup develops into a cur.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to
their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,
"He Snores while I Masturbate."
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says... "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Question. What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?
Answer. A Lickalotopuss.
Santa aur Jeeto mein larai ho gayi, Santa ghar se chala gaya.
Santa raat ko phone pay: Khanay mein kia hai?
Jeeto: Zehar.
Husb: Main dair se aaonga, tum kha kar so jana.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good, is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Question. Why is 69 position called as smokers style?
Answer. Because while she is enjoying cigar, he is cleaning ashtray.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes,
father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word “service.”
The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City Public Service, and I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “Service” meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull “Service” a few of his cows.
WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those “Service” agencies are doing to us.
Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Polite, Energetic, Nutty, Industrious, Sensitive.
And if all else fails, read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!
A blonde in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So she packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
She starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, YOU WILL FIND NO FISH
UNDER THAT ICE.
The blonde looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice repeats, YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
The blonde looks up again and says, Is this God trying to warn me?
The voice says NO, I M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.
One day there was this blonde that pulled up to a gas station. She filled her car with gas then went to the gas station clerk. Then she asked him for a hanger. The clerk asked her why and she replied that she locked her keys in the car. So the clerk gave the blonde the hanger.
Thirty minutes later the clerks sees the same blonde outside. So the clerk decides to help
them out.
The blonde says, “No thanks.”
All of a sudden there was another blonde in the car saying, “A little bit to the left.”
A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.
“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment.”
“But,”, the blonde protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”
Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in
the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me,
I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first fisherman.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second fisherman, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets
tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.”
And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically.
“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the fisherman, said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!”
Polygon of Womanly Virtue
Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villian Curly PI, and factored (oh horrors!).
Once upon a time (1/T) Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct.
As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh!" she gasped..
"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent!"
"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never!" gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algoritmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's locii quivered. He integrated her by parts. He integrated her by fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of the sad story is this:
"If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market - Jay Leno
A blonde brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.
In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated
“right” as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the blonde returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at a large gathering, and his blonde hostess broached a subject of which the doctor was most at ease.
“Doctor, would you mind telling me,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question, one which anyone should be able to answer without any problem. If he or she hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?” asked the hostess.
“Well, you might ask, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?” the doctor replied.
The blonde thought for a moment, then said, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I’ve never known very much about history!”
Question. What do women and tax forms have in common?
Answer. Men love to cheat on them.
A woman was arrested for shop lifting when she went before the judge in Birmingham, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say Something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Santa: What kind of a wife do you want?
Pappu: Exactly like moon, which appears in the night and disappears in the morning!
Question. What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can’t get it he uses his hands?
Answer. Fork
A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his
first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine.
As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe...
Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!!
Samunder kinare baithe hain .... Kabhi to lehar aayegi...
Kismat badle na badle .... GAAND to dhul jayegi.
A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what is a lover?”
“A lover?” the grandmother said. “Let me think. Lov…. Lover…. Oh, my God!”
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
People who do lots of work…make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work…make less mistakes,
People who do no work…make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes…get promoted.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the cigarette and think about the workers in the cigarette factory and all of their hopes and dreams. If I dont smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered, then I say to myself, it’s better that I smoke this cigarette and let their dreams come true then be selfish and worry about my LUNGS.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an Election.
One of the biggest problems of the world is that the stupid ones are damn sure and the intelligent ones are full of doubts!
Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily - you will die 10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily - you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!
Prostitution is a "hole sale" business.
Call girl: Rs: 10000
Hotel room: Rs. 1000
Condom: Rs. 10
Erection: ??
. . . . .
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's MASTERCARD!
Question. What is the difference between Poetry and Essay?
Answer. Any Word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by a Wife is an ESSAY!
Every Lady hopes that her daughter will marry a Better Man than she did and is convinced that her son'll never find a wife as Good as his father did!
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.
Chinese track coach was asked how they are producing such fast runners.
Coach: It’s really quite simple, we use real bullets in our starting guns!
A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for a girl. The madam figures, since he's blind, she'll just give him an inflatable, lifesize doll -- he won't know the difference. So the man goes in the room with the inflatable girl and comes outfive minutes later. The madam asks him what happened and he says, “I slapped her ass, she farted and blew out the window.”