Naturally, as the comments noted by guardians above indicate, there had been many challenges along the way. Special guardians were asked to note what had been most challenging for them. Where things were not perceived to be going well, the rewards were clearly fewer.
‘I can't say that we find it rewarding as looking after our child has been hard for us at
times. He seems to be unhappy and doesn't get on with both my husband and I at the
moment.’
Overall, guardians were less likely to report that Special Guardianship had been the right decision for them and for their child where children were perceived to be less integrated within the family and where their developmental progress had been poorer.131 In a sense, therefore, these negative reflections were the product of experience and the stresses to which this gave rise.
Some guardians mentioned the tensions that had arisen during the early phases of adjustment to life in the family, for which sometimes they had felt ill-prepared. Even where the new child was well known to the family, where other children were already living in the household the strength of the rivalries and jealousies that ensued could be surprising. Similar adjustments were also needed where birth parents were relinquishing care of their children to their mothers or sisters. In many cases, like the illustration below, the situation eased over time as relationships became more cemented.
‘Managing our own daughter's jealousy of the new child was something we had never
anticipated. Also we found that her mother was difficult in the early years of the order. I believe that this also arose from a jealousy of me having her daughter and having legal rights over her; something she couldn't have anticipated either when she asked me to care for [her child]. There was also the bonding with a new child, and for me this was more difficult than I thought it would be. I have grown to love her over the years but in the early days it was really difficult dealing with her little ways when there wasn't the foundations in place to build on, because although I cared about her I didn't love her
131
Kendall’s tau-b: Family Integration Measure by right decision for guardian (p=.006, t .243, n=105); for child (p=.013, t .221, n=105). Developmental progress scale by right decision for guardian (p=.073, t .147, n=103); for child (p=.015, t .202, n=103).
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unconditionally as I have always done with my own child, and it was this unconditional
love that saw me through some of the difficult patches with her.’
(Maternal great aunt)
Some key areas of difficulty involved themes that are by now quite familiar. Some guardians highlighted the difficulties involved in caring and advocating for children with complex long-term physical or mental health conditions. Other guardians noted difficulties arising from the attempt to provide and reinforce discipline and boundaries where children had not previously experienced them. Some also mentioned the physical and mental anxiety that was associated with managing children who had continuing aggressive or unpredictable behaviour patterns.
‘His behaviour is very unpredictable so I always have to be on 'my guard' with hm. As a
single parent I don't get the chance to 'switch off' unless he sleeps over at my parents'
or brother's house.’
‘Past trauma and damage to [our child]; constantly dealing with his challenging
behaviours, which leaves us absolutely exhausted mentally and physically; needing to
keep going day after day no matter what.’
Taking up the care of children within the family, even though undertaken willingly, involved a considerable sense of loss. Those who were parenting for the first time or those, such as
grandparents, who were resuming care of often very small children once their own had reached adulthood, had many life adjustments to make. Some gave up or had to reduce their employment. Some planning their retirement had to put these life plans on hold. Grandparents sometimes saw the major challenge as coping with the day-to-day care of children when their own reserves of energy were dwindling and worrying about what would happen to the children in the future if their health failed. First-time parents had also had important psychological adjustments to make as their former more complex identities gradually became subsumed under the concept of ‘mum’; mums whose friendship networks and former social lives had gradually dwindled.
'Mum' has become my new personality and there doesn't seem to be anything else. It's
hard having no free time to myself or freedom to do my own thing anymore.’
‘I’m finding it a bit hard keeping up with them at my age. I wish I was younger and had
more energy.’
‘Explaining the suicide of their father; explaining their mother's mental illness; needing
to stay healthy for a considerable time in my 'autumn' years.’
As indicated in this last comment, some guardians found the biggest challenge to be linked to their child’s need for a coherent life story and for explanations of why they were living where they were, why their birth parents were no longer present in the their life and/or why they could not live with them. Some had started to use life story books as a way of providing this coherence. Explanations needed to be repeated at various stages of the child’s life and in different ways so that the child could present him or herself appropriately to the outside world. Children also found ways of testing the reliability and predictability of their new home. Providing this reassurance, when children’s prior experiences had involved disruption and loss, could be a major challenge.
‘Reassuring her at first that we weren't going to let her down, that we were not the same as all the previous adults in her life and that we were always going to be there for her. It was really difficult for her to believe that at first, seeing as it was just words which I am
sure had been said to her over and over again by various adults.’
Connected to these issues, relationships between the child, the guardian and the child’s birth parents was the most frequently reported area of greatest difficulty.132 Alongside financial strain, it was also the area where the lack or unpredictable nature of local authority support was most acutely felt. Where these relationships were strained, the management of birth family relationships could be highly problematic. Sometimes birth parents failed to understand the implications of Special Guardianship and, in the view of guardians, actually worked to undermine the child’s relationship with the guardian. In other scenarios, parents with substance misuse or mental health problems would be unpredictable in their pattern of contact, frequently letting the child down, or were prone to bouts of aggressive behavior. Kinship carers sometimes also felt a sense of guilt trying to control the behavior of their sister or daughter when it came to contact arrangements and bemoaned the limited amount of support from the local authority that was available to help them.
‘Calibrating and marshalling their exposure to their mother. It is extremely mentally tiring
having to keep on top of this and their mother is intimidating and aggressive at times. It really doesn't feel natural telling your sister when, where and how she can be exposed
to her own children, however much she has lost the right to do so.’
‘His birth parents are always trying to undermine all we do, so there is always a problem
at every visit. Their visits must be reduced to keep our child safe from disorder.’
‘Coping with how upset the children were when their parents kept letting them down
and trying to rebuild their confidence again afterwards.’
The issues surrounding the potentially difficult area of birth family relationships will form the substance of our next chapter.