When discussing the experiences of being a support person and also the support which was accessed, it became evident that three participants differed from the others. There was a sense of acceptance of not only their role but also recognition and understanding that the choices and behaviours of the individual they supported were not their responsibility. However, to get to this stage, it required a process of adjustment and appeared to be a difficult conclusion to reach. While this acceptance had been welcomed, there did however seem to be a conflict in that there was still a huge emotional bond with the individual they support, which can make it difficult to move on from the role entirely:
“I feel more accepting that my son’s addiction is not my fault; he had a loving family, a loving home, wanted for nothing. Something happened that made him want to take drugs, and what that is I might never know, but as I said earlier he is a grown man, and I can’t keep living my
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going on holiday now or trips away as it used to before. I hope one day he changes and stops his drug use, but I can’t hold out for a day that might never come. I can just always be
there when he needs me [smiling”]. [Participant 7]
This quote suggests acceptance of no longer blaming themselves and recognising that the substance use was not the participant's fault. It further suggests that although this role still provides challenges and worry, there has been a shift within the role that has allowed the participant to no longer let the role consume and impact as much on their wellbeing. It ends with a tone of hope. While the participant identifies that they have no control over the individual’s level of drug use, there is a warmness in both the words and the physical actions of smiling that reinforce that there was still hope and acceptance. Another participant discussed this notion of hope:
“He’s still my brother; he’s still that person, he’s not defined by his use of drugs and I will never let that be the definition of him for myself or for anyone. You always have hope, well
for me anyway, that will never go away, it’s tested at times yes to the max but yeah you never let that fade, I think once that goes [Hope] then you have nothing left”.
[Participant 8]
Hope appeared to be one of the differences between the participants who had reached this stage of acceptance and those that had not. Whilst there remained difficulties and conflict within the role, all participants at this stage discussed that a vital part of the role, and managing the position, is by being able to recognise and install hope into their situations. It may not always be this way and that the individual being supported may be able to recover.
Another participant described their story and stage in line with ‘moving on’. It highlights reflection within the support person role over their journey and the value of the support they received. This description further encompasses the notion of acceptance and adaptation within their support person’s role:
“I think I have kind of moved on now. I have been going for three years now, and I feel that I want to kind of move on now, so I won’t be going back…and if I do go back, then it means things aren’t good and really bad again, which they may well do I don’t know. But I feel that I
have moved on and I, I like the people there, some have been going for years, some are new, but I kind of feel like I don’t want to immerse myself in that world every second
Wednesday”. [Participant 5]
This quote further highlights that there has been a shift within the support persons role, a sense of adapting has taken place from the priority being on the support person and their loved ones needs to the needs and wellbeing of the support person themselves. This
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participant explains that while they value the support that they have received, they are now focusing on themselves and no longer feel that the support group needs to be a constant, but instead, it is always there should they need to re-access it.
“Of course, there are things I would do; differently, hindsight is a wonderful thing, but my other two are fine, they are doing just grand. They showed me that I will always love him, but
he is not my responsibility, he’s his own responsibility. My responsibility is me, and I have to make sure that I’m alright. Talking to someone who knew what was what helped encourage
and assert myself and made me realise I can’t save him, all I can do is save myself”. [Participant 5]
The above quote identifies this shift and process of acceptance and moving on as part of the support person role. It is apparent that there is an element of reflection on how and why things may have occurred; however, the participant no longer felt that the substance use was their fault or indeed their responsibility. From the interviews, it was evident that this was a long and at times emotional process for the support person to reach a stage of acceptance and ultimately to allow themselves the permission to focus on themselves and moving on from the role.
The third participant reflected on the support they provided to the individual with substance use issues and how this had changed from being wrong or entering a blame culture of what could have been done differently to acceptance:
“I think it’s certainly made my parents think what have they done wrong what could they have done differently, but I think we’ve got to a point now where it’s you know you have to look past that. It's not about what have we done wrong it’s about the choices that he’s made
even given all the support and information that he has, you have to take a stand at some point and say no this is you, you’re making the decision, its self-destructive behaviour but
you’re aware of it”. [Participant 8].
The three participants who seemed to have reached this stage of acceptance and allowed themselves to “move on” the relationship to the person being supported were a mother, a father and a brother. Different relationships did not appear to make a difference to the individual being supported and at what point the support person may wish to detach themselves from this role.