his looks.
Voice
A lot of guys go through their lives thinking that it’s what they say to a woman that counts. They spend countless hours memorizing ‘openers’ and ‘material’ that they think will work at attracting women.
As a matter of fact, it’s not what you say that’s nearly so important as how you say it. As a matter of fact, communication is only 5% the words that come out of your mouth. Of the remainder, 75% is non-verbal – meaning, body language, eye contact, and movement – and fully 20% is your manner of speaking. (Desmond Morris, The Pocket Guide to
Manwatching.)
What this means for you is that, if you can get your voice and mode of speaking sorted out, as well as your body language (on this, more later), it almost doesn’t even matter what you say – women will often consider you attractive anyway.
This is a very empowering thought, as to most men, thinking of ‘what to say’ to a woman is truly a difficult proposition and entails much preparation and ‘blanking’ on the spot.
When it comes to your voice, there are 3 major components contributing directly to your perceived attractiveness. The first is the depth of your voice, the second is the speed at which you speak, and the third is the softness of your voice.
If you’ve ever spent time people watching, or even in just about any social situation, you’ll have had the opportunity to observe nervous people.
You’ll notice how someone who is nervous or anxious is not only unattractive, but they are also characteristically conversing in a high-pitched voice and are speaking very fast – and,
often, very loudly.
These three things make you look scared, unconfident, and generally low-value.
Fast speech is a global marker of someone who’s afraid that others won’t care what they have to say – they speak overly fast in the hopes of jamming it all into the conversation before others lose interest.
A high tone of voice signifies emasculation and nerviness (an excess of the fight-or-flight chemicals, adrenaline and cortisol, in the bloodstream, contract your vocal cords, leading to ‘squeakiness’.)
And lacking control over the volume of your voice signifies low self-awareness and general social anxiety. Extreme loudness makes you an irritating person to talk to, and will drive others away.
Let’s deal with these 3 things one step at a time.
How to lower your voice
The essence of speaking with a low-pitched, stereotypically masculine voice – the kind that really resonates with women – is to speak from the DIAPHRAGM.
Most people in fact aren’t ever in touch with their diaphragms and, when speaking, utilize purely the air from the tops of their lungs, in which case it’s almost impossible to speak with a deep, manly voice.
Breathing and speaking from the top of your lungs feels shallow and restrictive, and actually encourages your body to produce MORE of the fight-or-flight chemicals.
It’s a natural physiological response to what your body and endocrinology will perceive as a ‘shallow breathing’, which is what we do when feeling threatened or anxious.
down, DEEPEN, and chill out.
The diaphragm is the thick sheet of rubbery muscle that contracts your lungs and controls breathing.
Once you can speak from the lower register of your voice, you’re using the diaphragm to control breath and voice. This is sustainable indefinitely (i.e. it’s not just a ‘thing’ that you put on when you want to impress someone… it can literally be a whole ‘new voice’ for you to use at your discretion.)
The following diaphragm-isolation exercise was inspired by the teachings of Dr Alex Benzer, licensed hypnotherapist and renowned dating coach (you can check his website out at www.thetaoofdating.com)
Breathe in deeply so that your stomach actually rises. -
Hold it for a second. -
Now breathe out slowly but forcefully while contracting your abdominals. -
Repeat the exercise while saying, ‘Aaaaaaaah’. You will notice that when your -
diaphragm is being utilized, you will have much more control over the depth and strength of your voice.
Continue to practice until it feels normal and OK to speak like this. -
… oh, and by the way. Friends and family may comment at first on your ‘new voice’. If so, that’s OK. You don’t have to tell them why you’re suddenly speaking differently if you don’t want to.
If, however, you DO want to, you can say something like, ‘I’m experimenting with self- development, and this just feels better and more natural to me.’
How to slow your voice down
We’ve already established that a fast voice seems nervous and unconfident.
If you want to seem calm, confident, and strong to women – three things that signify high quality, experience, and attraction – you need to be able to speak at a slow pace.
The easiest and most effective way to do this is simply by PAUSING MORE OFTEN in your speech.
One of my closest friends is a guy called Richard. When I very first met him, the thing that made the biggest and most immediate impression on me was his VOICE. He had a pretty deep voice … but he also spoke softly and really slowly. He didn’t rush through his words, he just ambled along, taking his time; and he also PAUSED quite often.
The effect was really quite dramatic, and other people notice it too. People rarely interrupt Richard; when he speaks, people usually listen. Women often look at him as something of an authority, not because he is one, but because he sounds like one.
Start pausing when you’re talking to people. When it feels natural to do so, just stop talking for a beat (you can repeat ‘one hot potato’ in your mind to count it off, if you want.)
This can be a weird feeling at first. Particularly if you are already somewhat lacking in social self-confidence, deliberately pausing during speech can feel like you’re inviting other people to interrupt you and basically just walk all over you.
Relax. This will not happen unless you are pausing too long. Pause for a beat, do it when it feels natural, and start doing it today. Notice how different you feel when you are speaking this way. Do you feel more in control, more ‘powerful’?
SOFTNESS
My friend’s brother, Mark, has a really loud voice. It’s so loud, in fact, that after about an hour of hanging out in his company, you start to wish that he’d go away for a minute just so you could give your ears a break. I’m sure that girls notice this too, because he rarely has a girlfriend.
If you speak too loudly, you will sound harsh, abrasive, and it will literally be physically uncomfortable to spend time with you.
A loud voice is not sexy. Softness is what’s sexy. (If you want to really turn a woman on, lean in and whisper something to her. Don’t ask me why this works; but it does. It creates a ‘me and you’ moment that no-one else is privy to, and women like that.)
If you are a loud speaker, you are probably not aware of it. Most people will not tell you if you talk too loudly, even if it is in your best interests for them to do so, simply because they don’t want to offend you.
And if it has been a lifetime habit, it is very unlikely that you’ll pick up on it yourself. You may want to ask people for their honest opinions.
Choose a couple of close friends and/or family members whose opinions you trust, and explain to them that you’re working on your own self-awareness and that you’re trying to pick up on unconscious behavioral habits in order to develop yourself further.
Then say something like this: ‘I want your opinion because you’re an honest person and I trust you. Can I ask you, do you think I’d benefit from speaking more softly?’
If they say ‘yes’, or if you personally think you do speak too loudly, you will need to work on this consciously. Spend time in a room with the door shut reading aloud (from this section of the book, if you like.)
Read it aloud in your ‘normal’ tone of voice. Then read it aloud in what feels like a ‘soft’ tone of voice, to feel the difference.
Practice your soft voice more often until it starts to feel natural to you, and then start bringing it out in public. Pay special attention when you are getting excited about something, because that’s when people’s voices naturally begin to rise; if you’re loud by nature, you’ll need to keep a handle on this until soft speech becomes more of a habit.
MOVEMENT
Any high-value male is recognizable by the way that they move. They have what’s called an economy of movement: they don’t waste energy, they move smoothly and slowly, and they seem physically sure of themselves.
When it comes to body-language itself, I could give you a list of what to do and what not to do.
However, this isn’t really effective and, unless you’re already fairly experienced in interpreting and controlling the movements of your own body, often results in self- consciousness and stilted, weird-looking movement.
My best recommendation to you is to go rent some DVDs of high-value men, and figure out for yourself what it is about them that connotes mastery. My favorites are James Bond (Sean Connery is best, Roger Moore less so), Steve McQueen – particularly ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘Bullitt’ – and Clark Gable as Rhett Butler in ‘Gone With the Wind’. (This last one is an epic drama that’s about 4 hours long – don’t feel like you’ve gotta watch the whole thing.)
Stand-up comedians are also excellent as their body-language is ‘concentrated’ and
designed to capture and sustain the attention of large numbers of people at once. Try Chris Rock, Steve Martin, and Robin Williams.
To give you an idea of what you’re looking for, pay attention to how slowly and
deliberately they move.
what to do with their hands – ever noticed how, when you’re feeling self-conscious or awkward, it feels weird and unnatural to simply let your hands hang by your sides? But you’ll see that this is actually something that looks totally normal.
Watch where their shoulders are, how they sit when they’re sitting down, how they stand when they’re at ease or talking to someone. Pay attention to their speed of movement and their gait (how they walk.)
Watch and note all this stuff consciously, and start applying it to yourself. Strike some poses in the mirror and see how certain postures look and feel.