To be assertive is to participate in the events of your own life and the lives of others. Part of “being there” is being willing to reveal your attitudes, prefer- ences, ideas, goals, and opinions. We can avoid being open about these things, but in the process, we avoid living our own lives.
It may be difficult to think of all of the situations in which you could give your opinion. Perhaps you have been holding back so long that people no longer ask very often. Perhaps you give your opinion using such an aggressive style that they don’t dare ask. But there are thousands of these situations. Here are just a few:
! Which restaurant do you want to go to tonight? ! What did you think of the movie?
! We need to decide on the kitchen repairs. What should we do first? ! I need your professional opinion on this.
! Where should we go on vacation?
! Our readers are welcome to write letters to the editor about this article. ! How should we handle our daughter’s habit of stealing?
! What’s your view on the death penalty?
! Who are you going to vote for? ! Do you mind if I take this?
! We’re thinking of firing James. What do you think? ! Here’s a draft of the memo I’m writing. Any thoughts? ! Maybe we should get married.
! Your grading has to be done by Monday.
! So what do you think? Am I ready for an ocean dive?
You are guaranteed to find yourself in at least some of these or similar situations. Being able to give your opinion in a candid, nonaggressive manner is a necessity.
Think back over the past three days. List three situations in which you could have offered your opinion. Perhaps you did so. Perhaps you held back. Perhaps you expressed your opinion in such a way that others felt they had no room to disagree. Perhaps you expressed it in a roundabout or sarcastic fash- ion. No matter. Write down the first three you think of.
1.
2.
3.
Many people have difficulty expressing their views openly. Read over the descriptions below. Place a checkmark beside the one that fits you best in most situations. Use the situations you listed above as a rough guide.
o Passive: You avoid giving your opinion on issues, whether they are minor (“Did you like the movie?”) or major (“Do you think we should end
this relationship?”). You wait for others to give their opinion first. Per-
haps you are willing to give your own opinion, but only if you happen to agree with them. Or perhaps you pretend to agree or actually change your own views to suit the other person.
o Aggressive: You are perfectly willing to give your opinion, but you speak as though to hold any other view is stupid or bad. “How could
you think that?!” You harshly criticize or make fun of other points of
view, whether or not others have revealed how they feel on the issue. If
someone does disagree with you, you attempt to change their opinion through intimidation, sarcasm, or heated argument.
o Passive-Aggressive: You avoid disagreeing with others directly but express strongly opinionated views when you secretly know that others present may be hurt by them. If challenged, you deny knowing that the other person was the target. “Frank Smythe is the most corrupt politician
we’ve ever had. No, I didn’t know you were his campaign manager.” You fre-
quently express views about others who are not present. “I think Bob is
completely out to lunch on this one, don’t you?” You use sarcasm fre-
quently, but rarely directly, and deny negative intent. “No, I didn’t mean
anything by it. What do you mean?”
o Assertive: You are willing to express your opinion whether or not oth- ers have done so. You take ownership of your opinion (“My own view is
. . .”) rather than presenting it as the only view a reasonable person
would take. If someone disagrees you are willing to discuss the issue, but you don’t necessarily feel that your mission is to change their mind. You are willing to change your own mind if others provide new infor- mation that you hadn’t considered, but you don’t change your mind just because others think differently.
Like most people, you probably use all four styles at different times. Regardless of which style you checked, it may be helpful for you to practice offering your opinion more openly. Here are some tips:
! Relax before you start. You will be able to think more clearly and express yourself better if you are calm. Breathe slowly and deeply as you think about what you want to say. You may wish to use the dia- phragmatic breathing exercise presented in chapter 2. Keep your body relaxed as you give your message.
! Rehearse. Briefly go over what you plan to say before you say it. Try to word your message clearly. Although ideally you might wish to respond unrehearsed most of the time, coming up with an alternative to your usual style may take a bit of practice. Eventually, the words will come more easily and spontaneously to you.
! Don’t signal a lack of confidence. Perhaps your mind is not entirely closed. You might be willing to change your opinion in the face of new information. Nevertheless, avoid signaling a feeling of inferiority about the issue. “I could be completely wrong about this—and you can tell me if I
am—but I have sort of been thinking that. . . .” If you are undecided, say
so. If you feel strongly, say so. But don’t undermine your own opinion out of the fear that others may disagree.
! Feel free to signal your openness to other views. Sometimes you may wish to indicate that although you have an opinion, you are willing to entertain other ideas. “I don’t have a strong preference, but I’d like to try a
seafood restaurant.”
! Own your message. When offering your opinion, use an “I” statement to show that you take responsibility for your view. “My own feeling on
abortion is that. . . .” When we feel a lack of confidence, it is tempting to
appeal to authorities. “The Surgeon General says. . . .” Perhaps you imag- ine that the people to whom you are speaking will be less willing to disagree with the authority than they would be with you. If they do disagree, they will be contesting the authority’s position, not yours. You can just step out of the way and pretend that you were just report- ing what the authority said, not expressing your opinion at all. “Don’t
blame me, that’s what he said.” This is dishonest. If it is your view, say so.
Own it. Later on you might be willing to give reasons for your opinion (which might involve authorities), but it is still your opinion. In the ini- tial statement it is appropriate to acknowledge this. “I’m opposed to clear-
cutting old-growth forests.”
! Don’t apologize for having an opinion. Apologies are appropriate when you have overstepped your rights. You have a right to have an opinion, so you don’t have to apologize for it. Avoid saying things like
“Forgive me for saying this . . .” or “I’m really sorry, but I think. . . .” Is it
true that you regret having a point of view?
! You are not the source of all truth. It is possible to word one’s opinion in a way that crowds others offstage and implies that they have no right to disagree. “Any thinking person would agree that. . . .” “That politi-
cal party is completely corrupt.” Of course, people do have the right to
disagree with you—and to be as annoyingly correct or misguided as you have sometimes been. Avoid wording your opinion as though there is no other way to see the issue.
! Don’t intimidate. If anyone changes their mind it should be for good reasons, not because you push them until they give in. Don’t raise your voice, tower over the other person, stare, threaten (“What would the boss
think if she heard you . . .”), make a personal attack (“You’re just soft”), or
use guilt (“Sure, don’t care about me . . .”). Even if you do convince peo- ple to agree with you this way, they will only agree until you leave the room. Few people really change their minds due to intimidation. ! Consider before justifying. Some people feel threatened when others
disagree or challenge their opinions. Then they become angry and go to extraordinary lengths to convince the other person to come around to their own view. This behavior often stems from one of two beliefs: 1) To keep my opinion the other person must share it; if they don’t share it I have to change. 2) The worth or validity of my opinion (or me as a per- son) depends on my ability to defend the position. These beliefs place you in the powerless position of having to change someone else’s mind. The other person has all the control. If someone challenges your opin- ion, you can choose whether or not to defend it. You do not have to convince them that you are right in order to keep your opinion. It is possible simply to acknowledge that you differ. “I can see that you don’t
agree.” “Sounds like you believe and I believe .”
“No, I’m not going to argue the point, I was simply saying how I feel.”
! Don’t let it slide. We don’t have to give our opinion every time an opportunity arises. Sometimes, however, your opinion may not be
asked for, but it may be important for you to give anyway. When some- one makes a racist comment, tells a tasteless joke, or behaves badly toward someone, you can calmly express your own view. “Actually, I
don’t find AIDS jokes funny.” “ I think it’s fine that he did it that way.” “I believe that hitting a child is inappropriate.” “John, I know you haven’t asked, but I feel strongly that adopting a bear cub is a mistake.”