First, let’s talk a bit about what we mean by willingness. For the purposes of this book and the work we have been doing, willingness is:
Openness to experience Letting go of attempts to control
Of or resulting from the process of choosing (American Heritage 1976)
Acting or ready to act (American Heritage 1976) Being willing is an action, not a feeling (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999)
Metaphors for Willingness
It’s like letting go of the shovel when digging fails to get you out of the hole (Hayes, Strosahl, and
to get you out of the hole (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999).
It’s like pushing your fingers into a finger trap when your whole being feels that pulling them out is the way to go (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999).
It is like the lawn that allows the sunshine, the rain, and the snow to fall on it without trying to dodge any of it (Linehan 1993b).
It is like the sand on the beach that allows the waves to come and go without trying to control their timing, length, or height.
Exercise 5.1: Willingness Is Like Jumping We have adapted this exercise from the work of Steven Hayes and his colleagues (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999). It will help you get a sense of how the sort of willingness we’re talking about feels.
1. Get a hardcover book and a stable box or chair you can stand on with a few feet of available space around you.
2. Place the book on the floor to the left of the box or chair and stand to the left of the book.
3. Now, standing there, try to jump forward. Notice what happened. Remember the task here is to try—don’t jump, just try.
4. Notice how odd this trying is. How do you feel just trying?
5. Now, standing there, jump forward.
6. Next, stand on top of the book and ask yourself: “Am I 100 percent willing to jump from this book?” If you are, jump.
7. Now get on top of the box or chair and ask yourself: “Am I 100 percent willing to jump from this box (or chair)?” If you are (and your
from this box (or chair)?” If you are (and your knees also concur), go for it.
What feelings and thoughts came up for you as you did this exercise when you only tried to jump forward?
What about when you asked yourself if you were 100 percent willing to jump off the floor? Off the book? Off the box or chair?
Now, what if we had asked you to jump off a five- foot ladder? Would you have been willing to do that? Maybe some of you said yes, but many would have said no. This exercise highlights two characteristics of willingness. First, you can choose to be willing in some situations and not in others (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999). You can choose to jump off a box or chair but not off a five-foot ladder. Jumping off a five- foot ladder may not be safe, or even if it is, it may not be something that you truly value in your life. This is an important point: We are not saying that you must bring willingness to simply sit with every uncomfortable feeling, emotion, or memory you experience. Listening to feelings of discomfort in some situations is key to survival. Consider the case of the veteran who leaves a bar when he feels threatened by a group of intoxicated, angry men, or when an adult who was molested as a kid chooses not to hang out with her perpetrator, who continues to make sexual innuendoes. [Any thoughts coming up for you now?]
Second, willingness is all or nothing (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999). You can choose which situations you will bring willingness to but not how much willingness. It is like jumping. You cannot touch the floor with the tip of your left foot and call that jumping. That’s just touching the floor. You cannot step off the box or chair one foot at a time and call that jumping, because it isn’t. Willingness is like that. You either do it or you
isn’t. Willingness is like that. You either do it or you don’t. There is no “sort of” willing. Let’s do an exercise that will help to make this point.
Exercise 5.2: Unwillingness in Willingness’s Clothing
Sometimes it’s hard to recognize willingness. One way is to be able to know when you are not being willing. The following items are meant to help you recognize when unwillingness is hiding in willingness’s clothing. Not all examples will apply to you specifically; they are a way of helping illustrate how unwillingness may show up in life in several different situations. Remember that this is not a “gotcha” game, and you will need some compassion toward yourself to engage in this exercise. Read each of the statements below and circle the numbers and letters of those statements and examples, respectively, that apply to you.
1. I tend to wait to make overtures toward other people until I am certain that I will not be rejected or that I can easily dismiss the importance of the rejection if it happens. For example:
2. I may avoid potential connection with people altogether via excuses to myself or others, such as “I’m too picky.”
3. I tend to select friends or partners who I think are beneath me or broken, or who I think are unlikely to reject me.
4. I tend to seek out people who I know would not be interested in me, such as someone of a different sexual orientation, or someone who is unavailable, such as a married person.
5. I tend to keep people from really knowing me by cooling things off when the
me by cooling things off when the relationship or friendship becomes more intimate.
6. When I feel afraid of getting hurt, I often find myself telling myself that I don’t really want a relationship, friendship, or connection anyway.
7. I have often gone into situations that make me feel uncomfortable, such as parties, places with crowds, a class, driving, or job interviews but have not remained psychologically present. For example:
8. I may have distracted myself with mentally planning the rest of the day or week, monitoring changes in bodily sensations constantly, or focusing on some detail in the environment.
9. I have used drugs or alcohol to give myself courage to enter into these experiences.
10. I have dissociated during these experiences and missed most of the event or discussion.
11. I have forced myself to “white knuckle” discomfort by using willpower. For example:
12. When I am afraid of doing something, I call myself names until I can force myself to shut up and do it.
13. I almost never discuss my feelings about events, as I think it is a weak thing to do.
14. I often think that my ability to do something or not is a function of moral virtue.
15. I have allowed myself to sit with discomfort as a way of getting rid of discomfort. For example:
16. I may have gone into a situation that provokes anxiety, such as giving a speech or going to a movie theater or a party, hoping that this would result in my no longer