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The idea here is not to wait to connect with your child’s school and teacher until there are problems. If your child’s school has an “open house” or “back-to-school” night, take advantage of it. These events not only provide you with information that will help you understand the school and its policies, but they can also put you in contact with your child’s teachers and give you a chance to ask questions.

Here are some questions you may want to have answered by your child’s teacher:

• What is the curriculum this year?

• What supplies will my child need? What is the teacher’s homework policy?

• What is the teacher’s policy regarding parents as school volunteers?

• How will parents be informed about additional school or classroom policies such as attendance, discipline, health, and safety?

• How will the teacher judge your child’s progress?

• What is the best way to exchange information?

It is also wise to schedule personal conferences with your child’s teachers. Here are some pointers to help make the parent–teacher con-ference a successful experience for everyone:

• Come prepared to listen.

• Come prepared to share with the teacher any relevant information about your child, such as hobbies, interests, or feelings toward school.

• Share with the teacher how you feel the year is going.

• Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

• Compliment the teacher on something he is doing.

• Think carefully about how you will present the conference results to your child.

Regarding the last point, some schools may actually have you in-clude the child in the conference. Then both you and the teacher must be tactful in sharing the purpose of the conference and any problems that are highlighted.

If the conference is held without your child, when you talk to her afterward, always start with something positive. Then explain tactfully any needs that the teacher has emphasized. Let your child express her feelings, too, and reassure her that you will try to help when possible.

As was mentioned earlier when we reviewed the many functions and responsibilities of parents, we spoke about your role as your child’s advocate. Well, here’s where that role becomes very important, espe-cially if you feel your child is not getting the best education from her school or teachers. You have both a right and a responsibility to say so and to expect the school to be responsive. For example, if you feel that your child’s educators are focusing too much on rote memorization as a learning method, you can inquire whether such methods are

well-suited for developing the conceptual learning that we spoke about in an earlier guideline, the type of learning that best prepares children for the demands of the modern workplace. Your child’s teachers may not have considered how much they are focusing on rote memoriza-tion versus conceptual learning, and they may be stimulated to place greater emphasis on the latter because of your concern and interest.

Raising these types of ideas or concerns is being a good advocate for your child, and doing so in a manner that is not stridently critical is being a good partner.

8. MANAGE YOUR CHILD’S OBESITY AND EATING-RELATED PROBLEMS

As we learned earlier, millions of America’s children are in poor health due to excess weight or obesity. For these children, the nutrition and exercise recommendations in Guideline 6 are of particular importance.

However, further knowledge and commitment are necessary to help these children lose weight.

OBESITY

Here are some ideas to consider. These are based on what has been learned by one of the nation’s leading weight-loss programs for chil-dren, the Shapedown Program developed by the University of Cali-fornia’s School of Medicine in San Francisco. The parents of the 80,000 child graduates of that program have found the approaches mentioned below to be very helpful in supporting their children’s weight lose.²² Here we will review these approaches from the vantage point of a par-ent who has an obese child.

As such a parent, one of the fi rst things that you need to do is take your obese child to see a physician, and to become connected with a registered dietician, exercise specialist, and a mental health profession-al such as a clinicprofession-al sociprofession-al worker, clinicprofession-al psychologist, or psychiatrist.

As we have seen, it takes many factors to produce an obese child, and it takes a team of professionals to help that child lose weight. Gaining the assistance of such a team, which can be accomplished through a health maintenance organization (HMO) or through the referral and coordination efforts of your family physician, puts you, your child, and your entire family on the path to having everyone become healthier.

With the help of your team, here are some approaches that your family can try. These are described in much greater detail, along with specifi c homework assignments and helpful charts, in the book Shape-down Parent’s Guide: A Guide for Supporting Your Child.²³

1. Become aware of your feelings about your child’s weight. Your feelings, such as guilt, fear, anger, sadness, frustration, and blame, are likely to have their roots in the current attitude of Western culture toward excess body fat. We are taught from the cradle that fat is ugly and lethal and that overweight

people are out of control, lazy, overindulgent, stupid, dishonest, amoral, and sinful. All of these attitudes are, of course, without basis. They do, however, infl uence your feelings about your child and about yourself as a parent.

Your feelings are real, and they are normal feelings to have in this situation. Managing these common feelings makes it easier for you to help your child. If these feelings persist, consult the mental health professional on your team. Don’t brush them off.

2. Understand clearly your child’s weight, including its medical and psychological risks and the factors contributing to it. Some of the causes of your child’s obesity can be the cookies and ice cream that stuff your kitchen and your child, your child’s overall sadness, or family chaos that’s getting in the way of healthy diet and exercise habits. Some of this you will be able to change on your own; other causes will require the help of your team.

3. Take stock of your family’s current eating and exercising habits. This involves looking closely at what you eat and categorizing your foods in terms of fat content as being “Free,” “Light,” “Heavy”

or “Junk.” This also involves noting when and how much is consumed. In addition, take account of whatever exercise is carried out by your family and be sure to reward people for exercising.

4. Arrive at a systematic plan for changing habits in a more healthy direction, and then implement the plan. This involves creating a light but not food-depriving environment at home,

developing a general family lifestyle that is physically active, and specifi cally structuring an active and enriching lifestyle for your child that includes daily exercise. The nutrition and exercise recommendations at the beginning of guideline 6 are good places to start in developing your particular plan. Your plan should also include supporting each family member in openly expressing his or her feelings and needs.

5. Be particularly vigilant to provide both abundant warmth and acceptance, and to set fair and fi rm limits with your obese child.

Like all children, these kids need to be effectively parented in the ways we have been reviewing and learning in the earlier guidelines.

6. Be a good role model by improving your own weight, eating, and activity problems. Here, too, parental modeling can be a very powerful contributor to the health of your children.

Now let’s look at the reverse problem: not eating enough to stay healthy.

ANOREXIA NERVOSA AND BULIMIA