Following on from the previous chapter, this chapter shifts in focus to romantic relationships. I will argue that in romantic relationships, a part of the self is somehow passed onto the ‘Other’, the person whom one is in love with. As such, this chapter will explore how the young women who have participated in this thesis understand the notion of the ‘self’ in relation to an ‘Other’ person in terms of romantic inclinations.
It will thus examine their experiences and perceptions of falling in love and romantic relationships with those who share similar cultural and familial histories with my respondents and those who do not. It explores familial involvement in the young women’s decisions and the dialogue established with immigrant parents in such decisions. It will also look at understanding transgressions of familial and communal boundaries, and the emotions involved in this. The level of integration involved in understanding the diversified spaces in which the young women meet and choose partners will also be discussed. How this in turn affects how these young women are able to speak from the positions they inhabit, how spaces are created in understanding themselves, and the choices made in establishing such relationships are also investigated.
There is a projection of self onto others in romantic liaisons and encounters. We can see this, for example, in the case of the young woman on the train platform. In this instance, she projected a sense of her own histories by seeing me as the embodiment of the community that set boundaries which she may have felt that she had transgressed. Certain histories we carry have the potential – in some cases – to become confused and nuances in cultural differences might get ignored. This might happen especially if a young woman’s partner is not of a similar cultural and historical heritage and might not be able to communicate with her family in the same language that she can. I argue that this has the potential to make navigation between and through cultural histories difficult, primarily due to language difficulties. As such, familial and community expectations in relation to the concept of love will be explored.
This chapter is divided into six sections. It will re-visit the incident described in Chapter 1 in which the young woman lets go of her partner’s hand upon seeing me.
The discussion will then turn to examine the personal stories of some of the young women who have had relationships with young men from outside the Bangladeshi community and, in some cases, their decisions to terminate such relationships (although it must be stressed that not all young women find it necessary to do so). The chapter will also examine how some young women understand their relationship to the rest of the Bangladeshi (mainly first generation) community, and how this might affect their choice of partner, as well as their thoughts in relation to this. Moreover, this chapter considers the narratives of two young women who discuss the concept of ‘arranged marriage’. The final section of this chapter will explore how some of my respondents want to pass down a sense of their own histories onto their children and how their choice of partner might affect this.
Re-visiting the Young Woman on the Train Platform…
In Chapter 1, I described an incident in which a young Bangladeshi woman on a train platform let go of her non-Bangladeshi partner’s hand, upon seeing me watching her. This example is complicated but shows how young women’s choices around marriage and romantic partnership might not necessarily be bound to ‘what the community might think’, as will be seen further in this chapter. Such young women are in a position to choose from a diverse range of partners. Sometimes, ‘interaction with others’ is needed to understand a sense of self (Papastergiadis, 2004:14). This gives insight into the fluidity of carried histories and cultures. Indeed, in describing this fluidity, Bhavnani and Phoenix argue that an individual often opts for differing identities, which is useful for speaking from differing histories (1994:9). Indeed, individuals are not tied to a specific historical position but embody multiple and distinct cultural histories. This position also changes as they grow older and more discerning and as they learn to adapt to different cultural situations.
In the example of the young woman on the train platform, certain questions were brought to the fore that delve below the surface of the exchange to the deeper difficulties of manoeuvring between the histories and cultures that form part of our selves (Ballard, 1994). As such, questions in relation to the ‘self’ and how an ‘Other’ might shape this sense of ‘self’ also arise. Moreover, importantly, notions of ‘freedoms’ and ‘boundaries’, relating to this sense of ‘self’ and an ‘Other’ are also
highlighted (Khan, 1974). The incident on the platform constitutes a complicated moment in which boundaries have been transgressed. In living histories as well as carrying them, there are ‘set’ ideas of what we, as second-generation young women, can or cannot do, in shaping and expressing our identities. Boundaries laid down by the community enforce particular notions of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. As becomes clear in the example of the young woman surprised by my presence on the train platform as she held her partner’s hand, when the scenario is unexpected or unrehearsed, in understanding what is and what is not allowed, the meaning of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ becomes confused. Furthermore, the negotiation of boundaries and navigation between them and histories becomes messy. Indeed, as Ballard argues, one who navigates between these histories and is aware of such boundaries needs to decide how to behave in such social contexts (1994:31). However, as I also discuss in this chapter, these boundaries are constantly being shifted and remade.
With the clarity that might come from narratives and discussion, it might be easier for certain young women of second generation to explore issues of ‘freedom’ in relation to parents, the community and navigating and negotiating a space for herself.
We acquire skills for navigating between histories and also a greater freedom of movement as we grow older and more independent. This can be seen in the narrative of Tazeen, for example. Tazeen has spoken in previous chapters. In her interview she commented, “we’re not as constrained by the culture like they are”. I question why she says this.
As second generation young women, we might be allowed certain things. Some ‘freedoms’, though, are denied. How these limitations are negotiated will be explored through romantic relationships. Certain ‘freedoms’ are also difficult because they do not always conform to the lived histories of our first-generation parents, who have shaped our understanding of Bangladeshi – and, to an extent – British culture. Indeed, as Brah recognises, the potential for intergenerational conflict might be there, especially if parents and their children are separated by the countries in which they have grown up (1996:42). Sometimes it is difficult to reach a compromise, other times, it is not; this might depend upon the space allowed for negotiation and dialogue. It often depends upon how both cultural dimensions are understood and negotiated by the young woman through dialogue with her parents and with the wider community (Yuval-Davis, 2006). For instance, with the example of the train station, the young woman’s recognition and perception of an ‘Other’ in the form of a
symbolic marker perhaps reminded her of some part of who she was. The example of the young woman on the train platform demonstrates the confusion and difficulty of negotiating different cultural and temporal spaces.
Histories and who I am attracted to
In this section I focus on some of the types of romantic attractions and relationships my respondents have had in order to understand further their navigation of familial and cultural histories. I begin this section with the voice of Sujata, who tells us of a time she was attracted to someone who did not share similar cultural histories as herself, and the decision to eventually break this relationship.
Sujata’s extract:
Su: …at school… I was seeing somebody… don’t tell anybody… talking on the tape! …but umm, I was seeing someone who was not Bengali but a Punjabi boy and he was my… school’s Head Boy and I was really attracted to that side…
Me: …yeah?
Su: … he was a really good student… pretty… gorgeous… really sweet… my best friend …and then became more than that …um… perfect perfect person… so I think the relationship lasted… I went to QMW, he went to LSE… we knew each other… but we always knew that this was not meant to be ‘coz he’s Hindu… not Muslim …so it’s not meant to be… umm… but it just carried on… [blurb]… then it had to… and the reason for the break-down was because I’m Bengali, Muslim, parents won’t accept it… it was a parent
sacrifice [my italics]… and both sides made it and I think he regrets it now…
yeah, but it’s not really gonna work because for me to be completely happy is
to be for my parents to be happy and for me to be happy [my italics]… I
wouldn’t be happy if they were upset… I couldn’t be …I love them too much… and I think …love and all that… yeah, I do believe in it but I think it goes after a few years and it’s just more practical to have somebody (laughs)… staying with you and everyone gets on… and it’s not just my happiness… it’s my brother, my parents, my grandparents… I want my family
to sit down… like that guy, his mum used to come round …we used to do homework together… all the parents came round… and my mum was speaking in English and his mum was speaking in English and all the parents sitting round the table speaking in English… barely being able… you know… Me: …hold a conversation
Su: Oh yes… what are you doing [exaggerated Indian accent]… you know… it’s not going deeper than… and the religion… my parents are very… proud of who they are… and I wouldn’t want to upset them… even though they would… come round to it if I took somebody home… then again… somebody English… I’ve considered lots of things but… I am always attracted to Bengali people because that’s who I am
At the beginning of the extract Sujata requests me, as the researcher, not to ‘tell anyone’ what she is about to tell me regarding her personal life, although she is very aware that what she tells me is being recorded on tape. Who will hear the transcript becomes important for Sujata. Indeed, for her there is an anxiety about ‘community awareness.’ Out of sensitivity to this and following Kelly (2000) in preserving my respondents’ privacy and confidentiality, I have changed her name and both her and her father’s professions, making it harder to identify who she is in the community (see Chapter 3).
Sujata was attracted to someone who was not of Bengali heritage. Even though there were strong feelings between them, the relationship was fated to a break- up, the cause of which Sujata, to borrow a term from psychoanalysis, transfers to her parents. If her parents were unhappy, then ultimately, she would never be happy – for Sujata to be happy, meant for her parents to be happy, her happiness is ‘transferred’ (Cooper, 2010) to those who have helped, in part, to shape a sense of self for her. This can be understood in terms of inter-generational love. I argue that if there were a lack of this love and sacrifice, it would become difficult for Sujata to navigate between and through the different sets of histories that she carries. For example, when Sujata’s then partner’s mother visited her own mother, because of the language difference, the conversation would come to a standstill at some point - it could only go so far. The two first generation mothers were unable to hold a deep conversation in a language that was foreign to them both, though not foreign to their children. It can be argued that the mothers, though both part of the South Asian diaspora, do not belong to the
same ‘community’. For example, Anthias argues that ‘[t]o belong is to share values, networks and practices and it is not just a question of identification’ (2006:21). The two mothers are unable to share such values and networks because of the barrier of language. Sujata’s experience raises questions of what being in a relationship with someone outside Bengali culture entails. Specifically for Sujata, relationships are not restricted to just the two people involved, but reaches wider to involve her family.
In Sushmita’s case, the family’s boundaries are conceived differently but the notion of intergenerational dialogue remains critical.
Sushmita’s extract:
Me: …I want to ask you about the type of people you’re attracted to
S: Mm hmm
Me: …what type of people are you attracted to?
S: Boys! [laughs]… just so you know… gotta be p.c. nowadays… um… based on my past, definitely non-Bengali… I’m saying that in my past I haven’t been attracted to anyone Bengali… but that doesn’t mean I never will be or I don’t want to be… it’s just that… I don’t actually know many Bengali boys so… and they’re all shorter than me, so that’s a no-go area anyway… um… usually, they’re usually white actually… it’s not that I don’t want them to be black, Oriental, Asian… it’s just that they’re the ones who make it known to me that they like me… so…
Me: Mm hmm
S: …so I’ll either act on it or I won’t but… they’re usually white […further…]
S: …and there has been one person in the past and I told my dad about him but we hadn’t told my mum because it was early days, but I just wanted one of them to know and it was just that my dad and I went for a walk in the park and I just thought I’d tell him
Me: How did he react to that?
S: …he was surprisingly fine… he was ok with it
Me: …what were you expecting? You said surprisingly fine…
S: …surprisingly fine… I don’t know what I was expecting… but it was, you know… just to say to your dad, by the way, I think I like someone and
don’t know what I expected from him… he was very calm about it… he just said… ok… well, think about it and if you think he’s good and you’re happy then fine… fine
Me: Ok… because I know from a lot of other women that I’ve interviewed that a lot of parents aren’t ok with these kinds of things… so that’s why I asked S: That’s why I maybe said surprisingly he was fine… because I know a lot of
parents might not be Me: Ok
S: …um but I think one of the reasons why I told my… or planned on telling my mum as well… but why I told my dad was because I knew deep down I knew they would be… [break]
Me: …ok, so you were telling me about the time you told your father about someone you were attracted to and he was non-Bengali and his reactions to this… ok… so, how did you feel?
S: Relieved that I’d told him… I didn’t want to keep it a secret from my parents [blurb]… we’re quite close and I don’t like not telling them things… so I was pleased to have told them
Me: …and they would have accepted him, you think? S: Yep
At the start of her extract, when asked about her attractions, Sushmita explains that she is not very attracted to Bangladeshi young men. This emerges without my asking whether she is aware of being attracted to specific ethnicities. The question can be raised as to whether her reaction has anything to do with me as the researcher being of Bengali heritage. In some sense the exchange might be reminiscent of the young woman on the train platform who does not see ‘me’ sitting there, but rather, an embodiment of the Bangladeshi community. In a similar way, without my asking for ethnic specifics of the kind of men Sushmita is attracted to, she already gives the answer that she is not very attracted to Bengali men, although this attraction can change over time. She points out that it is white young men who make it known to her that they are interested in her, rather than Bangladeshi or other Asian men. Both young women, I argue, see me as representative of the wider Bangladeshi community they belong to, and understand that there may be boundaries that need to be negotiated and re-negotiated. Remembering Ahmad’s (2004) reflections, I as a
researcher become somehow situated also as the researched. With the young woman on the train platform, the scene is unexpected, whereas my interview with Sushmita was scheduled in advance. However, it might be plausible to say that both interactions reflect something about the kind of relationship each young woman might have with her parents. There is possibly more dialogue and negotiation in Sushmita’s relationship with her parents than in the young woman on the platform’s relationship with hers, which might be seen in their reaction to me. Indeed, Sushmita verbalises this reaction and explains that she feels relief upon telling her father about a partner. It is interesting to here consider Kakar’s argument that ‘within a given cultural and social order, particular psychological themes become internalised in the individual psyche, later to be projected back onto the culture’s institutions and social forms’ (1981:182). In my interactions with these young women, their familial relationships, and, relatedly, their understandings of Bangladeshi culture, are projected onto a symbol of embodied Bangladeshi culture -- in other words, me.
The next section will look further at the issues involved with establishing romantic relationships, whether they be with those who share similar cultural histories or not, and how important the thoughts of the (mainly) first generation community are for the young women in this process.
Thoughts of the (mainly First Generation) Community
This section aims to understand why it is that some young women of second generation might harbour anxiety about establishing romantic relationships with certain young men. Relationships with men who are ‘outside’ Bengali culture and heritage, will be explored. This section starts begins with Sujata:
Sujata’s extract:
Su: …most of the girls who are in my community who are Bengali are not married… one or two are… and they married foreigners [my italics]
Me: Mm
Su: …an English guy… there’s a Dutch guy… yeah… all the weddings that we’ve been to recently, have been girls from our community marrying a foreign boy… so I don’t think our parents want that… they’d rather you don’t
marry… than marry a non-Bengali person… seeing what’s the trend…[break]… I think as long as I’m young enough to have kids… even if you miss 35… but I won’t leave it that long… they’re all thinking you won’t