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This section describes women’s own perceptions on what they do to cope with and respond to partner violence based on the qualitative data. The results are given for Tongatapu and the outer islands separately.

Coping strategies - Tongatapu Lotu - Faith

The most utilised coping mechanism for women dealing with domestic violence in Tonga is ‘lotu’, that is, prayers and seeking peace in their faith. Even in the most extreme cases of domestic violence, participants believed that prayers and going to church helped them process the ‘hurts and pains’ of domestic violence and ultimately find some resolution. It is significant to note that out of the women who mentioned ‘lotu’ as a coping strategy, only two had visited a church minister and had found his counsel effective. The majority of participants believed that their Christian faith held the key to maintaining peaceful and harmonious relationships within the nuclear and extended families. Women in Tonga believe that when a person lives the life of a true Christian and prayers are honest – lotu pea

lotu ke mo’oni - there should not be any relational problems.

Children

The second most cited reason for coping with domestic violence is consideration of the children’s welfare. In all cases, respondents believed that despite the problems in a marriage, it is more important to consider the welfare of the children - ‘sio ki he mata ‘o e

fanau’. Such considerations typically calm stormy quarrels and verbal abuse. Often this

advice is given by members of the extended family who wish for the couple to reconsider separation and resolve their problems so the family unit can remain together. Couples are

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encouraged to have more patience, tolerance and forgiveness towards each other and to put the welfare of their children above their own problems.

Talanoa – Communicate

The third most cited strategy to mitigate violence was communicating often and clearly - ‘Talanoa mahino ‘o lava ai ke veteki `a e palopalema’ - in order to resolve conflict. The individual case studies showed a marked lack of communication amongst couples who experienced domestic violence. In several cases, it was clear that stonewalling was occurring, that is, one partner attempting to communicate, but the other (often the husband) refusing to. In one case, the wife was beaten upon asking if the husband was having an affair with the neighbour. In another case, the wife was repeatedly beaten when she asked the husband to consider using contraceptives. The failure to communicate clearly can put couples at risk of frustration, anger, unresolved issues and often eventuate in abuse.

Respondents believe that there are a host of other communication and behavioural strategies which are crucial in maintaining harmonious relationships. They include: love (`ofa), respect (faka`apa`apa), helpfulness (fetokoni`aki), honesty (faitotonu), obedience (talangofua), friendliness (feohi fiefia), patience (fa`a kataki), good manners (anga lelei), humility (anga fakatokilalo), sharing (topono, fevahevahe`aki), easy going manners (anga

fakafaingofua), reciprocity (feveitokai`aki), calm voiced (le`o molu/ le`o mokomoko).

The data from the household study also highlighted specific strategies mentioned by women to build peaceful, harmonious relationships. These included: encourage families to be at home (anga nofo, nofo ki `api), honest prayers (lotu mo`oni), encourage, advise, counsel family members (akonaki`i lelei), family time (fofola e fala kae alea e kāinga – fakafamili), encourage education (poupou`i e ako), know how to keep a household (ngaue faka`api), to know one’s rank and responsibilities within the family (takitaha `ilo hono tu`unga), be a good role model for others (fa`ifa`itaki`anga), share responsibilities (vahe vahe fatongia), maintain relationships (tauhi vaha`angatae), work together (fa`ū taha), resolve problems at home (veteki pe palopale `i `api).

Women also identified ways to build and maintain harmonious relationships within the nuclear and extended families using the core Tongan values of ‘ofa (love), faka`apa`apa (respect), loto tō (humility) and feveitokai`aki (reciprocity). These values were considered critical in maintaining relationships (tauhi e ngaahi vaha`a ngatae) between couples, with children and with extended families and requires a commitment from all.

Coping strategies - outer islands

Women’s responses to coping with violence are diverse in Tonga. In the outer islands we found polarities, from women choosing to remain on their own with their children to choosing to silently bear the abuse.

For the women of Ha’apai, one strategy is to choose to divorce the husband and remain a single parent. Although most women are forced in to single parenting because the husband leaves, more women with children are choosing to manage on their own with financial support from their immediate and extended relatives, both in Tonga and overseas. Some of the older women with working children receive help from them.

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However the key coping strategy in the outer islands is silence. An overwhelming majority of women remain silent about abuse because they love their husbands, and they are the father of her children. Other women keep quiet because they are ashamed of what others in the village will say.48

In some cases, women chose to speak out, with variable results. Two women in Ha’apai said they reported their husband’s violence to the police. The police either referred them to a church minister, or gave them a “lecture”. When we asked if they would consider taking their husbands to the police now, they replied no due to the unhelpfulness of the police previously.49

A small number of women took their husbands to court, only after a prolonged period of violence, and this decision in one case backfired. On the island of ‘Eua, one case reached the court. The woman had been living with violence for about 10 years. Finally, she reported the case to the police and this was taken to court. On the day that the chief magistrate was going to pass judgement, he asked the woman if she will be able to support her children financially and she replied, no therefore the judge forgave the husband and told him not to hit his wife again and if he hears in the future that the husband has hit the wife, he will be sent straight to prison. At the time the woman reported this, it had been 2 months since the case and according to her, he had not changed. He was not hitting her but he was intimidating her and telling her that one day he will beat her up. The woman reported that she was living in constant fear of her husband and she really regrets her reply to the Magistrate’s question because her husband does not bring in any money. She is the one who weaves the mats to sell for money for the family.

Some women feel they have the confidence to speak out because their husband and children are living on her land, amongst her family and relatives. In these circumstances the husband is usually driven off the land, and this marks a relief and a new chapter for the women. Four women from Ha’apai and Vava’u reported that they had chased out their physically violent husbands. Two of these men returned to their homes on Tongatapu, one went overseas and remarried and the last one remained on the island but was living where he works. Even if these women started a new life, their husbands still affect their lives. One of these women told us that her husband wanted to return but that she refuses because she knows that he is living with another woman. Another woman said that even though her husband was very abusive, she wants her husband to come back to her and her children but she has not been able to get in contact with him for over eight months. The third woman reported that her husband who had left with another woman, returned to her, though she did not want to get back with him. She said that her being at home amongst her family made it easier for her to say no to her husband because when she was still living with him, he controlled her a lot.

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In every village, there are small groups of women who get together every day to weave or make

tapa. It is in these groups that gossip and stories about the village are shared and most often, this

would lead to verbal and physical fighting amongst the women.

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The women were then encouraged by the field researchers to go to the police as the Nodrop policy of the Ministry of Police stands for zero tolerance against Domestic Violence, especially physical violence.

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9.6.

Women’s opinions on factors that protect against domestic