Being in touch with feelings is an ongoing process. It is important to help
clients to be aware of their feelings, to express them, to talk about them to their
partner, and in that way they could become aware of their partner’s feelings and needs. MCP9 emphasised the important place of feelings in couple work. He gives
feelings attention to help people become more emotionally aware. Becoming more
aware of their own feelings would in turn have helped them to have been more
aware of their partner’s feelings and would have given the people more control and more awareness of their choices.
“My belief is that feelings drive thoughts and actions, but that not enough
attention is given to feelings. This often means that thoughts and actions are driven by strong feelings such as anger, fear or jealousy, but that this process is often out of awareness. Giving feelings attention has several benefits - it helps people become more emotionally aware: aware of their own feelings and then hopefully of their partner’s feelings; it helps reduce the intensity and the power of the feelings; it gives people more control and more awareness of their choices. But ultimately, feelings are what bond people; it is the underpinning agent for relationships [Appendix 15].”
WCI13 was very convinced of the importance of working with the
couple’s feelings.
“It is the most important thing. Feeling is terribly important. And we are
tuned into that level of feelings all the time. It is a vital part of how we work. If you can't work with feelings, you shouldn't be a counsellor. It goes without saying it is so important [Appendix 14].”
Her way of working with their feelings was to keep exploring and checking how
they felt, and then why they felt like that. When she could work that out, she could
develop the feeling and check out what was happening for them at that moment.
“The whole time I am trying to work out what they are feeling. I say to
them, ‘what do you think your partner is feeling at the moment?’ When they see that the partner is feeling upset that can surprise them. I would step in and say, would you just check in and see how your partner is feeling right now. That is what I tune into all the time, feelings. And if they are angry, I ask them why they are feeling angry. If they are upset, I ask them what they are upset about. Because you have to work out if they are angry, resentful, upset, frightened, cross, fed up [Appendix 14].”
WCI5 helped the couple to hear the other partner’s feelings so that they could understand their partner’s hurts or fears using the emotionally focused couple therapy method.
“I would use the emotionally focused therapy method at the beginning to
find out and reflect back what I am hearing they are saying to me is hard for them. I will also practice it if they are getting into an argument. ‘Can you just listen to her right now?’ ‘She needs you to understand this.’ It is getting them to listen to each other. Emotional focus is when I help the partner to hear their partner's fears. They have to shift their perceptions to acceptance and listen to what their partner has just said. The emotional focus is when the awareness comes and I help them to engage with their partner's fears or hurts. Key emotions have taken effect on their problems. Making them aware of it deepens it and deepens their understanding and disclosure of it. ‘Emotionally-focused’ is more in- depth, harder to stay with and quite intense [Appendix 16].”
WCI5 went on to say that the couple’s feelings need to be expressed in their own words. She explained how she dealt with their feelings if they were not in touch
with them.
“Their feelings are expressed in their words. If they are really not in
touch with their feelings, I tell them what I have picked up and I say, ‘I feel that you are feeling or I hear that you are feeling.’ It is sad when people are not in touch with their feelings. Mostly couples coming to counselling are very much in touch. One of them is more aware than the other. Otherwise, they wouldn't come to counselling. The therapist asks one partner what he or she thinks of the other partner's feelings and how he or she copes with the feelings expressed. The therapist identifies the couple's feelings so that the couple are aware of their feelings [Appendix 16].”
WCI5 helped the couple to be aware of their feelings by teaching them. She
explored with them how both partners could deal with whatever the particular
feeling was.
“I teach them, empathize and sense. I sense and understand that you are
feeling sad. I would like to know how we can deal with that and how John can deal with that too [Appendix 16].”
WCI14 believed that it was important for the couple to relate the story
they were telling to the feelings they were experiencing at that moment. She also
referred to their body language and noted their response to that.
“At first talking about their story is very important. The content of the
story is important, but their feelings about it are also quite important. When they talk about their story, I would ask them to pause and we would talk about it and about the feelings they are experiencing at that moment. Or I would make a comment about how they look in their body language and see what their response is. I would also check how the other partner is responding too. Then we make a conversation about it. So both the content of the story and the couple's feelings about it are very important [Appendix 13].”
WCI14 tried to be aware of what the couple was feeling. Whatever was happening
in the room in terms of emotions was going to affect the couple concerned.
“When they are talking to me or to each other about something that
could be a painful experience for them, I would pick up the pain and I am aware of what they are feeling. I must be aware that whatever is
happening in the room in terms of emotions is going to affect them. I am trying to deal with that at one level in my head. At another level, I am trying to see how effective I still have to be with it. In a way, I have to monitor. When there is anger in the room, it will also affect me as a practitioner. Having all the emotions in the room is going to affect me one way or another. It is being able to be aware of that that really matters, like I have to work on two different levels [Appendix 13].”
The data in this section give evidence that many couple therapists attach
great importance to feelings. They tune into the level of feelings all the time. The
couple therapists help the couples to be aware of their feelings. They help them to
express their feelings and to talk about their feelings to their partner. When they
express their feelings and talk about them to their partner, they also become aware
of their partner’s feelings and needs. The couple therapists keep exploring and checking how the couple feel and why the couple feel, for example, resentful, upset,
cross, frightened, bored or fed up.
Some interviewees find that the couples express their feelings in their
own words. Most of the couples coming to counselling have some emotions. They
sometimes reveal their emotions in various ways (for example, through tearfulness,
raising their voices, gestures, and facial expressions, etc.). However there is a
distinction between showing one’s emotions and expressing them in words. Some people are unwilling to express their feelings or they do not know how to express
them. Thus therapists help the couple to get in touch with their feelings. Showing
emotions happens spontaneously. Expressing them in words means struggling with
communication skills.
Often one of them is more aware of his or her feelings than the other. The
therapist invites one of the partners to say what he or she feels about the other
partner’s feelings and to say also how he or she copes with the partner’s feelings towards them. The therapist identifies the couple’s feelings to help the couple to be
feelings the couple are experiencing at the given moment. In order to do that, some
couple therapists at the beginning of therapy reflect back what she or he is hearing
that the couple is saying. Then the therapist gets them to listen to each other and to
hear their partner’s feelings. In this case the therapist needs to be on the alert not to take sides but to give both partners an equally balanced chance and enough time to
verbalise what they both need to say. They believe that it helps the couple to shift
their perceptions to acceptance by listening to what the partner has just said.