looks like Jam,
just in case’
I felt left alone with what had
happened. This lasted for months. For days that turned into weeks, normal life was put on hold. As friends and family, we stayed close to one another, drank too much and told funny stories of better times. We planned Jam’s funeral. But no matter how much we all stuck together, it didn’t change the fact that everyone ultimately had to find their own way of dealing with the reality.
In the months that followed, I’d get angry very quickly. Sometimes when I met people I didn’t know, I’d think ‘Why are you alive? You’re not as good as them. It should have been you.’
It’s incredible how selfish grief can make you. I remember a lot of arguments. I hurt so many people I love, with words that I can never take back. I hurt more
people in those first 12 months than at any other time in my life.
It was far too traumatic for the lads’ parents to contemplate, but in March 2012, Joe Hallett – another best friend of Jam’s – and I flew to Florida for Tyson’s trial, to read out our victim-
impact statements. It was important to us both for the boys to be represented. Those statements were very personal to us. We had no idea they’d be picked
up by the press, and I’m glad we didn’t – maybe that would have stopped us saying what we really felt.
I’m pleased Joe and I got the chance to speak from the heart and say what so many people back home were feeling. I tried to look Tyson in the eye, but he wouldn’t look at me. I remember feeling how pointless it all was. Two people were dead, countless lives had been ruined and there was a kid, in complete denial, about to be incarcerated for the rest of his life. There was no winner. Tyson was convicted of two first-degree murder charges and was sentenced
to life in prison without parole. [His sentence, not the conviction, has since been overturned, and he will be resentenced as a juvenile.]
I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t courted hatred and blame for those I deem responsible: Shawn Tyson, his friends, his family, education, the system – America’s obsession with guns. And I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t often thought about revenge and what that would look like.
I’m sure all of us involved have travelled down that path to some extent.
But making that statement freed me up to start moving on and, at some point, life started ticking over again. Still, there’s not a day that passes without my missing them, without my hoping they’re OK and praying they didn’t suffer. Sometimes I’ll look into cars going past in the hope they’ll be inside. Or I’ll see someone who looks like Jam from a distance and walk towards him – just in case.
This year, I turned 30. Friends are getting engaged and you can’t help but assess where you’re at in life. I’m years from getting married, but there are times when I think about how Jam’s death will affect my future. Yes, weddings are about the bride – we all know that – but the best man’s speech is one part of the day that the groom dictates. You’re giving someone permission to reveal your deepest secrets and tear you to pieces in front of everyone you love. That’s special. And it should have been Jam’s pleasure.
It’s also difficult knowing that we’ll never get to know each other’s wives i
Left: Paul (left) and Jam in Peru in 2011. Below: best mates, Paul, Jam and Coops
182 · C O S M O P O L I TA N PHO TOGRAPHS P A PHO TO S, SPLA SH NEW S/ SPD , S WNS. C OM, WENN. C OM READ
or children. He had so much time for everyone and anyone, so I’m sure he would have approved of whoever I end up sharing my life with. But knowing that doesn’t make the fact that he’s not here any easier to bear. The pain and loss goes on.
Over the past couple of years, I haven’t spoken much with family or girlfriends about what happened. There have been times when someone has caught me crying and I’d tell them I was thinking about Jam, but I wouldn’t talk for long, and usually end with a joke or something distracting.
Of course, amid the darkness, there is light, and I always try to look for that. I’ve learnt that searching for the positives in life is the key to staying sane. Almost everyone Jam held dear is closer to me now than before he died. I’ve grown as a person. I know that. I’m more confident than I used to be. I can put things into perspective. I’m not scared about what life will throw up next.
We’ve set up a charity in memory of Jam and Coops, called Always A Chance. This was a catchphrase of theirs – meaning anything’s possible. The charity’s
aim is to prevent violent crime by funding projects working with young people who are outside full-time education and employment. We want to encourage them to re-enter the education system and support them in doing so. It sounds like a cliché, but turning all the negative feelings into something constructive in this way has made us
feel so much better, and is a fitting tribute to the characters of those loved, decent, brilliant men.
I remember someone who was quite bewildered at how well the charity was doing in the early days, asking us, “What the hell were they? Saints?” But even though they’re spared the everyday criticisms we reserve for the living, to us they are saints. You really
couldn’t find two more well-rounded young men. It’s been an honour to create a positive legacy for them and I’m honoured to have known them so well. I reckon they’d both be embarrassed if they knew they were so highly thought of they warranted an organisation being set up in their names – but they deserve it. Now they can outlive all of us through Always A Chance and the good work it does for young people.
And that’s it. One tragic story, told from one person’s perspective. There are endless others in the world, many of them much worse. But writing this down honestly felt like breathing for the first time in many years. And as for trying to deal with the future and the times when I’ll wish he was there, Jam left me with some pretty good words to live by: “Love always. More banter to follow…”
• For more information on the charity, visit Alwaysachance.org.uk. Read Paul and Joe’s powerful victim impact statements at Cosmopolitan.co.uk/ victimimpactstatements. ◆
From top: Paul (second from right) and friends at Jam’s funeral; Jam (far left), Paul (right) and friends at school; Joe Hallett and Paul making a statement outside court after Tyson was sentenced