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Most respondents reported coming out to their peers around the age of sixteen before coming out to their parents at seventeen or eighteen: as reflected in other research (Diamond & Savin- Williams, 2000; D’Augelli, 2002; Almack, 2007). Other research suggests that teenagers come out to their parents and friends around the age of sixteen as this is when the ‘benefits of coming out’ might outweigh the costs (Almack, 2007). A few had come out to youth workers in the first instance (Amy, Fern and Rosie): where the benefits, from a supportive and caring adult, would be almost guaranteed. Some respondents waited until they had left home before telling their parents that they were gay (Ellie, Jane, Marie and Rosie) as this meant they had more space for their own personal life and were not in danger of being made homeless. Waiting for the transition to living independently from parents reflects other research (Valentine et al, 2003). By the age of eighteen most respondents were confident that telling their parents would assist them to develop as a LGBQ person and so, as Gaby put it, ‘be able to breathe’. This discussion emphasises the link between coming out as LGBQ and developing self-esteem and self-confidence as noted in other literature (Schneider, 2001).

Many respondents told their mother before their father about their lesbian, gay or bisexual identity. This is noted in other research as common. Young people, expecting their mother to be ‘positive and caring’ (Valentine et al, 2003, p487) will often tell mothers, before their fathers, of their LGBQ sexuality. Respondents reported that in some instances, mothers were not as supportive as fathers. Patricia’s mother ‘kicked me out’; Gaby’s mother didn’t talk to her ‘for about

a week’; Sabidah’s’ mother did not talk to her for ‘about two years’. For some respondents the

very challenging reaction from their mother might have been linked with the mothers’ feelings of loss and the assumption that having a lesbian daughter would mean that there would never be grandchildren (noted by Jane, Marie and Sabidah). Such feelings of loss were also noted by other researchers (Valentine et al, 2003). Valentine et al (2003) found in their research that parents and siblings might well not understand LGBT issues when confronted with these facts by the young person. This issue was also reflected in these respondents’ experiences.

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Some writers suggest that fathers were more likely to voice disgust or distaste than mothers (Valentine et al, 2003). This was not corroborated by these respondents in this research. Beth’s father asked her if she was happy and when she replied ‘yes’ he simply said: ‘well that’s alright

then’. Gaby’s father was also more supportive than her mother. Beth’s and Gaby’s experiences is

at odds with other literature which suggests that mothers, as the main care giver within the family, are likely to be more supportive than fathers (Valentine and Butler, 2003; Valentine et al, 2013; Postuvan et al, 2019).

Many respondents noted the importance of the on-going process of coming out (as discussed in Ch.3). On naming their LGBQ sexuality to family, parents were often shocked or hostile to start with but gradually became more supportive or accepting. Coming out to parents was ‘a continuous dialogue between family members’ as noted in the literature (Valentine et al, 2003, p487). Some respondents talked about their parents being more accepting than they had expected. Ellie, echoing the response of many other respondents’ parents, said her ‘parents

blamed each other “what did we do wrong?” … [but] got more used to it over the years’. Ellie went

on to explain that the coming out to her parents was ‘not a defining moment … [as it was] more

important what happens the weeks, the months, the years after… making it present in their lives … it’s the best way for them to get over their … prejudices’.

Respondents who reported the most acceptance from parents when coming out to them often grew up in families or households where there were other LGBQ identifying members. For Carla this was a maternal aunt; for Jane this was two paternal uncles; for Issie this was LGBQ members of her extended household. Liz’s mother was an actor and had had close friends who were gay; Sabidah’s siblings were supportive of her when she came out to them and one of her brothers later identified as gay; Fern noted that her mother identified as LGBQ sometime after Fern outed herself as bisexual. This seems to be in contrast to the suggestion in the literature that young women with LGBQ role models in the family may find coming out and accepting the expected path of family to be difficult (Valentine et al, 2003).

Only two of the fifteen respondents were asked to leave or were thrown out of their parents’ house when they told their parents about their LGBQ sexuality. Homelessness due to coming out to parents is noted within the literature (D’Augelli, 2002; Valentine and Butler, 2003; Tierney and Ward, 2017) but there is no evidence as to its prevalence. For Patricia having to leave her home was not as devastating as it could have been as she was able to move in with her Nan, who was

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accepting of Patricia’s LGBQ sexuality. Nell’s experience, as a young person who had been adopted, was much more challenging than the experiences of other respondents. In places Nell’s own words are quoted within this story that is paraphrased here at some length.

Nell came out to friends at the age of fifteen because she ‘couldn’t cope with the isolation ... [she had] been holding it in for two years … not knowing what was going on, nobody knew me for who I was’. Some friends were accepting of her LGBT sexuality but others, including her ‘best friend at school ... walked away and didn’t want to know me’. She told one friend, who attended a different school, by letter saying that she had the ‘same tendencies as Anna from Big brother … I couldn’t actually use the word lesbian’. The friend responded positively saying ‘“pink’s really fit” … exchange of nods … that means that I can talk to you [although] ... our relationship did change’. Nell also had a close male friend who was accepting as ‘he knew that I needed a safe space to talk ... he was one of my best friends at school’. When Nell was sixteen her parents ‘thought something was wrong … “you need to tell us what is wrong” … “I’m gay” … “no you’re not” … I couldn’t talk to them … [as they were] not supporting … “it’s not normal” … they were exploring [their own views of LGBQ sexuality] ... on me, I was feeling very vulnerable. … [The] roles were reversed ... as they didn’t understand what I was talking about. I wanted my parents there for me … [I had] no choice but to tell them … I just felt invisible … [as I was living] two different lives … [which was] so isolating.… I was struggling so much … I told them to protect them [from having to live different lives] … my brother was being bullied and suffering … We had a bit of a scuffle. ... They threw me out of the house’. A few months later her parents allowed her to return home but then ‘kicked me out again at seventeen. ... [I had] lots of challenging experiences and was lucky to come out of that time alive’. The challenging experiences from which Nell was lucky to escape went from sofa surfing at friends’ homes; to ‘sleeping on park benches’, to going home with people who had picked her up in gay clubs. Nell recounted that she was not able to go to University despite having done well at college as her parents ‘weren’t going to give me [the] ... proof’ that she was estranged from them to enable her to claim financial support. So Nell was ‘stopped from going to higher education. … Isolated from the majority of my friends … wasn’t able to see my sibling … from having [had] a really close relationship with him. ... I wouldn’t have survived without support from tutors at college’. Her college tutors allowed her to attend college for another year until she had sufficient evidence of being estranged from her parents for twelve months thus enabling her to access appropriate funding for university. College tutors also ensured that she had somewhere safe to live. There was ‘no guidance … on the scene at sixteen … no support ... [until she joined]

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the LGBT community [at university] who took the place of my family. ... I was very involved in LGBT politics [at university] and that took a lot of energy - fighting for other people … I formed my ... identity through that … as no gender identity … could define me. … [It was a] very complicated time … [but made me a] stronger feminist’.

Some of Nell’s experiences were reflected in the literature as LGBT young people may find themselves rejected and homeless in coming out to parents (Tierney, & Ward, 2017), as noted above. The fact that some‘families have little understanding of lesbian and gay lifestyles, and are themselves in need of support when they learn of their son's or daughter's sexuality’ (Valentine et al, 2003, p487) may have linked to Nell’s situation. Her parents were so dismissive of Nell’s needs that she was not able to signpost them to any appropriate support.

Jane and Nell were the only respondents who talked about going out on the gay scene when young. Jane told how she had gone to her nearest city centre gay scene on the bus on her own when she was when only sixteen years old. It ‘wasn’t a really safe place … [I] had to lie about

where I was going. ... I put myself in some really risky situations’. In retrospect she realised that

she was lucky to have got away with this adventure without any harm coming to her at all. Nell’s experiences were probably even riskier, as recounted above. Young people finding that the gay scene was not a safe space is discussed within other research (Valentine, Skelton & Butler, 2002; Scourfield et al, 2008). Being out in gay spaces leads to the increased possibility of LGBT young people being victims of ‘homophobic violence’ (Herek & Berril, 1992 and Valentine, 1993 both cited in Valentine et al, 2002, p13) or entering into ‘emotionally or physically abusive relationships’ (Valentine, 1993, p12). Carla, in this research, also talked about her experience of the gay scene in her home town when she was an adult and how she did not find this space to be safe for herself as a BAME woman (discussed below: Ch.6).

The above breadth of comments, although not always echoing points made within the literature, does emphasise that coming out is a long and often difficult process (Casey, 2002; Valentine et al, 2003; Trotter, 2005; Almack, 2007; Orne, 2011; Devlin, 2015). Stories from respondents recounted here have largely echoed the literature in suggesting again the varied experiences of young women coming out to family regarding their sexuality, although the very negative reactions from fathers (suggested by Valentine et al, 2003) was often not encountered. The next section moves on to discuss the respondents’ experiences in school.

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