Ajenjo “Santa María” (Parthenium hysterophorus)

Nicola (aged 23 at our first meeting) lived in Plymouth in an area ranked 10th most deprived of a total of 39 neighbourhoods (Plymouth City Council, 2014). On the Index of Multiple Deprivation (IMD2010) the incidence of crime and social disorder were particularly high. When I first met Nicola in July 2010 she was approaching the end of the 12-week Prince’s Trust Team Course. She lived with her father who worked in a paint shop, her mother, and her twin sister who was attending college whilst working part-time. Nicola’s appearance was different from the other young women I interviewed: she wore sportswear and trainers and her hair was closely cropped. Though she had a serious expression throughout our interview and rarely made eye

contact, she was able to articulate her thoughts clearly and had a frank way of expressing herself. Unlike some of the other participants I interviewed, who seemed to almost craft a narrative of their experiences, my interview with Nicola felt ‘raw.’ Her emotions appeared close to the surface and it seemed she responded without considering the impression she made. My conversation with Nicola was based on the same areas I covered with the other participants. However, the narrative that emerged was notably different. It centred round Nicola’s struggles with alcohol addiction and her attempts to build a new life for herself.

Nicola did not go into a lot of detail about how her alcoholism had developed, but she attributed it to experiences from her past:

[…] it’s a lot in my past that I’ve got to deal with, as a child. And obviously the Army, I got declined […] Yeah, the Army, I did want to join up. I did want to join the police but unfortunately that’s not possible anymore.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

It seemed that being declined from the Army had been a significant disappointment for Nicola. She had studied Public Services at College and had enjoyed the course, hoping to enter the Army upon its completion. When she got declined Nicola managed to find alternative employment, first at MacDonald’s and then with the local council working on the bins. Though far from her original aspirations, Nicola nevertheless was willing to work and seemed to enjoy the role with the council. Though she was the only female worker on the bins, it seemed that she got on well with her colleagues:

The bins, they weren’t too bad. They were quite nice people down there. Nice, friendly, I could talk to them and have quite a laugh.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

Whilst working on the bins Nicola recognised her drinking had become problematic. As she explained, she left,

[…] because of what I was going through with my drinking. Obviously I was in trouble and I had to get myself sorted out, so I left and never went back. […] I just couldn’t do the job anymore, it wasn’t for me. I left and I went into rehab in the October.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

Nicola had worked in different roles, trying to put the disappointment at being declined from the Army behind her. However, her drinking had spiralled out of control and she had not only spent time in rehabilitation, but had also got into trouble with the police. As a result of her behaviour whilst drunk Nicola had been charged for a number of offences and spent time in prison:

I was arrested and gone to jail […] assault, criminal damage … it’s all drink related.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

In total, Nicola had spent around two years segregated from society, first in prison and then in rehabilitation. Though her physical separation from the community was now over it was clear that Nicola continued to feel ‘shut out’ of mainstream society.

Nicola, unlike the other young adults I interviewed, had not managed to undertake a work placement as part of the Prince’s Trust Course. She felt that it was her criminal record that had held her back:

Interviewer: Have you done a work placement as part of the Team Course?

Nicola: No, I didn’t unfortunately.

Interviewer: Was that just because you didn’t find one?

Nicola: No, I think myself it was because of my criminal record.

It seemed she was acutely aware of some of the difficulties she faced and was sensitive to the opinions of others. Whilst some of Nicola’s family were supportive, others (including her twin sister) sustained a negative opinion of her past behaviour and she felt judged by them:

[…] my other family do judge me. […] cousins, aunties, uncles, my Mum’s grandparents […] My sister ’as voiced a few of her opinions, obviously. At the end of the day it’s none of your business. Don’t give

me stick. She should keep out of it, leave me alone. I’m on benefits

because of medical reasons. That’s why I’m not allowed to work, so she shuts up. If she tries to carry it on, it’s like no, shut up, and like family have to get involved and say no, it’s none of your business.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

Though Nicola wanted to move forwards with her life and was attempting to integrate herself back into the community, she was constrained by the way in which she was constructed by others. This not only had the power to restrict the opportunities available to her, but also left her feeling judged.

Since coming out of rehabilitation in September 2009 Nicola had been trying to live her life ‘clean’ (Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010). Despite the challenges Nicola faced, she was attempting to rebuild her life with a new focus. She had completed a Level 2 Outdoor Leadership qualification whilst in rehabilitation and hoped to build a career in the related area of Youth Work. It was her aim to start an Access to Higher Education course in the September following our interview. She hoped to go on to study an undergraduate degree in Youth and Community Work at the local University. In order to gain some relevant experience, Nicola had been volunteering with a local youth football team:

[…] I work with young people. I do ‘Kicks’ and that, volunteer down

there to get to know how it all works ’cause I’m going into that side of

Youth Work. […] Yeah, football coaching and Youth Work.

Her volunteering work seemed important to Nicola’s motivation to stay ‘clean’, perhaps because it offered her a way of occupying her time and the opportunity to meet new people. It was also clear that Nicola, despite spending over two years away from the community, had maintained a strong motivation to work. Indeed, having work-related goals seemed integral to her recovery.

Nicola was proud of the fact that, through her volunteering, she had been nominated for an award by her mentor. The award was a ‘Turning Point Award’ which recognised Nicola’s attempts to turn her life around. The title of the award seemed to capture what Nicola was trying to do, but also made me consider the fact that she was at a pivotal point in her life. It seemed she was trying to leave one lifestyle behind, but had not yet fully established an alternative. This seemed to be something that Nicola recognised when she spoke about the award:

Interviewer: What would you consider to be an achievement of yours?

Nicola: Well being in the paper and getting an award. […] A ‘Turning Point Award.’ For my life. I’m like trying to turn my life around. That was in June this year. […] I was doing volunteer work with [the football club] and my mentor put me forward for the award. So I got that award and it was pretty good. […] It’s good ’cause I’ve got the award up like in my living room, so I look at that every day. To see that I’ve got this so I’ve got to carry on living life as normal.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

Nicola described how she looked at the award every day for motivation, illustrating how challenging she was finding the process of turning her life around. Her use of the phrase ‘to carry on living life as normal’ also struck me as significant. This made it clear that she viewed her previous behaviour and experiences as somehow abnormal. Nicola was attempting to integrate herself back into what she considered to be a normal way of life, free from

alcohol. Part of this process for Nicola was adjusting to life back in the family home, living in the community where her drinking had become out of control and she had got into trouble with the police. Having spent around two years away from society, first in prison and then rehabilitation, this must have been challenging for Nicola. I felt that she was somehow teetering between two lives, the life of the addict that she was trying to leave behind and the new life she hoped to build for herself. At the time of our interview it seemed she did not fully belong to either and the image of being at a ‘turning point’ seemed apt.

It was perhaps unsurprising that Nicola had struggled to stay clean once living back in the community. She explained to me how, around a month prior to our interview she had started drinking again. After two weeks of drinking heavily she had somehow managed to stop and at the time of our interview had been clean for two weeks. However, during the period when she was drinking heavily she had got into trouble with the police:

I had been back on the drink for 2 weeks. I’ve been dry for 2 weeks now. I’ve stopped drinking again now. […] I tend to stay in out the way at the moment because I’ve just been done again in court. In two years that is, two and a half years, I kept clean and had a blip, and obviously they know I’m on a conditional discharge, so I’m just trying to stay away from the police. Because they’re going to be on my back all the time, so I stay out of their way, they keep out of my way. So I tend to stay in, play on the X-Box, read the papers or read a book, do a crossword.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

Nicola felt that because of her past she had a bad reputation. She chose to stay in not only to avoid getting into trouble with the police, but also because she had been accused of something that she maintained she had no involvement with:

I’ve had to stay away. Recently I’ve had to stay in, because I’ve been accused of something I haven’t done and I’ve been stigmatised for that now and it wasn’t even me that did it. So now I’ve got to stay out the way.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

Her use of the word ‘stigmatised’ in the above extract emphasised how keenly she felt the opinions of others and drew attention to her sense of isolation and alienation. To avoid trouble she stayed in, occupying herself with solitary activities such as playing the X-Box and reading, which must have further contributed to her isolation. In many ways it seemed that, despite her efforts to ‘turn her life around’, Nicola was being punished for her addiction multiple times over: through her continued struggles with alcoholism; through her criminal record; through the opinions of others including her family; through the way in which she felt stigmatised and isolated. Quite apart from her addiction, there were a number of obstacles that Nicola would need to overcome if she was to ‘turn her life around.’ Some of these obstacles were created by the way in which her behaviour was constructed by others. She continued to be constrained by the negative opinions others had of her, and felt vilified by some of her own family members.

When Nicola looked to the future she tried to visualise a positive outcome for herself and attempted to be optimistic. These were her closing comments from our interview:

[…] I know where I want to be. I know what I want to do now. If I hadn’t been on this [the Prince’s Trust Programme] when I did, I don’t think I’d know where I want to be now. Think I’d be a down and out, wouldn’t I, most probably? I’m optimistic about where I want to be in 10 years, what I want to do. Getting there, forward slowly.

(Nicola, Interview 1, July 2010)

However, I felt it was notable that Nicola stated that she was ‘optimistic about where I want to be in 10 years.’ Her focus on the long-term perhaps revealed

that she knew the immediate future was going to be challenging; her closing words ‘forward slowly’ also seemed to indicate this. I wondered whether she realised that her criminal record might impact on her ambitions to study Youth and Community Work. Certainly she seemed to recognise that this had restricted her ability to find a work placement. Given the setbacks she had already experienced since leaving rehabilitation, it was of course possible that she simply felt it would be difficult to fulfil her aims of ‘living life as normal.’

When I tried to arrange to meet with Nicola for a second interview she agreed to meet and we set a time and date. The evening before she contacted me via text and asked to rearrange the meeting, which we did. However, on the morning of the new date, she phoned me and spoke to me briefly on the phone, sounding anxious and stating she was with her social worker and couldn’t meet. I tried once more to meet with Nicola, but she again cancelled via text just before the time of the meeting. At this stage I decided I would not pursue meeting any further. It seemed clear that Nicola, though willing to meet, was still facing challenges in her life and I felt it would have been unfair to continue to contact her.

Nicola’s narrative held within it a number of factors associated with social exclusion: addiction; antisocial behaviour; unemployment and criminality. Further, she came from a locality that had particularly high incidence of crime and anti-social behaviour. It is easy to see, therefore, how her narrative could be manipulated to fit a ‘moral underclass discourse’ (Levitas, 2006: 125) of social exclusion. Indeed, a focus on the ‘imputed behaviour or moral deficiencies of ‘problem’ groups’ (Levitas, 2006: 125) might be utilised to explain her position of marginality. However, this is not the way in which Nicola’s narrative is interpreted. Instead, her story is understood as that of a young woman who was subject to a ‘dynamic process of being shut out’ (Walker and Walker, 1997: 8). Though she seemed to occupy a ‘position of inferiority in relation to centres of power, resources and prevailing values’ (Estivill, 2003: 19) this was not a situation entirely of her own making. Certainly Nicola had engaged in behaviour in the past that had isolated her from the community. As was outlined above she had spent two years in

rehabilitation and prison. However, that she continued to experience life on

the margins was not the direct result of her past behaviour or experiences.

Rather, it was the way in which that behaviour was constructed and understood that was found to be significant. Not only did this have the power to create obstacles (for example through the implications of having a criminal record), but it also influenced how Nicola perceived her own life. She felt judged by others and discussed how she felt ‘stigmatised.’ Nicola responded by staying in and engaging in solitary activities to keep out of trouble. Yet it is clear that this would have further contributed to her sense of isolation.

Nicola’s life, for a number of reasons, had been chaotic in the years preceding my interview with her. Moving between prison, rehabilitation and her family home, it seemed she did not yet feel she belonged back in the community and was struggling to find her ‘place.’ In the next section I continue to consider the impact of chaotic lives through the experiences of Nick and Luke.