F
orgiveness is another essential attitude of mindfulness that can help cultivate greater understanding, ease, and freedom. It has been shown to reduce stress, anger, and depression and to support many aspects of well-being and happiness. Try a little experiment. Think of someone in your life right now who has slighted you in some way (maybe not the most extreme slight) and for whom you are holding some bitterness. Picture that person and hold on to that unwillingness to forgive. Now, just observe any emotions you have: anger, resentment, fear, sadness. Also notice how you are holding your body—is it tense anywhere or feeling heavy? Now bring awareness to your thoughts —are they hateful and spiteful thoughts?Pause before continuing to read. Just take in this experiment.
Most people we do this with find it to be an uncomfortable experiment. It elicits feelings of tension and anger and thoughts of ill will toward the other person. The experiment doesn’t conjure these feelings out of nowhere; it just brings to light what is already within us, stirring around. There is a common misconception that forgiveness means condoning the act of the other person. Forgiveness simply means releasing this cycle of torture that continues to reside inside.
It’s heartfelt and courageous to say, I have been offended against. I am going to let go of this so I don’t continue to be burdened by it. You have already been hurt once; why continue letting it torment you by holding on to it, with the erroneous belief that doing so is somehow getting back at the other person? When we hold a grudge, a “grievance story” builds in the mind, and as we hold on to it, we continue to fuel it, sowing the seeds of our own suffering.
Forgiveness is the practice of learning how to let go of this story in the service of loving ourselves.
Just Do It!
Right now we’re going to give you a way to loosen the grip of grudges and tune a mindful heart. As you go through these steps, remember that your intention is to nurture peace within yourself, not assuage any other party.
1. Articulate it—Think about someone you hold bitterness toward and articulate why what this person did was not okay to you.
2. Get perspective—Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes—or ten years—ago.
3. Make a choice—Decide if you’re ready to let go of this burden.
4. See who is suffering—Instead of mentally replaying your hurt from long ago, see if it’s possible to recognize that you are suffering now and ask yourself, What is it
that I really need? Is it to feel safe, to be understood, to be loved, to be free? If possible, contact the person to make amends; if that’s not possible, seek out new ways to get what you want.
5. Practice kindfulness—Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
Be Gentle
M
ahatma Gandhi said, “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” A central thread that moves through all the practices of MBSR is the attitude of gentleness. In fact, another way to define “mindfulness” may be “intentionally paying attention in a gentle way, while putting aside our programmed biases.” The practice of being gentle with ourselves is a way of softening the heart. Even as we move through a simple breathing practice, you’ll hear the instruction, “When you notice your mind wandering, just note that you are thinking and gently guide awareness back to the breath.” This gentleness is intentional. We want to give our brains the experience of being consciously gentle over and over again, so that it’s more likely to occur automatically in daily life. Usually when people enter an MBSR program, there is a tendency toward being self- critical, or if they’re experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, they’re inclined to suppress that emotion. There’s a tendency toward care-lessness. Being gentle in life implies a 180- degree shift to a practice of doing things with care. When we’re picking up a newborn, carrying a hot cup of tea, or transferring a tender plant into a new pot, we’re gentle. If you think about it, we’re often gentle with things that are precious and delicate. Life itself is precious and delicate.Paradoxically, it is often the unpleasant experiences in life that give us the greatest opportunity to practice the essential energy of gentleness. The energy of mindfulness is like a parent or older sibling holding a baby in her arms; there’s a sense of tenderness in taking care of this child. Mindfulness holds uncomfortable feelings gently, as if they were a baby. While doing a breathing practice, a participant in one of our classes said that during the meditation she felt a great deal of restlessness. We asked, “Did you notice where you felt that in the body?” She considered the question and said, “Yes, it was a tightness in my shoulders,” and she went on to say the tightness was still lingering there and was uncomfortable. The class paused as we asked her, “Is it possible, just for a few moments, to hold this restlessness as you might a baby, with gentleness and care?” She took a moment and allowed for this experience to settle in. In a few moments, she took a deep breath and said it had softened. To be gentle is to be powerful. Just Do It! We can get better and better at being gentle with ourselves by simply practicing it in daily life. Try spending a portion of the day walking gently in your office, or take your shoes off and do so upon the earth. How would it feel to be gentler as you cook a meal today or even eat a meal more gently? Can you see how the child is always alive in you, and when an unpleasant emotion arises within the days that follow, can you inquire if it may need gentleness instead of self-judgment? As you practice gentleness, see if this attitude starts coming to you naturally, like moments of grace throughout the day.