For Clara, it is a matter of timing, believing that when her younger son is older, he may be more accepting of adoption. She explains how her perceptions of herself as a prospective mother have changed over time.
Initially, when she may have adopted because of infertility, she perceived a different claiming of her adopted child, whereas now she was contemplating adopting an older child. Clara described this dichotomy as two different camps, perceiving herself as moving from one to the other (Coelho & Figueiredo, 2003; McNamee, 2010).
The personal choices of many participants can be examined through Rachel and Clara’s experiences. They highlight the lack of hierarchy in mediating choice of biological and adoptive motherhood. Thus, adoption is not dichotomously opposed to a biological route to parenthood but an alternative, personally meaningful choice, albeit deliberated against a landscape of temporal and social constraints. In doing so, participants who navigate matters of prospective adoptive parenthood evidenced how they make meaning in a post-dichotomous self (Beech & Cairns, 2001).
These perceptions are important if those assessing prospective adopters are to make sense of the views prospective adopters form based on their experiences. In the following subsection, I discuss experiences of adoption as a positive choice and include extracts from interviews with two couples who chose not to pursue IVF as a means of achieving parenthood. The discussion draws on several aspects of what is construed as a positive choice in adoption; these include a positive affirmation of prospective adopter and potential adopted child.
6.2.2 Choosing/Not Choosing biological intervention
Several participants shared, what was for many, an emotional experience of being unable to conceive or have a successful pregnancy.
However, although, several participants would have preferred a biological child, most did not want to undergo in vitro fertilisation (IVF). One couple,
147 Sarah and John, made the decision to harvest eggs after Sarah was told that her cancer treatment would likely lead to infertility. Unfortunately, the eggs did not survive the freezing procedure. Thus, although they wanted a child of their own, this was no longer a choice they had available to them, which led to them to contemplate adoption. I interviewed them together at their home, the extract below focuses on John’s shared experience. Notably, research that explores heterosexual male experiences of infertility is sparse (Daly, 1988; Goldberg et al., 2009) and does not illuminate individual experience.
John: “So we’re probably not going to be able to have children of our own, which I, I am, disappointed about that I (..) I often have (.) you know I, I, again in my job I see, I see millions of kids (.) trundling about the place with their (.) sort of snotty noses and temperatures and things (.) all coming ended up coming into the department at four o’clock in the morning, with (..) but, um they are sometimes really affecting and (..) I sometimes see little kids that I imagine look like (.) our kids would look, especially little girls who look a bit like Sarah and, and I think how wonderful it would be to have, you know, our daughter.” (Lines: 2198-2206).
However, in this study, John expressed his sense of loss in the imaginings of a daughter who would embody Sarah’s physical characteristics. This illuminates the complexity of what it means for a couple to have a child whom shares a genetic resemblance beyond a veil for social acceptance of them presenting as a genetically related family but as a means of sharing the embodiment of the partner that you love (Howat-Rodrigues, Tokumaru, de Amorim, Garcia, & Izar, 2013; Mohanty et al., 2017). This shared experience adds depth to the NAW campaign’s simplistic construction of what it means to be or not be a biological father.
Peter’s experience also adds to our understanding of the experience of some men when contemplating routes to fatherhood. Peter explained that he and Fiona (his wife of ten years), had pursued IVF and although this had thus far been unsuccessful it was something that they were likely to repeat. However, this was not something Peter necessarily wanted for
148 himself, but he had decided to allow Fiona the choice of what they would do.
Peter: “At the time, I actually (..) favoured adoption, we ended up doing IVF after that, one round, but I was kind of thinking “oh maybe adoption was actually a better option.” (Lines: 6089-6091).
To make sense of his preferences and the complexity of his dichotomous existence, Peter described the sharing of this experience with his wife, Fiona. He explained that he had considered adoption as a possible route to parenthood for fifteen years, before meeting his wife he had abandoned hope of becoming a parent, as Fiona had not wanted children. However, two or three years ago, Fiona changed her mind and decided she did want to have a child. After a period of being unable to conceive, the couple opted for a course of IVF, which proved unsuccessful.
Peter: “Whereas Fiona (..) said she didn’t want a child until maybe two or three years ago (…) and who knows what that meant really but it, but it was a different kind of journey for her to come to where we are now (.) I almost feel she’s only just wanted a child, a baby.
To only just have wanted something and then to have it taken away from you is different from (..) getting used to the idea of not having something over a period of ten years (small laugh).” (Lines: 6333-6340).
In the above extract, Peter describes the difference in the timing of their experiences of wanting and not wanting a child. Peter explained that for him, becoming a parent was more important than how it was achieved.
However, Fiona could not reject the potential to have her own biological child and wanted to undergo another round of IVF; this decision left Peter feeling that he will never become the father that he desires. Thus his own needs are in conflict with his desire to provide his wife with the patience and time she needs to pursue an opportunity for biological motherhood (Birenbaum-Carmeli & Dirnfeld, 2008; Coelho Jr. & Figueiredo, 2003).
149 Peter’s re-positioning of his own needs was influenced by the significant impact of Fiona recent desire in wanting to become a biological mother.
He uses time as a means of making sense of his subjective reasoning, positioning Fiona’s experience of acute loss alongside his own that has spent ten years living with the sense that he would not become a father.
After they were advised that they could not have a biological child, participants Malcolm and Lynne report, they readily made a shared decision not to pursue IVF. However, when they approached an adoption service, they were encouraged to consider IVF treatment before pursuing adoption. This left them feeling that their own views were not given due regard which served to highlight the continued prominence adoption agencies give to biological routes of parenthood.
Malcolm: “They put a large push on IVF, they seem to think we should consider it more and talk it through more.”
Lynne: “Yeah.”
Malcolm: “Ah, what we think didn’t seem acceptable.”
Lynne: “Yeah, yeah, we just don’t like the idea of playing with nature and (.) that was just like well you know really ought to have it, give it a go and stuff like that.”
(Lines: 1118-1123)
Malcolm explains how he felt pushed to give further thought and discussion to the potential impact of pursuing or not, IVF. Lynne, also felt they were expected to exhaust biological routes to parenthood before they could be assessed as adoptive parents. These experiences highlight the continued prevalence of pronatalist views experienced by some prospective adopters that are less likely to arise in other studies that often recruit participants via adoption agencies. Importantly, this study highlights the continued dominance of pronatalist discourses and its impact on the value given to the subjective knowledge of prospective adopters in determining what the right route to parenthood is for themselves. However, not all people who want to adopt are childless, and
150 the next subsection explores the experiences of participants who want to adopt as a means of completing their family.