Groom price and the ideas of groom price are crucial to differentiate matriliny from other forms of social organisations. The groom price should be seen from both economic and socio-cultural aspects, as it helps to establish the gender relations between men and
women in matrilineal societies. However, groom price was completely different in the past. Several decades ago, according to old people in the village, groom price consisted of basic items such as clothes, scarves, and perhaps an expensive item such as a buffalo. The groom price was supposed to be paid by the bride’s clan, not the bride or the bride’s family alone, to show the relationship between the two clans and therefore it would never go beyond the actual affordability of the bride’s clan. Moreover, the groom price could be paid in ‘instalments’ during the course of a marriage. Groom price was not high as it was not meant to create a financial burden for the bride’s family. Instead, it was consid- ered a contract between lineages of the couple and represented some elements of respect and compensation for the groom’s lineage and certain obligations of being bound to and respecting the wife’s lineage.
Nowadays groom price is high and to a certain extent is losing its original mean- ing. Meanwhile, the loosening of traditional institutions makes it easier for both parties to get divorced. Previously, divorce was rare and if it happened, normally the groom and his clan were blamed and had to pay a ‘fine’ to ask for forgiveness from the bride’s clan (Interview with ID18, 2015). The traditional institutions, therefore, aimed to protect women’s well-being. The current system, however, seems to give men more advantages in terms of bargaining power. The woman and her family have to worry about groom price when they reach marriageable age. Although the groom price is negotiable between the two families, most brides (and her family) end up paying only a little less than the amount originally asked for by the groom’s family. In case the marriage breaks down, the men are free to leave without a fine or responsibility for any children. In similar research about dowry and gender relations in India, Srinivas (1984) and Rao (1993) show that a dowry received by a son normally makes up 68% of his household’s assets and as such, it can cause considerable hardship to families with daughters to be married. In my case study, some K’ho mothers told me that the groom price in Kala Tongu village is increas- ingly high and they prefer their daughters to marry Kinh men, because Kinh men marry without groom price. From the perspective of K’ho men, there is no observed pressure for them to marry so their families and clans can benefit from potentially high groom prices. It seems to me that nowadays local people tend to conflate the groom price and wedding costs, and they come to realise that the brides and brides’ families have more financial pressures than the grooms and their families.
As groom price is the main responsibility of women, those who cannot afford the groom price feel socially embarrassed and humiliated. In exceptional cases, the couples might still move in together without a wedding to reduce the financial burden for the
brides and their clans. When I was staying with my third host family, I came across a case of an old couple who had to organise a big feast to celebrate their wedding although they have been married for more than 30 years. They were too poor to pay for the wedding at the time, so they decided to live together without a customary wedding. Therefore, they had a socio-cultural debt to pay. After they invited villagers to enjoy a wedding feast, they were officially considered a married couple in the eyes of the local people.
Since the women and their clans pay for the wedding and the men simply move in to live with their wives’ clans, the men are obligated to work for the bride’s family and their own family. According to a religious leader, local men tell him that they have to enjoy their freedom before marriage, because once they get married, they will become ‘modern slaves’ for their wives’ families. K’ho men, in this sense, still depend greatly on the women in their households (Interview with ID19). It is noted that these views might be one-sided as they reflect the perspective of a Kinh priest. Also, since some K’ho men still maintain their connection with their natal clans where they have a higher status, the dependence of K’ho men on their wives is limited within their nuclear families, but not in the extended families or in the community. In other words, it is a symbolic dependence. The groom price narrative seems to be an endless story for other villagers in Kala Tongu. Talking about their everyday struggles, most of my informants go back to groom price and wedding costs at some point. There are different opinions around groom price, which shows the ambivalence of K’ho society in transition. The increases in groom price are also related to local people’s preference for sons or daughters.
A Women's Union representative, also a local K’ho, expressed her frustration af- ter various attempts of Women’s Union to encourage local people to modify the list of items required for groom price, reduce the groom price and accompanying wedding ex- penses:
I myself try to talk to them [about groom price] several times, but no one listens to me [...] Everyone wants to have a big and expensive wedding and then they have to borrow money [to pay back the wedding costs] [...] Mostly women disa- gree with reducing the groom price. Why? Because they have sons. They say they had to carry their sons in their womb for more than nine months so they want to set the high groom price [when their sons get married]. (Interview with LH4, 2015)
Interestingly, while high groom prices might have left many women and their natal fam- ilies in a difficult financial situation, it is also considered a social norm that every member in that community agrees to follow. In other words, it is part and parcel of K’ho culture.
A middle-aged woman with two daughters and considered as having good knowledge of K’ho traditionculture by her neighbours provided me with a long list of groom price items. She calculated that it can take up to 100 million VND ($5,000) for a woman to get married (Box 3).
The groom, according to her, will not return any of those items to the bride’s family should the couple divorce. This is not fair for the women, as she commented. However, when asked if she would rather have daughters or sons, she seemed to go back to their tradition, maintaining that “our people still like to have daughters because daughters will stay with us, keep our house and our land [within our matrilineal clans]. Our sons will just go to live in other houses [their wives’]” (Interview with PV5, 2015).
The economic aspects of groom price are specifically emphasised by women/mothers with more than one daughter. Another woman presents an interesting case of groom price negotiation between her and her future son-in-law’s family. Accord- ing to her, the groom’s family asked for 40 million VND ($2,000), but she can only afford 30 million VND ($1,500). They then came up with a solution that might benefit both sides. She will give them 40 million VND ($2,000), and the groom’s family will not take it for themselves but give back to the newly-weds after marriage. This also reflects the new trend in K’ho society as the flow of resources seems to move towards the new couple instead of being kept in the groom’s family. The reason the groom’s family insists on asking for 40 million VND is because they are considered well-off, and thus they need to find a relatively well-off family who can afford the 40 million VND groom price to marry their son into. In order to spare her in-laws embarrassment, she has decided to give them the proposed amount, although they both understand that the real amount is negotiable upon the bride’s economic conditions. This woman also shared stories about her own
Box 3. List of most popular items needed for groom price (field work in 2015-2016) +Cash (from 30 million to 50 million VND) to pay for the wedding feast
+Gold rings (for the parent and relatives of the groom) +Scarves (from 8-10 pieces)
+Cloth to make dresses (from 8-10 pieces) +Black umbrellas (4 pieces) (optional) +Necklaces made by Cham people (optional)
marriage. Surprisingly for someone of her generation, she also had to pay 30 million VND in addition to a buffalo and gold jewellery. Her husband, as other men during that time, moved in her house with no dowry or valuable property and therefore had to depend on her. She proudly told me that:
If my husband talks back to me or quarrels with me, I will beat him or chase him out of my house. Because this is my land, this is my house, I have my daughters and I even have a son-in-law here with me. If he wants to leave, he can leave. But he’s scared of me. (Interview with LH7, 2015)
Seemingly, the groom price is a two-sided coin. On the one hand, it creates a financial responsibility for the woman and her natal family before marriage as the groom price tends to be high. As a woman put it, the groom price increases in tandem with the coffee bean price (Interview with ID14, 2015). On the other hand, for the older generation, the groom price helps women to gain a higher status in the household due to the fact that her family pays to buy him and then allows him to live in her house.
In a group interview with men, they admit that the high groom price sometimes can cause financial problems to women and families with daughters. However, they note that it is up to the bride’s family to decide whether they want to pay the amount asked. Moreover, the bride’s family might pay this over several years (Group interview with men, 2015). Another man, whose family ran a shop at the centre of the village, told me that nowadays the groom and his family also have to make sure the new groom brings some valuable property such as motorbikes or coffee land to his wife’s family (Short chat, ID20, 2015).
In short, we can observe how local perceptions vary across social status and gen- der. From the perspective of local authorities, asking a high groom price is a backward practice that should be better regulated by the local government. Lay people, including women, mostly complain about the expenses incurred with groom price and wedding cer- emonies. However, they also feel that they have to comply with it because it is part of their tradition and they still manage to do so either through using their own savings or borrowing from Kinh and K’ho money lenders. Meanwhile, men tend not to be very opin- ionated about groom price. One possible reason is that the men do not directly handle financial issues, so they are not attentive to the high groom price. Men also do not go to see Kinh merchants/money-lenders to borrow money. Women, while portraying them- selves as the groom buyers and later the household treasurers, are more vocal and specific when it comes to discussing the groom price.