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As a child I was a big dreamer and always drawn to the questions. Why are we here? What is this all about? Where is God? Being born into a family that seemed to not share my enthusiasm for discovery or my curiosity, I stuffed my questions and tried to fit in. However, I found that it was not only my family, but also my circle of friends and community that seemed to lack an interest in the larger questions. And it wasn’t just the deep questions that a longed to have answered, I had a strong desire to communicate on a deep level with others. What I noticed was that I gave most people a headache!

However, hiding from this deep longing inside me didn’t work very well either. I was riddled with insecurity as I felt so completely out of place. I thought something was wrong with me because I was so different.

This state of feeling out of place, by the way, is common for people who later become healers and seekers. If you felt on the fringe and perhaps like an outcast growing up, your mission tends to be bigger, and your blooms will be larger as an adult. You are destined to become one of the catalysts for transforming the world. So take heart! Well, I guess its great to hear this now, but it didn’t help me back then. Growing up in the 60’s and early 70’s, the kind of information I was looking for – specifically the answers to why we are here – was just not readily available. (I’ve since discovered that there have always been plenty of books out there on these subjects even since the 1920’s. And before then the truth was held by certain groups and passed along. But not knowing what to look for made me believe that there were no answers). How wonderful that we are now living in this new Renaissance Age with the answers all around us and presented in many ways for all to access!

For me the Renaissance started while I was in college. I short blurb in a women’s

magazine compelled me to go buy the book Creative Visualization. At that time I wasn’t as in the habit of buying books as I am now. Actually, since my entire budget seemed to go into buying text books, I never bought books for my own personal interest. Plus, not being a great student, I didn’t usually read much beyond my school work. So to make this effort to get this little volume was a big deal.

I was awestruck by the possibility of deliberately creating my life. The wisdom in this book completely blew away. It was as if the answers to everything I had been wondering about and craving to know my whole life were suddenly revealed. Having always felt like I never fit in, completely lost in my own body, weird and out of place growing up, this was like finding an oasis after a lifetime in the desert.

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Though reading Creative Visualization was life changing for me on some levels, I was just not ready to apply the material. Hey, being a typical 20 something, the idea of growth or ego eradication was not even a consideration. I just figured since I did the exercises in my head, I’d be fine and I’d find eternal riches on earth. You see, I got the impression that God was a gigantic vending machine in the sky and nothing was required on my part in terms of personal growth.

Was I ever wrong on that! Being as unconscious as I was at the time, when I was hit with some difficulties in my life I became very angry. Why wasn’t this stuff working? What was I doing wrong? I couldn’t fathom the possibility that there was no God, but I was sure mad at her.

Looking back I just wasn’t ready to become the deliberate creator of my life. It would have required too much self-awareness and introspection. And I was just too addicted to being a victim. It is so much easier to blame the external world! So I put the Laws of Attraction aside for a number of years and concentrated on partying.

While I was fortunate that I did not develop a long term substance abuse addiction, I was certainly having problems with alcohol. There were times when I had black outs and did some things I’m not proud of. I was running away from my utter loneliness even though I was surrounded by people. I felt like no one on the planet had any idea of who I was or cared to connect with me. So I would drink in order to let down my guard so I could talk and try to connect with people. Looking back on it, I was simply desperate to be known to someone and to share on a deep spiritual level with others. It just didn’t occur to me that I’d need to deliberately move toward the right people or move through the void in my soul in order to find that.

Unfortunately, the people I drank with didn’t have answers for me and it caused me severe depression. Not that they were bad people, they just weren’t right for me and didn’t share my longing to know. So basically, I would wake up wondering where I was going with all this and who on earth was there that I could connect with. This lack of connection included my boyfriend, who later became my husband. Because I didn’t recognize that I could have more, I settled for this kind of relationship. Not that he was a bad person, but our relationship was entirely devoid of connection. Having never had a real connection I thought it didn’t exist. We did laugh and share a sense of humor, which I absolutely value and require in a relationship to this day. But the connection piece is imperative and was, unfortunately, missing. I felt completely alone and wanted and needed a companion. I settled for a man who could not know my heart and was not able to share his.

Through all this, life happened as it does. Following the natural progression of things, I worked in human services as a substance abuse counselor (yeah, I know, the irony of it all!), slowed down on the partying and took a break to have kids. I took part time work as a social worker so my main focus could be my sons. When the kids entered school, I became PTA President because I thought that’s what I should do. And, as often happens when we do things we feel obliged to do, I found I did not fit in there at all.

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Then when I was considering going back to full time work, I discovered Coach University and realized I’d turned my back on my soul all these years. Here was the information I had neglected to explore for so long! It was finally here for me again! I immersed myself in the material, joined the local coaches groups and even become a president. Finally, here were people who were of like mind!

However, another blow was to come my way on my journey. I continued to feel like an outcast with these people as well. My God, if I didn’t fit in here, where would I ever feel that sense of belonging? Poor self-esteem and low grade depression were becoming constant companions in my life even though I felt like I was doing everything right by following my passion. But in retrospect, what I was doing was repeating the same belief pattern again, even unconsciously, how was I to ever expect anything but the same results? I still believed I didn’t fit in!

So I stuffed those largely unconscious feelings of unworthiness and proceeded to work at building my business. Of course, it continued to be a struggle. All the while I

understood and practiced the importance of my own personal and spiritual growth to my work as a human being and a coach. I worked with a number of coaches and studied the material Coach University offered. I read books and took training programs that helped me to grow and felt I made a lot of progress.

I had moments of bliss occasionally. In many areas of my life, I learned what

deliberately taking responsibility and handling my need for connection meant. Then I found and used Wayne Dyer’s Japa Meditation to build my knowingness for selling our unmarketable house. I wrote in more detail about that in Chapter 6.

I spent a lot of years feeling lonely and frustrated that other people could not know me. And I admit I can still tend to get that way. It’s called perpetuating a limiting belief consciously or just plain self-pity.

Of course, when I was a child I had a right to be given the connection and love I desired, but at the same time, my parents did the best they could. This programmed reaction I developed to the world only set me up for more isolation. I just kept repeating what I learned as a kid. I was a healer and seeker and yes it made me feel different. But I turned it into a reason to excuse my inaction regarding doing anything to change it. It was simply ego finding another way to keep me stuck. But now I realize I was feeling pretty sorry for myself!

I had to learn to trust my connection to Source entirely. We don’t ever have to be alone, there is love and light surrounding us all the time when we let go and allow it.

I learned that I was looking to others for reassurance and that was something no one could ever give me. My ex-husband could never have given it to me, people of like mind could never give it to me, no one ever could. The only place I could ever receive that was from myself and from my connection to Source.

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Now this is a paradox as we do need each other and we do have to take actions to bring people into our lives, but the first responsibility is to our connection to Source. That means spending time with people who make you feel more connected. That means never stopping pursuing the things that are in alignment with your Soul and spending time only with people who are allies in that journey.

The thing is, we’re not here to only receive love and approval from others. We’re here to give it. We’re here to be love first. We’re here to learn to be in love with life in all the good times and the bad. And that love flows from connection to Source.

Boy, when I get that things go MUCH better. I wish I could say I do this ALL the time. But I can say that when I do, life works very well. My light attracts circumstances and people that are right for me and I feel great. And, yes, it’s often true that I work sometimes to have that light on even when others don’t get it, even people I love. Sometimes I have to move on in pursuit of my journey when they cannot be a part of it and sometimes it’s painful. But that’s pain and not negative emotion. Our first and most important relationship in this world and beyond is our relationship with Spirit. Feel good, let light shine through and be that.

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