While hood ornaments have gone the way of old hoods, I think they are
classy and should be resurrected, but with changes. It might be fun to place
a dead rat on the front of a mouthy mark's car with a neck tag that reads,
"You're next." This particular use of the message for a newly planted
ornament came from Shadow.
I, myself, had though of mounting a stiffy dead groundhog so that my
mark's new "hood ornament" stood up, impaled from the animal's sphincter
muscle. Perhaps a note would be appropriate, perhaps not.
The only worse use of head ornaments I have heard of came from John
"Big Dick The Truck" Camper, who is normally a quiet, poetry- addicted,
middle-aged member of a small-town Elk's Club. He told me he would love to
find, buy and place a dead human head on the hood of his truck. Does he look
-- HOSPITALS --
Dolly Gurney, who toils in the medical profession in West Virginia, has
a neasty twist of humor. She offers up some intelligence which might be
useful to repay a hospital for.
Whenever a body (aka a dead person) is being moved from one area of a
hospital to another, it is usually loaded onto the bottom tray of one of the
double layer carts they use. This makes it look less ominous, I suppose. The
body is hidden under a sheet so unsuspecting visitors fresh from seeing
Uncle Joe in his last throes of terminal herpes won't be offended by another
stiff. To check, look carefully for the white toe-tag clipped to the sheet.
Hospital orderlies haul these loads during their routine rounds.
Sometimes, the deceased is unattended for three, four or even five minutes
at a time. Sound like part of a comedy film plot? Nope, it's true. How much
imagination does it take to list five quick stunts you could pull involving
their silent coconspirator?
Dolly revealed an incident from her own medical facilty when one of the
snotty clerks from the front office, a habitual gossip and confirmed bitch,
was standing in the hall flapping her mouth in a torrent of lies about some
other employee's sex life. Dolly says on of the orderlies had his buddy
assume the corpse position on the lower shelf of meat wagon, complete with a
tag on a bare toe peeking out from under the almost carefully tucked sheet.
Laughing with her usual guest, Dolly continued, "This orderly was
whistling gaily as he approached the bitch and her cornered audience. They
looked up and saw what was coming - no big deal. As the orderly drew abreast
of the gossip, he slowed almost to a stop as if not being able to pass.
"At that very moment, the other orderly, pretending to be a corpse on
the lower shelf, slowly reached his hand out from under the sheet and firmly
grabbed the bitch's ankle."
Dolly reports that the shirek was heard from Pittsburgh to Louisville,
and that the markess had to change her underwear immediately after she
revived by an ammonia cap. Yeah, I like it, too.
-- INSECTS --
Jennifer Marshall is a grand lady who now lives in California. She's
had a bad time because she is good, honest, hard working and good looking.
But best of all, she has a grand sense of humor, and she also knows how to
use fleas.
She suggests you take three or four plastic storage bags that seal and
put a small a mount of honey in the bottom of each. Blow some air into each
bag. The, Jennifer says, locate some roaming neighborhood cat that is always
outside, i.e., a full-occupancy flea motel. Hold the bag over the cat's back
and run the open end along the fur as you pretend to pet it. You will sweep
up many fleas into the bag.
Next, take the bags of fleas to your mark's car. If you want the fleas
to a nice home, sprinkle some powered sugar around the interior of the
vehicle, too. This also works for apartments, mail slots, etc. It may be true that the early worm risks being eaten by a late-night
bird, but cockroaches will probably outlive us all. There must be growing
appreciation for cockroaches, though, as both Shadow and The Quarter Machine
suggested cockroach eggs as a useful tool for the happy Hayduker. These
little eggs, which look just like popcorn kernels, can be gathered from most
fleabag apartments and hostels. Some laboratory supply companies also sell
them. They would be a delightful present for that special someone,
especially if he or she likes popcorn.
-- JOGGERS --
While this is actually more a defense measure than a revenge stunt,
many people who jog have called when I do talk shows to ask how they can get
back at their attackers. Other than the usual bag of after- action goodies,
there are always "kicking spikes," sold for general personal defense, but
ideal for joggers. Basically, they are 20-gauge steel spikes worn unseen
under you shoelaces, but protrudingly enough to do damage. Kicking spikes
are available from Defense Systems, PO Box 297, Awendaw, SC 29429
-- JUKEBOXES --
Nothing fancy, but this stunt could cause the demise of one of these
machines, plus the spillover ill will of ear-mushed customers toward the
restaurant or bar. Out a bunch of your abandoned change, two or three
dollars' worth, into the target box and select the worst song on the play
list. Researching the establishment, its patrons and the play list for
maximum effect is vital before you attempt this stunt. A bit of test
marketing could also help you. Select the absolute worst song, the really
buttons and
leave or stay; either way, enjoy.