Bastidores MR4 a MR7

Homeschooling, Yet Never Home

One of the most stressful aspects of homeschooling can be the compulsion to make an excessive number of time and energy commitments outside of the home. By this we mean that homeschoolers have a tendency to clock up a great list of outings every week; swimming, skating, art class, table tennis, woodwork and homeschool excursions. Most of these trips are made for the children's `benefit', and these are in addition to the usual demands on the car (and us!) like church, homeschool group, prayer or Bible meetings and shopping. There is no doubt that all these outings often leave us feeling exhausted, and contribute to an atmosphere of `hectic', rather than of `heaven', in our homes. But all this running around is necessary, isn't it? Or is it just expected? There is a difference.

First of all, let's recognise that it is certainly not just the homeschooler that is always out and about, transporting children around all week to various activities. This is the trend of the whole of western society. And it's not just children's activities to which everyone is hurrying, but adults seem to want their full quota of recreation or entertainment too.

Let's stop and think for a minute of how all this has come about in the last five or six decades. When our own parents were young, were their parents running them about in the car to a different activity nearly every day? Not likely. If the family even owned

a car (and they certainly would not have owned two), it was generally not at the children's disposal. It was almost unheard of to be driven to school (or to anything else), and children's after-school or weekend activities were usually limited to scouts, guides, or a sport in season. Church-going and Sunday school were a highlight of the week, since there was almost nothing else on of a Sunday anyway. What changes, then, have we seen since those days, and have these changes brought about an increase in stress level for today's parent?

One change, of course, is the higher standard of living. Before, very few mothers went out to work. Now, two cars per family is considered normal, and even necessary, for the modern working mother. But stay-at-home mothers want their own car now too. Then they can be free to ferry themselves and their children about without having to wait for Father to come home from work. In fact, the parents' lives can now be very independent of each other . . .

Another change is the enormous range of activities now on offer and affordable to all. (At least, they are affordable to those who are made to believe they are important.) Horse-riding, ballet, jazz, bootscooting, pottery, archery, music, gymnastics, drama, ballroom dancing, sailing club, BMX racing, martial arts and every type of sport, all have a venue nearby. When our parents were young, if these activities existed at all, they were geared to children of about age ten and up. Now there are versions of them available to the very young. You can have your little three year old looking sweet in a dancing outfit, or on top of a pony. As soon as he can walk, he can go to Kindagym, there's a swimming class for babies, and if he can run, sign him up for soccer.

As well as a broader range of activities open to a broader age group, the clubs that were traditionally boys-only, now invite girls as well. There is girls' soccer, girls' cricket, girls' football - you name it. As if increasing the target market like this wasn't enough, night-time games, Sunday sports and indoor sport complexes have meant that the competition season almost never ends. You can now play, and pay, all year.

We in the western world are thoroughly spoilt for choice in the area of out- of-home activities. With such a smorgasbord in front of us, it is human nature to fill our plates right up. You too have probably seen the bumper stickers that hint at mother's new role of `chauffeur'. One says simply "Mum's Taxi", and another, "If a Mother's Place is in the Home, Why am I Always in the Car?". To a Christian homeschooling mum, this is a good question.

To answer this, first of all I must make yet another confession. Years ago I used to tell people, with a degree of pride, that although we were homeschoolers we were almost never home. Why did I say such a thing? And why was it true? I believe the reason I said this was because I was reluctant to give people the impression that homeschooling meant closeting children away from the `real world'. I was aware that the idea of

homeschooling was misunderstood by the general public, who thought such children were missing out on `socialization'. So I was quick to dispel the notion that my children were socially isolated, and made it known that instead we were constantly out and about, mixing with the world. How unwise I was then! And how unscriptural.

Scripture Doesn't Date

Although we may think that our commitments outside the home are important, God may think otherwise. Here are some verses on the subject:

Titus 2:4,5

"That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

1 Timothy 5:11-14

"But the younger widows refuse: for when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ, they will marry; having damnation because they have cast off their first faith.

And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully."

What is the Lord saying, through the Apostle Paul, in the above passages of scripture? It is clear from the verses in Titus that a Christian mother is to be a keeper at home, and that this role is equal in importance to loving her husband and children. This is not to say that the mother never ventures out, but rather that she rarely allows herself to be pulled away from her home duties, and that only for a very legitimate cause such as church or shopping. She delights in being home, and has taught her children also not to be constantly wanting to go out.

The passage above from Paul's first letter to Timothy deals with the specific case of young widows. However, its message is still especially relevant because mothers of today have the independence of the young widows, which Paul described as an undesirable situation. Although times have certainly changed since Paul's day, his warning is right up to date. Some modern Christian mothers are tempted to feel free to idle away their time visiting around from house to house while neglecting their own homes, and gossiping about in the name of `fellowship'. According to Paul, this is behaving as if you were a widow with no home responsibilities. Are we guilty of this, simply because we have a car and money to spend? If the truth were only known, how many divorces come about partly because the wife neglects the home? To neglect the home is to neglect her husband and children. The Bible says that such neglect could cause God's word to be blasphemed, and cause our

adversaries to speak reproachfully. These are serious charges! Rather, if we are married, have children and are guiding the house, then there should be very little occasion for being up and out the door. It is almost impossible to adequately keep house while being absent from it, and the pressure of trying to do so is called stress.

Subtle Neglect

Society these days is geared to the fact that people are highly mobile, and a homebased lifestyle is considered unimportant. Because of this, it is possible to `hide' a large degree of neglect, and never notice the subtle way we are robbing ourselves and our families of our mother role. Here's an example:

It is Monday. You hurry through breakfast, devotions and dishes, set the washing machine going and race out the door with the children for iceskating. Picking up a friend's two children on the way, you get to the rink by 10:00am. You've had the foresight to pack a sandwich and a flask of coffee, but the children come off the rink really thirsty, and those chips from the cafeteria smell so good. The children have all had a great time, and you've done a lot of catching up with friends while the children skated. Now you're heading home, but have to drop in to the supermarket to get some emergency disposable nappies. You end up buying a few other necessities. It's mid-afternoon when you get to your friend's place to drop her children off, so she invites you in for a cuppa and chat. You say you'd love to, but can't stop long. However, you stop longer than you meant to, and realise you won't have time to make dinner before your husband gets home. You drive through the pizza pick- up so that you'll all have something hot to eat at the dinner hour, and arrive home just before your husband is due. The baby is so tired and cranky that you give him a quick sandwich and put him to bed, then you throw the wet washing into the dryer since you haven't been home to take advantage of the perfect drying weather. Your husband pulls into the drive, and that's the end of another exhausting day. (Or have you got an evening meeting to get through yet?)

As a homeschooling mum, I used to have many days just like the one described. (Do you?) I did not think at the time that I was robbing my family of anything. I thought I was making a great personal sacrifice to give the children a broad range of educational experiences. But I was neglecting myself and the children spiritually, and I was robbing my husband. By not keeping my home, I was costing my husband a lot of extra money (petrol, car needs, skating costs, extra food and drink, extra groceries, cost to run clothes dryer, pizza), but I was also robbing him of an orderly home, of my time, my attention, and my peace and serenity. He would often come home to a frazzled wife, instead of one wearing the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. Is that not robbing him?

The television used to be the biggest time robber of this sort, but not anymore. I have read recently of Christian mothers who confess they are spending hours everyday on the internet, almost powerless to tear themselves away. For some, this is becoming a serious problem.

Do not think that I point these things out to condemn the technology available to us today. (With a household of eight, there are times when I am very grateful for my clothes dryer!) The technology is not at fault, but we need to be aware that misuse of technology can increase our stress load.

High-Mobility Society

The technology of today has made possible a level of mobility never before experienced in history. A friend of mine from Europe described an engineers' conference he attended at one of the international airports in Paris. He flew in from several countries away and arrived half an hour before the conference began. From the windows of the meeting room, large Boeing jets could be seen landing and taking off every couple of minutes. After the conference, he was able to catch a flight back to his own capital city (there were departures to that country every half hour), and arrive there in time for lunch. That's speed and mobility. Could it also be stress?

If you are like me, you might know of people, usually women, who go out to the shops every day. Sometimes they say they go because they are bored at home. One says that shopping is her hobby. The point is that society has changed its perception of what is an acceptable level of mobility and social interaction. It is therefore easy to get swept along into conforming to what the world now calls normal. Today, normal is going out nearly every day. Today, normal is mixing a lot with the world. But what did `normal' used to be?

Remember the "Little House on the Prairie" books? The author, Laura Ingalls Wilder, wrote of her own childhood, growing up in the American countryside in the latter part of the nineteenth century. Visits and social occasions were very treasured memories, simply because they were rare. Life revolved around the home, and the family was closely bonded by love as they did the work of the home together. To `go out' meant either to go somewhere close enough to walk, or else it was a whole family affair with Pa hitching up the horse and wagon. Even in the cities, in those days, though a mother might be tempted to while away time at a neighbour's, there were no fast-food outlets to excuse her from cooking the evening meal. So, in days gone by, when there were fewer of our modern social evils (such as drugs and pornography), there was also much less daily social interaction outside the sanctuary of the home. I wonder if there's a connection?

Do Our Children Need Many Activities?

We've looked at how a full out-of-home schedule can cause a homeschooling mother to lose the focus of her Biblical role, and add to her stress. Some may argue,

however, that educationally, we should have a goal of giving our children as broad a range of experiences as possible. They may say that by doing so we will stimulate their interests, and they will be more likely to find out the things they are good at and enjoy.

There is no doubt that your children, in general, will be the last to complain about all the activities you are offering them. But if we are homeschooling because God wants us to, we should consider His agenda before our children's enjoyment. Now there may be nothing wrong with the activities or sports you have involved your children in. As the Bible says, "all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not."(1 Corinthians 10:23). But it is possible that too many activities may undermine the spiritual values we are trying so hard to teach.

Let me give some examples. First of all, being transported around a lot for his enrichment can give the child a `me-first' attitude. He could easily get the idea that his tennis game is more important than your housework, or the baby's nap.

Second, while at any activity, the environment and the people there are exerting an influence on your child. Is there background music you would not usually listen to? Are all the people there Christians? You may not even be able to be close enough to your child during the activity to know what, or who, is having an undesirable effect on him.

Third, you might be starting him on a course which could eclipse his desire for the work of the Lord. Here in Australia, as in many western nations, worship of sport is a national religion. Are you conforming to the world in this area? Are you, by your actions, unwittingly saying to your child that his recreation is more important than concern for the lost, that his money should buy a new hockey stick rather than Bibles for poor believers in other countries? Have we got recreation and spiritual things in a right balance? "For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come."(1 Timothy 4:8)

Anyone can see that sports these days are not played for innocent fun anymore, they are played with a win-at-all-costs, aggressive attitude. This is not to say that our children should not be involved in any sports, but that we should be extra careful of our emphasis. We surely do not want to emphasize to our children that they should be consumed with gratifying the flesh, or with pleasure-seeking instead of seeking things of eternal value. We must look ahead, and see what a particular sport or activity leads to, so as not to frustrate our children. For example, are the competitors expected to wear clothing that you would normally think of as immodest? Bowling is a dignified and gentle game, but it is played in an environment where alcoholic drinks are served. This is also true of darts and billiards. Biblically, the games are "lawful" for us to play, but for our children's sake, let us use wisdom. To the child who excels at a sport comes the greatest temptation. It is up to us to communicate the right balance to our children, otherwise we may be endangering their

souls.

Another common, but ignored effect of `overscheduling' our children's lives with activities, is that they become excessively tired. I quote here from the secular book, `The 7 O'clock Bedtime' by Inda Schaenen:

"A child bustled along from place to place without regard for a predictable routine and reasonable bedtime is not living her own life (even if she's begging for the entertainment and activity); she is being dragged through life as if she were tied to the back of a freight train. Most likely the freight is not even her own; it belongs to the adults in her life who are pursuing an agenda of their own . . . This constant hurry, this rushing headlong through life from activity to activity, ending with a period of numbing attention to the television set or to the so-called educational computer game, results in poor sleep. The poor sleep causes the daytime problems, and the cycle is kept in motion."

In the case of homeschoolers, the adults' "agenda" this author is referring to may be the compulsion to have your child outshine all others, thereby `justifying' the choice to homeschool. In light of this, honestly evaluate your motives in enrolling your children in too many activities, and confess the sin of pride to the Lord Jesus if this is true of you.