I wake up with my puffy eyes. I groaning in discontentment as i remember what just happen to me and tiffany last night. Am i act too rude? Too immature? Did i hurt her? Stupid, kim! Of course you hurt her. She’s on the verge of crying when you hung up the phone. But i also cried a bucket of tears last night! So we’re the same. I debated with my own voice in my head. My thought got interrupted when i heard my mom’s voice from outside my door.
“taeyeon-ah.. have you wake up? c’mon sunny is already here. Don’t make her wait for you for too long, aigooo..” my mom said. With that i hurriedly running to my bathroom, and take my bath.
(On our way to school)
“tae.. you’re okay? You look tired, and your eyes are so puffy. Omo! Are you crying last night? What happen to you?” said sunny worriedly. I’m so thankful for having her and the others as my friend. they are always care for me, love me, and accept me for who i am, even though i can be so moody and annoying sometimes.
“ani, i’m fine. Just got lack of sleep. Got my insomnia back.” I said while smiling a little to reassuring her.
“oh, really tae?” she asked me again, guess she’s smart enough not to buy my lie so easily.
“yes, really. I’m fine sunkyu-yah. Don’t worry.” I said while showing her my dorky smile. Hope she will believe me this time.
“okay then. You know i always here for you, if you need someone to talk to, right tae?” being a smart and sensitive girl she is, i know she won’t buy my lie easily. But i’m thankful that she didn’t push me any further. I just nodded my head in return to answer her.
Once i arrive in my class, i didn’t see tiffany in the class. I let out a sigh in relieved. Because i still don’t know how to face her later. Suddenly an idea pop up in my mind.
“minho-ah, can you please change your seat with me?” i asked him
“eh? Change seat?” he asked confusedly
“yeah.. just for today. I want to sit with baekhyun. And you can sit on my place. Please? Just for today.” I asked him and pleaded with my puppy (dork) eyes, hoping it will works on him.
“and why is the reason you want to change your seat with me?” minho asked again. aish, this boy!
“no specific reason needed for changing our seat right? Just for a day, minho-ah. Pleaseeeeeee..” now i’m literally begging on him. geez, i never begging like this in my life before. Thanks to that hwang for making the impossible become possible.
“haish, sometimes you can be so weird and mysterious, taeyeon-ah. Fine fine! Just for today, okay?” he finally gave up.
“yeah, just for today.” At least i need to avoiding her for now, for today. As for tomorrow, i’ll think about that again later. First thing first. I thought to myself.
Around 10 minutes later, i see tiffany walks inside the class with her puffy eyes too. See? I’ve told ya kim! You made her cry! Said the voice in my head, scolding me. and in my defence, i also cry a lot. Can’t you see? I talk back to myself. It’s weird right? For talking and debating with your ownself like that. i know i know..
I try to ignoring her sad look. She looks confused about why i moved from my seat. But i try to ignoring her. Honestly, I’m not mad at her anymore, but i just don’t know how to face her. And
i'm still hurting too. So that’s why i do this. Instead of confronting her, i decide just to avoiding her. I know, sometimes i can a be a real coward. And i hate myself too for being a coward like that.
The school bell ringing, and i immediately rushing out the class without even take a look on her. She must be feel so sad and confused because of me.
Tiffany’s POV
What happen to taeyeon? why she’s acting like this to me? seems like it’s not hurtful enough for her to treat me rudely last night by hung up the phone when we’re still in the middle of our serious conversation. Now she’s changing her seat with minho? What happen actually? I want to ask her, i want her to look at me again, and talk to me. my heart aching when she’s treating me coldy like this. But once the school bell ringing, she just rushing out from the class and gone without even spare a glace at me. i feel like crying right now. The tears are start to forming in the corner of my eyes, threaten to be fall down anytime.
I walk weakly alone by myself. I don’t know where should i go. Should i go the cafeteria, and meet up with my girls there. Or should i looking for taeyeon? or should i just locked myself inside the classroom and cry my heart out there? I decide to go to the school rooftop. I need some fresh air to clear my mind.
Once i arrived there, i heard a very beautiful voice singing. This voice seems familiar in my ears, but for some reasons, the song that she sings, sounds so heartbreaking and sad. It makes me want to cry even more. so i did.
Nothing Left – K.will
Geuman saranghaedo doelkkayo?
Naega neomu himideunikka
Because it’s too difficult for me
Eokjjirorado useuryeohaedo ijen geureol gyeoreul jocha eobtneyo
Even if it’s not the right time to do it, i still force a smile on my face Eotteohke yaegireul kkeonaelji?
How should i bring this to you?
Eodibuteo sijakeul halji?
Where do shall i start?
Naega neomu jichingeorago yaegihamyeon ihaehalreonji?
Will you able to understand if i tell you that this relationship exhausts me too much?
Jeongmal mianhadago myeot cheon beoneul yaegihamyeon doelleonji?
When i tell you this, i can’t stop telling you how sorry i am Naega meonjeo saranghaetneunde
I was the one who loved you first
Ireohke tteonado doeneunji?
Should i also be the one who leave you first?
Once i finish singing the song, i realize that i was crying. I open my eyes, and i can feel the wetness on my cheeks. I immediately wipe it away with my hands, and inhales and exhales loudly to calm down my aching heart. When i turn my back, my eyes widened in surprise. i see her standing right behind me. she’s also crying. Seeing her in that state make me hurting too. Instinctively i walk closer to her and wrap her protectively in my embrace. I even forget that i supposed to avoiding her, not confronted her like this.
“hey..” i speak softly to her
“it’s good that finally you know how to greet me again.” she said weakly in the middle of her cry. Understanding what she means, i just hug her even tighter.
“i’m sorry, fany-ah.”
“i hate you, kim taeyeon! i hate you! i hate you!” she said while keep punching my back. I just let her to do it as she wants. I deserved this. I have make her cry. Even though she also made me cry. But i can’t lie to myself, that seeing her cry like that, and knowing i am the reason behind her tears, really killing me.
“i hate you, kim taeyeon. i hate you. i really do.” She keeps repeating on that words to me while i just keep hugging her in silence.
“....but i love you, tae. I love you. what should i do?” now i’m froze on my place. I don’t even dare to breathe. What did she just said? She love me? as in love for a friend, a sister or more than that? i want to ask her, but i’m afraid.
“taeyeon..” she called me so ever sweetly, and broke the hug. She holds my hands and look at my eyes intensely.
“you heard what i’m saying right?” she asked
“uh.. which part?” i try to play dumb. I need to make sure that she really meant what she just said or else my already broken heart will wrecked even more.
“you heard me tae.” She said cutely
“y-yeah.. i maybe heard it. But i just want to make sure.” She smiled at me before she lean in closer to me, and give me a quick peck on my right cheek.
“i love you, kim taeyeon. i know it sounds crazy and so wronged, but that’s the truth. I finally realizing my real feeling towards you when i heard you singing. Your song convey everything, taeyeon-ah. And we know each other too well to be fooled by each other. i know you sing that song for me, right? did i hurt you so bad? I’m sorry if i did. Seeing you cry while singing like that really broke my heart into pieces, taeyeon-ah. And understanding what do you mean in that song, really scare me. i’m so scared. it’s like a wake up call for me. i don’t want you to leave me. i don’t want you to give up on me. get ignored by you like today is really hurting me. please don’t ever do that again to me. please..” she’s pleading. And she left me in awe. Suddenly i lost my ability to speak, and also to think straight. What should i do? What should i say? Suddenly i remember about something, or someone to be exact.
“but, how about your boyfriend? How about nickhun oppa? you love him, don’t you?” i daringly asked
“i.i..” she got stucked with her own words. I’m so done with this. How could she confessing to me while she’s still unsure about her own feeling. Did she think i’m a toy for her or something? With that thought i start to take few steps back from her, and ready to walk away, leaving her behind.
After few steps i take, i feel a pair of arms hugging me tightly from behind. Again, she makes me froze in my place.
“taeyeon, please don’t go. Don’t leave me. don’t hate me.” she’s pleading while crying hardly. I don’t have a heart to push her away from me. because i also secretly enjoying her warm around me.
“fany-ah.. it’s okay. I’ll stay by yourside as your friend. and you’ll stay by his side, and be his girlfriend.” Even though it’s breaking my already broken heart again and again, i need to be
strong, for me and also for her. And i can’t be selfish too. She met him first. She knew him first. She loved him first.
“b-but.. i.. i don’t want to be just friend with you, tae. I hate seeing you hugging jessica, holding sunny’s hand, talking while laughing happily with baekhyun. I hate seeing you being attentive to anyone else, but me. i know i’m selfish, but i just can’t let you go, taeyeon-ah. Please..” now she’s not just pleading, but begging. What can i do? She still back hugging me so ever tightly. I can’t run away from her now. I let out a heavy sigh as i turn my body to face her. I cupped her face on my hands, and wipe away her tears with my thumbs.
“fany-ah.. if it can make you feel better, you need to know that i also feel the same way as yours. I also love you, fany-ah. So much. i love you ‘till it hurts. But i don’t think we can be together. Not only because we’re both are girls, but also because you already has a boyfriend. Don’t you think it will be unfair for me and him? hm?” i speak to her softly while i keep caressing her cheeks softly. She closed her eyes and enjoying my touch on her. Once i finish on my words, she slowly open her still teary eyes and look at me sincerely. I can see love and care in her eyes. But most importantly, i can see my own reflection in her eyes. Just like how she can hers in mine. We love each other, but all of this circumstances just prevent us to be together.
“tae.. if i ask you to wait for me, will you do that? if i ask you to give me some time to figure everything out, will you give it to me?” she asked softly
“what do you mean, fany-ah?” i asked her back
“i will try to figure out my feelings. i know that i love you, but i also love him. i know i’m selfish, and didn’t deserve a good person like you to wait for me, but all i can do is ask you to do that for me tae. When i said that i love you, please believe it. Because i really meant it. I really do love you, tae. I never feel this kind of feeling to any girl before. But with you, it’s different. At first it scares the hell out of me. i think i’m not normal so that’s why i keep denying it. But as time passed, the more i deny it, the more my feeling towards you will get stronger. So please, tae.. if you mind, please give me some more time to solve everything out. Will you, tae?”
“okay, fany-ah. I will try to bear with it. I will give you some time that you need. I will wait for you.” hearing my answer, she launch herself at me and hugs me tight. She’s smiling right now, i can feel it. She’s smiling with both of her lips and her eyes. Once we broke the hug, she kissed me again on my right cheek. But this time it’s not just a quick peck. But instead, it’s a long lingering kiss. I enjoy the warmness and softness of her lips on my skin. Well now i just hope that i made a right decision.
It's been a week since tiffany and i confessed to each other about our true feeling. Our status is still unclear. We're not lovers, but we're more than just a friend. Actually i don't really care with what should we labelled ourselves. As long as we still love and care about each other like this. But what bother me is the fact that she's still officially nickhun's girlfriend. I try to bear all of this pain, because i remember i have promised to tiffany that i will give her some times to figured everything out.
As about the relationship between tiffany and i, there's not so much different from before. I mean, we're already all sweet and caring toward each other even before we confessed our feelings to each other. One of the significant thing that changed is tiffany possessiveness toward me. She can be so easily jealous with anyone who is close with me. Boys, girls, young, old, to make it short, EVERYONE. Sometimes it's really drive me crazy but i try to understanding her protectiveness. It simply means she loves me way too much. So i should be happy with it. Right? Right...
"Wife, you do realize that we need to submit our economic group assignment by tomorrow right?" Tiffany who's sitting beside me suddenly speaks.
"What?? Omg i forget about that.." i honestly tell her
"Aigoo my dork. What should we do now?" She asked
"Mine mine! Your home is too far, love." She's pouting cutely. I can't resist her pout, if she keep pouting like that, i don't know whether i can restrain myself anymore or not. So i immediately gave in and grant her wish before i really lost control.
"Fine then, your home." She flashes her eyesmile to me as the way to say thank you to me. I just glady smiling back at her. She really know how to tamed me. You're so whipped, kim. I talk to myself.
"Aaaarrggghh... i'm so tired, taetae." Tiffany start to whining after 3 hours doing this group assignment. Luckily we almost finish it.
"I'll go to the bathroom for awhile." She said to me.
"Geurae.. hwajangsil ka.." (yes, just go..) i said to her as my eyes keep focusing on the laptop screen and my fingers keep 'dancing' on it. Suddenly i heard tiffany's phone ringing. I take a look at it. The screen shows the caller id. "Nie <3"
Suddenly i stop abruptly on whatever i'm doing right now and anger starts to building inside of me. I let her phone keep ringing until it finally stops. Shortly after that, tiffany comes back from the bathroom. I continue to typing on the laptop as i speak,
"Your beloved nie just called you. Go call him back." I speak coldly with no emotion in it. You know what, i'm good at hiding my true feeling.
"Tae.." she called me. But i decide to ignore her.
"Taetae.. hey.. look at me please?" Hearing her pleading voice, i starts to put my guard down and decide to look at her.
"Are you jealous?" Seriously hwang, do you need an answer for that? Guess she understand what i'm trying to say with my silence.
"Sorry.. i won't call him back. If you want, i'll turn my phone off so he can't disturb us." She said while her hands softly caressing my hands.
"Fany-ah.. please be honest with me. Do you love him?"
"I..i.."
"Just tell me honestly fany-ah. don't lie to me because you know how much i hate a liar." I'm demanding sternly
"I love him tae, and i care for him. He is a good man, he loves me so much. That's why i can't hurt him."
"Fine then. You have your answer. I'll make everything easier for you. I'll walk out from this, tiff. I'll let you go." I finally said and start to gathering my things, get ready to leave. I need to go immediately before i finally break down and crying in front of her. I don't want her to see me in my weak state. I don't want her or anyone to pity me.
"Tae! I haven't finish yet!" She yelled and grab one of my hand tightly, prevent me from going any further.
"What tiff? It's clear enough for me. It's painful enough for me! Can't you understand that?!" I scream at her desperately
"But please, listen to me first, tae. Please.. i beg you.." she starts to sobbing now. And as always, i don't have a heart to hurt her, so i stay.
"Now speak. Fast." I demand coldly
"I love nichkhun because he is a good man, he loves and care about me so much. He always take care of me, protecting me.." i know tiff, i know how good and kind and amazing he is. No need to add more salt to my wound. I speak inside of me.
"I thought i love him. But not until you came, tae. When i'm with you, i can feel those butterflies are flying inside of my stomach. I can feel that small ticklish electric shock around my body
whenever we touched. You can make me laugh and cry so easily. You can change my worst day become my best day. But at the same time you can also change my best day become my worst