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The next step in healing will be to speak face-to-face to the important people in your life in a way that eases tension and allows for growth.

These conversations are likely to bring up some anxiety in you. But you don’t have to dodge those feelings, right? That nervous feeling is perfectly normal. It’s a genuine, natural response to the fact that this relationship is important to you. Here are some brief suggestions to help you move through your anxious feelings with ease:

• Stay away from caffeine. Caffeine only increases anxiety levels and can give you that rest- less, jittery feeling instead of a sense of calm and peace.

• Get some exercise beforehand. This will help to burn off some cortisol (the stress hormone in your brain) and help you reach a centered place.

• Breathe! In chapter 4 you learned how to breathe in a way that is soothing and restorative. Check your breathing: make sure it is coming from your belly, slow and low.

• Practice your mindfulness exercises. Chapters 4 and 8 are full of wonderful activities that can bring you peace. Most exercises only take about five minutes. Use the skills you have learned so far; they are perfect for helping you as you begin to heal your relationships. • This one takes guts but yields the best results: reflect honestly about how you feel. Tell the

other person that you are nervous and explain why. Chances are it’s because you want things to go well, are afraid of saying the wrong thing somehow, or are afraid of messing up. Maybe you are afraid of hurting the person or of being judged.

• Make sure the person knows it isn’t her fault that you are nervous; that has nothing to do with it. She isn’t doing anything wrong. Even if this person has judged you in the past or has been nasty or aggressive, that still doesn’t mean she is responsible for your feelings. Trying to suggest that she is will only backfire. Remember your “I” statements? Own the way you are feeling. Share that you are nervous for a very good reason: when it comes down to it, it’s simply because this conversation means a lot to you.

Exercise 9.7 Healing Conversation Format

Now that you know how to deal with the anxiety that comes along with these discussions, the last question is: how? How do you talk to the people you care about, who may be hurt and angry about your addiction and things you have done?

This is your chance to open the space between you and the other person. You are letting him share with you how he has felt. He may express a lot of anger; that is healthy and normal, but it’s also up to you to figure out if your boundaries have been crossed. No matter what you have done, you do not deserve to be verbally abused. You may need to calmly assert your boundaries and ask the person to express himself in a nicer way. You may even need to excuse yourself from the situation if it’s making you too uncomfortable.

Use this guide to find key phrases you can use during your conversation.

Examples of Places to Have Your Conversation

A park

A peaceful place by water

In your home (if you can be alone)

In the other person’s home (if you can be alone) A restaurant (if it’s quiet and private enough to talk) A coffee shop (if it’s quiet and private enough to talk)

Examples of Conversation Starters

“I wanted us to meet today because I know there’s a lot we need to talk about.”

“I want you to have a chance to share with me how you have been feeling; I am here to listen.” “Let’s take all the time you need to talk to me about how my actions have made you feel. I am here and I am listening.”

“I want to understand what things have been like for you. Please take all the time you need to tell me.” “I asked to meet for this conversation because I know there’s a lot we have to work out between us. I am here to listen, and I want to know how you feel.”

“I want to make things right. This conversation is just a first step, so that I can understand more about where you are coming from.”

Examples of Supportive Feedback

“I can see that this has been hard for you.” “I can understand why you feel that way.” “Thank you for sharing that with me.” “Tell me more; I am listening.” “How else did it make you feel?” “What was that like for you?”

“Thank you for sticking with me through that.” “I can see how much you have been struggling.”

“I appreciate that you are willing to talk with me about this.” “It makes sense that you thought or felt that.”

“Thank you for your honesty.”

Examples of Boundary- Setting Phrases

“I want to be able to really hear what you are saying, but that gets hard when you raise your voice, call me names, or threaten me.”

“If we are going to keep talking today, we should probably slow down and breathe a little.” “Things are getting intense right now; let’s take a five- minute break and come back.”

“I know that you are very angry with me, and you have every right to be, but we still need to talk to each other respectfully or we aren’t going to get anywhere.”

“I would like us to keep talking, but I want it to be productive. What can we do to calm things down a little so we can really hear each other?”

Examples of Phrases for Exiting the Situation If Necessary

“I am glad we got a chance to meet, but I think things are getting too out of control today and we need to stop.”

“I respect how you feel, but the way you are talking is too hurtful and I need to leave.”

“I know I have made mistakes, but I still deserve to be treated with respect. Let’s try this conversation another time when we are calmer.”

Examples of Healthy Endings to the Conversation

“Thanks so much for meeting with me today. It meant a lot to me.”

“I know this is just a beginning, and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

“I am really grateful that you were willing to tell me how you feel. It wasn’t always easy to hear, but I am willing to work on the things you brought up.”

“I hope you feel okay about how this went. Is there anything you would want to do differently the next time we talk?”

“Thank you for helping me to understand what things have been like for you. I will continue to listen, and I hope we can talk again.”

Healing Conversation Action Plan

Now use this Healing Conversation Action Plan to make a solid plan for your conversation. It would be wise to copy this worksheet or use your journal to do this exercise with many important people in your life.

Name of friend or family member:

Place to have the conversation:

Conversation starter to use:

Supportive feedback to use:

Boundary- setting phrases to use:

Phrases to exit the situation if necessary: