These narratives drew on wider cultural narratives in terms of intimacy including notions of social change linked to increased gender equality and democratic
relationships (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 1995; Giddens, 1992), the increase in choice and fluidity alongside risk (Bauman, 2003; Beck, 1992; Giddens, 1992) and that of the decline of ‘traditional family values’ (Evans, 1993). Especially pertinent to participants’ experiences were notions of the changing status of women, with questions around how far women experience or perceive greater equality in relationships. Their narratives suggested continued inequalities for women in relationships (Jamieson, 1998; Smart, 2007). Simultaneously, and more noticeably with younger participants, it was
recognized that in some cases gender roles are less fixed and more fluid,
complimenting research findings of Hockey, Meah and Robinson (2010). It was inferred that there is more possibility for negotiation or mutual disclosure in heterosexual
relationships than in previous generations (Giddens, 1992; Jamieson, 1998). However, the overall picture provided here falls short of the democratic intimate relationships
128 envisioned in the ‘transformation of intimacy’ thesis. This section draws on participants’ reflections on their narratives, alongside responses to semi-structured interview
questions about intimacy and generational differences.
For Karen, continued gendered inequalities were manifested in ongoing expectations of rigid gender roles, with the male as ‘provider’ and female as ‘domestic caretaker’ which previously comprised mandates for intimate lives (Lewis, 2001). This caused disputes between her and her ex-husband and so their divorce was emancipatory for her as it meant she now had the freedom to work. She described how she resisted normative, traditional expectations about gendered roles in relationships with limited success in persuading her husband to take some responsibility for childcare. Subsequent
experiences of dating taught her that these sorts of attitudes were common. While the men she had met were keen on having children, they did not expect to take on the responsibility of caring for them or - in other words - were more interested in ‘having’ a family in terms of possession than ‘doing’ family:
‘My ex-husband, he always thought I should be at home, he goes out to be the provider, he thought it should always be like that and over the years we argued – for a good 10 years – and I said, ‘I like working, I was working when you met me so…’ he would reluctantly take the boys out in his lorry for the day when he knew it would be safe so I could go to work, he would still kick up about it and make it hard for me to want to go to work so as soon as we got divorced, that was it for me, I was straight out the door working and working really hard and I love the independence, I think it’s great but there’s still a lot of men out there who don’t want to see women working. I’ve talked to quite a few and found they’re only interested in having children.’
Jacquie voiced the perspective of many participants when she stressed that even though there is currently an expectation that women should work, they are still expected to take sole responsibility for domesticity and caring (Lewis, 2001). She indicated that it is possible to find a relationship where men are prepared to take on some domestic and caring responsibilities although this was not within her personal experience. There was an underlying suggestion that because of the general expectation that women will manage multiple roles, maintaining their primary responsibilities for domesticity, emotional labour and child-care even when in paid work (Hochschild, 1997), there is a lack of sympathy for single mothers as they are simply performing the roles all women are expected to fulfil:
129
‘I think it’s probably women are more resentful because the fact is now they’re probably working as hard as their partner, as hard as the man and yet still expected to do the same amount – I think that generates a bit of resentment… the female is still likely to be doing the cooking, the washing, the ironing, the cleaning and everything else that needs to be done… but then it depends on the relationship, doesn’t it because then you may have a man who’s more willing to take on more roles than he used to – I mean I’m talking as an outsider here… the expectation is that you’ll just get on and deal with this – deal with work and school and the house and do it yourself.’
Continued inequalities were evident from depictions of previous relationships - some participants described how they felt like single mothers while still in relationships due to unequal caring responsibilities. Fathers’ lack of support for parenting was another source of (often unexpected) disappointment. This suggests that while they grew up in a culture where equality was advocated and they were expected to develop careers, there was not a similar expectation that men would play a stronger role in parenting (Fineman, 2004; Jamieson, 1998; Lewis, 2001). Jamieson (1998) astutely observes that it is continued inequality in practise and the rigidity of gendered roles which creates tension and destabilises relationships - this was borne out in participants’ narratives. An example came from Anna who noticed little difference in terms of parental responsibility when she became a single mother, observing that her children’s father had the freedom to choose which aspects of parenting to get involved with as opposed to taking full responsibility for their care:
‘I think I felt a lot like a lone parent even when I was in that relationship because I had all the responsibility and he wasn’t particularly hands on and so there was a sense in which um I felt that I was... that I had the responsibility for the
children. So in that sense I felt sometimes that I was a lone parent anyway even we he was around and then when he left… he used to visit and would take the kids out occasionally so I suppose my sense of responsibility didn’t change because I still felt I had the same degree of responsibility except some of the things I used to share with him I could no longer share and I made most of the decisions but sort of... the physical caring for them, he did what he had to do, the bare minimum, so when he left that side of things, I had to be the one who had to put them, well at least the younger one to bed every night – the physical side of it always fell to me um and he dipped in and out of the fun things.’
130 This was echoed by Susan who stressed how, even though her husband was from a more child friendly culture, indicating that he was good with children prior to becoming a father, he was unwilling to play an active role in the care of his child. She highlighted that on the birth of their child, she realized her whole life would change and the child’s needs would come first but there was not an equivalent transformation in her husband who not only continued as before but expected his needs to take precedence. These examples are indicative of deep rooted gendered expectations regarding parenting, clashing with more egalitarian expectations of these women of this generation. The gap between Susan’s expectations of equality and the reality of her experience conveys her disappointment. The anticipated experience of being in a family unit - which to her involved sharing parental responsibilities - did not come to fruition, a far cry from democratic relationships involving mutual disclosure and negotiation:
‘I think I became a single parent as soon as she was born actually. I don’t think her dad ever really engaged with the idea of parenthood – which surprised me. He’s from a background and culture where children are much more accepted. We worked in an environment where we had families coming to stay and he was absolutely fantastic with children so I really expected him to be a great dad and he really wasn’t. It’s almost as if... I realised my life would never be the same from the moment she was born and understood that it was going to be a long time before I could put myself first with anything and that my main role was to meet her needs. He seemed to think that his life could just carry on like before and that he could fit in being a father around his job and everything else so yeah, I just found that all of the childrearing fell to me and then he then started to complain that he wasn’t getting enough attention and so I said to him, ‘you know, if you shared some of this then maybe I’d have a bit more time to give you’ although I don’t think an adult should be complaining about not getting attention. It was always me who was feeding her, getting her up and dressed, planning things for her to do in the day and he wasn’t part of the family.’