sometimes plain old silliness. Whether it is the journey or the end, the ex-perience has to be unusual, unpredictable, challenging, and pleasurable.
As long as the other person feels the experience is unusual, unexpected, unpredictable, challenging, and pleasurable in some way, he or she will see it as valuable. The catch is that you have to be genuinely interesting, trustworthy, and believable. Every lingering look, every expression, every body move you make should make him or her wonder what makes you tick and what’s going on in your “sexy” head. You also must have a sense of humour, subtlety, and depth of feeling. That way you are not just throwing in cheap tricks or memorized scripts like most players often do.
They say “time flies when you’re having fun,” so don’t hurry, explore and maximize the use of the moment—no matter how fleeting . . .
The real art of seduction is not about saying and doing the “right” thing in the right place, but rather leaving something unsaid or undone at the most tempting moment. Don’t give everything away at once; hold something back. Feed it to him or her slowly. Use words that have a wider range of possible meanings, dwell on them, and allow fresh meanings to emerge in the process. The point is to sustain a concentrated tension that keeps him or her on edge as you move toward the “climax” or resolution. Even something as simple as the answer to the question “What is your name?”
can become creatively dramatic if, instead of blurting out your name, you say something like, “If I tell you my name, will you marry me?,” or
“Promise I will not regret this?” or “What would you like it to be?”
Probe emotions, experiment a bit with gestures and involve all of his/her senses by describing physical feelings and emotions, sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and texture. But keep in mind that different people have varying levels of tolerance for suspense and the unpredictable. There are people with an adventurous temperament who wake up each day excited by what the unknown will bring them. They enjoy a certain amount of uncer-tainty and find inspiration and delight in pretty much everywhere and in everything. And then there are those who would rather wake up, call up the psychic network, and call it a day. They just don’t like to be kept in perpetual expectation and will get nervous, frustrated, and even annoyed.
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The surprise element or “shock” effect is a plus as long as the surprise element promotes pleasurable anticipation rather than uneasiness . . .
The goal of cultivated anticipation is to bring a dramatic element into the interaction. The “shock” effect acts to stimulate pleasurable anticipation which can be enjoyed in and of itself and can act as a ticket to a pleasant emotional roller coaster ride.
This is one of my favourite approaches to creating a “shock effect.” Once the person has given you the go ahead to approach him or her and you’ve established that there is some chemistry there, out of nowhere, say some-thing like, “I am going to seduce you.” Your reaction is probably, “Why should I tell someone I am going to seduce him or her? It doesn’t make sense.” My point exactly, it doesn’t make rational sense, it is unusual, and will leave him or her open-mouthed (metaphorically) with disbelief.
Telling someone you are going to seduce him or her is in incongruous to what the person would normally expect. It arouses that person’s imagina-tion, excites his or her curiosity, and holds the mind in languishing sus-pense. Poised between the yet unrealized pleasure and a fait accompli, the mind will want to know “What does this mean?” “How will this be ac-complished?” “What is his or her next move?” “How will I feel?” “Will I enjoy it?” and “Will he or she be successful in seducing me?”
The mind starts processing any information it receives more intently and meaningfully in an attempt to elicit clues and make “sense” of things. Or-dinary things begin to look, sound, smell, and feel different, and some-times even better than before. The “better than before” depends on the existing level of chemistry between two people. What is great about this is that the person feels like they’re part of the whole unfolding process of seduction and are happy to be let in on the game.
And just because they know they are being seduced doesn’t mean the ex-perience will no longer be fun. As long as the exex-perience keeps delivering on its promises and making new challenges and new experiences, then all the better. But the final seduction is all about you. You need to be confi-dent that you can deliver. You cannot be a successful seducer if you can’t deliver on it.
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Playfulness and teasing—if these can be separated—is one sure way of being intentionally very fascinating and even amusing . . .
I know, I know. Most people don’t like the idea of “teasing.” It’s uncom-fortable. Some people have a particularly negative view of teasing, focus-ing almost exclusively on its hurtful side—bullyfocus-ing, victimization, and sexual harassment. And I agree that when people who feel insecure and do not feel good about themselves tease anyone at all, their actions gener-ate anxiety, pain, and embarrassment and can cregener-ate isolation. Sometimes such people push the boundaries on to hurtfulness, plain rudeness, or sleaziness. Some others mistake sarcasm for playful teasing and often think they are being witty. They forget that wit is meant to amuse, not abuse.
On the other hand, if you’re overly sensitive and “touchy”, you will not be able to handle even a little playful teasing. And if you don’t have your self-image and insecurities in check, you are destined to keep attracting hurtful or spiteful people who do not feel good about themselves and who will cause feelings of anxiety, pain, and embarrassment and who will con-firm that you are victim. In fact, even playful teasing will almost certainly hurt you if you don’t have your inner game together.
When done in good nature and playfully, teasing can break the ice, in-crease pleasure in experimentation, inin-crease risk in trying new ideas, and ignite one little spark of attraction into a fire that is too much for him or her to ignore.
For example, let’s say you are at a party and you see a man or woman you’d really like to get to know, and he or she is showing interest. You could walk up to him or her and say, “Why do I have a feeling this is déjà vu?” Let’s say he or she asks, “What do you mean?” You could reply,
“You flirting with me like that.” He or she might then say, “You’re kid-ding, right?”
If you are caught up in the “teasing is bad” way of thinking, you might think, “This is going to backfire” and end up losing the crucial moment
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that could change your life forever. A more experienced teaser will pick up on the little spark of interest and create additional fascination and in-terest. For example, when he or she says “You’re kidding, right?” tell him or her, “No, I am not. It’s obvious that you’re flirting with me.” To which they might reply “No. I am not. What makes you think I am flirting with you?” To a guy you can say, “That thing you just did with your belt. That is totally flirting.” And to a woman can say, “That thing you just did with your hair. That is totally flirting.” The point I am trying to make is that when it seems obvious that you should start acting like a clingy bug or throw a toddler tantrum, that’s when you should lean back and act as if you have all the time in the world.
Tapping into that special “sexual tension” between the sexes can show him or her you know how to handle yourself with charm and confidence . . .
Let’s say you agreed to meet someone on a date, your very first date. Let’s assume you’re smart enough to start a conversation. You might start with,
“What do you do for a living?” He or she tells you what he or she does and then asks, “And what do you do?” Tell him or her you’ve just been fired from your job and you only agreed to go out on a date with him or her because you were hoping he or she’s rich and would be able to sup-port you. And let’s say he or she answers with “Well, I can supsup-port you, but you’re going to have to do all the housework.” Please don’t say some-thing like “Okay, I can do that”; and end the interesting build-up of emo-tions.
When a man or woman throws a word at you, grab it, transform it, make it into an interesting banter. Say “Sorry, I can’t. I am very traditional and believe that husbands/wives should do all the housework.” He or she might then ask, “And what do you do when I bring home the bread and do all the housework as well?” Say, “I haven’t really figured that out yet, and please stop nagging me. You are just like my ex.” At this point he or she might raise eyebrows as if to say “You’re unbelievable.” Feign disap-pointment and say, “You just screwed it all up for yourself, and now I am going to have to divorce you and take half of your money.” You might even add, “I hope you have a damn good lawyer.”
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The more you can show him or her that you are comfortable, playful, and know how to handle yourself, the easier it’s going to be for him or her to feel comfortable and relaxed and for the encounter, however brief, to be fun and memorable.
In just about every situation and opportunity, find ways to entertain, amuse, and fascinate the person you have your eyes on . . .
Here is another example. While waiting in a slow-moving long line you could say, “Time sure flies when you’re having fun.” Or, you might see the person in a store and he or she looks like they are trying to make up their mind about something they want to buy. You can walk up to him or her and say, “You really should change your mind. The other one may look/work better.” If you’re more confident in your skills and charm you can say, “It’s awful, how could you have bought that glitzy thing? Well, it certainly is colourful.”
Here is one of my favourites. Let’s say that you are about to kiss for the first time; if you’ve been waiting for this all evening, the temptation to cling onto his or her lips like a vacuum can be great—don’t. Just when you are about to kiss, gently push him or her away, shaking your head and saying, “You’re trouble, I can’t do this. I’d go completely nuts and want to kiss you every day and right now I am not sure I’ll even see you tomor-row.”
Remember this, when you playfully tease, make it completely obvious to the other person that you are teasing him or her, otherwise without the obvious playful attitude you will both miss the point. The ability to “play-fully tease” another person is contingent on a high level of self-confidence and natural spontaneity. Hesitation and clumsiness might interfere with the effect you are trying to create and the appeal you are trying to project might not shine through. On the other hand, cracking too many jokes and clowning around will turn off rather than turn someone on.
Tantalizing him or her with your “expert” knowledge of a subject, espe-cially if that subject has some sexual innuendo, can ease the way into more intimate matters . . .
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Sex is always at the background of any conversation between a man and a woman, even when we are not consciously thinking about it. The reason most people are not able to relax and enjoy this tantalizing subject is be-cause very, very few of us have resolved or reconciled the discords and confusions of our powerful instinctive sexual drives, urges, fantasies, de-sires, thoughts, and sensations. Of those who are insightful enough to per-ceive the mystical code of their sexuality, few are able to communicate, express, manifest, or self-disclose in healthy ways that bring happiness, joy, and fulfillment into all aspects of their mental, physical, sexual, emo-tional, and spiritual lives.
There is a saying, “If you poke it, you should own it.” Many of us avoid talking about anything sexual altogether because we don’t want to be per-ceived as being “obsessed” with sex. To the opposite sex we come across as boring, logically stalwart, and “sexually uptight.” A few who try to se-duce using sexual innuendo often come across as bubbly, over-promising and full-of-themselves. To the opposite sex this screams “insecure” or “in-experienced” sexual delusional.
Men and women who have mastered the refined use of sexual innuendo (and sometimes the skillful use of body language) to indirectly convey a message are mostly people who know what they’ve got and can actually deliver on the promise. They are interesting to the opposite sex because they have that most sought after trait—the ability to make others laugh while demonstrating meaning and value.
Sexual innuendo and teasing that barely hides the interest and affection beneath the surface plays a big part in driving sexual attraction . . .
Sexual innuendo can be an effective way of easing the way into an ex-change where you can find out about each other’s sexual attitudes, inter-ests, desires, dreams, and preferences, without causing embarrassment. It can also be away of testing the limits of a relationship, or rekindling pas-sion in relationship that is losing its spark.
In the name of good taste, be sure to adopt the “less is more” mentality;
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sentences, and comments that can be interpreted in two or more ways, an exaggerated tone of voice, elongated vowels, unusual facial expressions, a little laugh just before or after the “sexual innuendo,” all signal to the other person that you are just being playfully yourself and not trying to solicit for sex. Keep in mind that an innuendo is always enjoyable and de-lightful when the other person does not see it coming but is open and re-ceptive.
There is a fine and fleeting line between using “sexual innuendo” to en-tertain, amuse and fascinated someone and using it as harassment, sex solicitation, and plain lewdness . . .
Men and women respond differently to sexual innuendoes and sexual teasing. Women tend to get hurt, embarrassed, and often put off by men who are constantly talking about nothing but sex all the time. Men on the other hand, tend to become sexually aroused quicker than women when sexual innuendos are flowing thick and fast. Nonetheless, both men and women enjoy a little “sexual innuendo.” Women will tend to focus on male sexual habits, sexual over-readiness, and “excessive” desire, while men will focus on women’s physical characteristics, pretence that they are not sexually interested, and women’s innate ability to confuse men and get them really mixed-up.
As with everything else, this is not something you can learn by mastering a few scripted words. If you really want to master the use of sexual innu-endo (which you should because a little sexual innuinnu-endo keeps the fire burning), the first thing to do is to be at home with your sexual nature.
Your harmony with yourself enhances your instinctive ability to know how far you can go, what you can and cannot say at any given moment. If it’s done correctly, you walk away feeling better about yourself.
If things are interesting rather than boring and predictable, you’re half-way toward building attraction . . .
A lot of single men and women, even married couples, assume a date has to be “old fashioned”—you know, the dinner and movie thing. That was over in the early eighties. Do something really fun, hysterical, or wild,
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something out of the box like eat unusual dishes in unusual places; go to the gym together and get sweaty together; take your dogs for a stroll in the park (hmm, talk about puppy love); go roller-skating and fall over each other and roll in the snow—laugh; help him or her move (and who knows, soon it’ll be your turn to move in); go for a drive in the country, take turns driving, tease each other on your driving, stop at some unusual eatery and grab something to eat; etc. The point is, just do something un-usual and unpredictable, whatever that is. Make your time together so in-spiring that he or she will want to spend the rest of his or her life having the ride of a lifetime! Be someone who can co-create such a lifetime.
All relationships, no matter the genre, can benefit from little amounts of suspense, unpredictability, and intrigue. It doesn’t always have to be in the form “head games,” “sexual tension,” or “pull/push” dynamics. It can be much simpler, much less dramatic, yet still show the other person how creative, different, and interesting you can be.