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CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With Baggage
“Love is giving people the freedom to be the way they are, not trying to make them the way you want.” – Anonymous
Fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, emotional baggage—call it what you want, it comes in many different forms and causes a great amount of confusion and turmoil.
When a guy is going through a rough time emotionally (either because he lost his job, just got out of a difficult relationship, is struggling with depression, and so on) it can pose a huge threat to your emotional state.
You know he's having a hard time, and you understand that the reasons are valid, but how much of yourself do you sacrifice in order to help him get through it? He tells you he cares about you and that he wants to be with you, but he just "can't right now." So you wait. But how long are you supposed to wait? How do you know if he's ever going to get his act together? And what if he does finally get a handle on his issues and makes himself “whole” again… only to drop you for someone shiny and new?
DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB
When guys go through major life changes, they need time to regroup and sort out their new circumstances. Guys don't like to show up to a relationship unless they know they're on top of their game and feel like a “winner.”
When guys don't feel like they’re on top of their game, they want to hide away from the world and from their relationships. Losing a job
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can be absolutely crushing to a guy and it may make him feel like a worthless loser. Never underestimate the power of a man’s job to affect the rest of his life. There’s something deeply psychologically ingrained in men that causes them to feel utterly dejected when there are problems with their careers. One of the major ways that men gauge their own attractiveness is through their ability to affect the world in the way that they intend. Men live in the world of wins and losses, victories and defeats. So how do you deal when your man is grapping with a major defeat?
Keep the Coddling Under Control
The worst thing a woman can do in this sort of situation is try to comfort and coddle him with well-intentioned pep talks. This will just exacerbate the problem because the guy will think: "only a loser would need to be comforted."
The heart of the problem for the man is not that he “feels bad.”
The problem is that he believes he is losing in the game of life. Most men only want to be seen when they feel like winners. When a guy doesn’t feel like he’s “winning,” he will want to be alone or go through his own process to regroup and figure out how he can become the winner again.
This is difficult for most women to understand because when a woman is upset, the first thing she wants to do is talk about it with her friends or significant other. Men don’t operate that way. They don’t find clarity through bonding; they find it through retreating to their inner world.
Ever notice that when you're trying to solve some sort of problem and you sit and try to force a solution you don't get anywhere? Then when you take a step back and start doing something else, the
solution just comes to you? (This is probably why so many people get their best ideas in the shower). It's pretty much the same concept here; you can't force things to happen. Men are very
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oriented. If a man has an issue, he will try to find the resolution as swiftly as possible. Talking about things only drags this out
unnecessarily, at least in a man’s mind.
Instead of trying to fix him or his emotional state, give him the space to work his issues out on his own. If he does come to you, let him speak freely. He doesn't want you to comfort or help him; he just wants you to understand where he is coming from. Listen and
acknowledge. You can let him know that you're there for him and if he wants anything he can ask, but he will refuse regardless, so the main point is to just listen…if he comes to you. You can’t force him to open up. Asking him, “Why won’t you talk about it with me?” will only push him further away and cause him to feel more stressed.
Men don’t want to feel coddled or pitied for their loss. It’s a
sickening feeling for a guy to think that his girl is loving him because she has to, when deep down she is disappointed in him or thinks he’s a loser in the world (most guys will think that way even if that’s not what’s really going on).
How You Can Help
The best thing you can do is try to make him feel like a winner. Focus on everything you admire about him. Focus on his best qualities and the things that other people don't appreciate or notice about him. See him as the guy he wants to be seen as by others (even if he doesn't think he is that guy at the moment). Just make sure you come from a genuine place, not from a place of trying to cheer him up.
This is a process and things will only get better if he works on getting back on top of his game. If he feels like a winner when he's around you, he'll be way more likely to rise up and get his act together in order to keep you around.
It is an almost universal truth that when a guy is stressed about his career, his relationship will also become a source of stress. The main
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cause of that stress is that he’ll feel like he is not pulling his weight in the relationship. In a guy’s mind, his ultimate contribution to the
relationship is being the winner and the hero. Nothing stings a guy harder than feeling like a failure.
What can you do? Don’t add fuel to the fire and stress him out further. Even if you are being supportive, sometimes "support" can add stress if he thinks you feel like there's a relationship problem that needs to be solved. If you can give him space and focus on making your life as happy and fulfilling as possible, it will go a long way towards things improving down the line.
When he sees that you are not suffering or unhappy, it will
alleviate any pressure he feels as well as fears that he is letting you down, which will ultimately help him clear his mind and get back on his feet.
When He Loses His Job and Also Loses Interest In Sex…
Women are lead to believe that men always want sex, always. Every minute of every day, it’s all they want! So when a man isn’t interested in having sex, the woman panics and assumes it means he is no longer attracted to her and the relationship is doomed.
When a guy loses his job, he can’t help but feel like a loser. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t like the job all that much to begin with, or if he realizes that he didn’t deserve to lose his job and there was
nothing he could have done differently. In this situation, it is very likely he will start questioning his own general sense of potency (that is, his ability to have an impact in the world) and his own sense of
deservingness. As a result, he may feel like a worthless loser on the inside. As a worthless loser, he probably feels like he doesn’t deserve love, affection, a relationship, or sex from a good woman like you.
If this happens, try your best to just leave it alone and give him space. And do not try and bring this one up. If you ask him why he
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doesn’t want to sleep with you anymore he will see it as you pointing out another failure for him to add to his list and he will retreat further.
Countless studies have shown that emotional stress is a frequent cause of decreased testosterone levels in men. Questioning him about his lagging libido will only add to his stress level and
exacerbate the problem. Instead, try to make your time with him as stress-free as possible.
Remember, this has nothing to do with you, or how attractive you are. It’s all him and how he sees himself; it has nothing to do with how he sees you. Just remind yourself of this one over and over when your frustrations and insecurities start to boil over.
DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND
Rebound relationships have a really bad reputation even though their success or failure usually depends on the same factors as regular relationships.
There are situations where rebound relationships fail and
situations where they succeed. This isn’t based on luck of the draw;
it’s based on how you approach the relationship and how he deals with his breakup.
Let’s look at two cases of rebound relationships that demonstrate how these things can unfold:
Situation 1
Sarah started dating Greg a few weeks after he ended a six-year relationship. Things got off to a pretty smooth and effortless start.
They went out on fun and exciting dates, they spoke on the phone frequently, and they genuinely enjoyed spending time together. Sarah never suspected she was a rebound, and she had no reason to. Who takes a rebound out on fancy dates? Clearly, this was the real deal
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and they would be an official couple any minute now.
Greg, on the other hand, went into panic mode when they hit the two-month mark, knowing his grace period was almost over and he would soon have to, as they say, poop or get off the pot. They were definitely headed in the “official” direction and once he felt that pressure, he panicked and realized he wasn’t ready for another girlfriend, especially since he still wasn’t over his last one.
One night, out of the blue, Greg showed up at Sarah’s place and dumped her. The poor girl never saw it coming and had no idea what she could have done differently.
Sarah knew Greg was on the mend when they met so she let him set the pace for the relationship, which often meant they were seeing each other almost every night of the week. While Sarah was aware things were moving quickly, she assumed it was because Greg really cared about her and wanted to be with her.
Greg did care about Sarah, but what he really wanted and needed was time to heal. He wanted to date around and keep things light and casual. He didn’t mean to lead Sarah on by treating her like she was his girlfriend, he was just so used to being that way. He had been the
“boyfriend guy” for so long that he completely forgot how to be the
“single guy.”
Greg felt a familiar comfort with Sarah, but it wasn’t because he had developed profound feelings for her, it was because he missed having a girlfriend and was used to acting like a boyfriend. Being alone was scary and unfamiliar for him. Having Sarah around made it easy to slip back into his comfort zone instead of dealing with his hurt and pain.
Situation 2
Jessica met Mike two months after ending a four-year relationship.
Coincidentally, Mike had ended a two-year relationship at around the
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same time. Both of them had gone through pretty civilized breakups where they gained firm understandings of what they wanted in a significant other (brought on by being with people who they loved, but knew they couldn’t be with). Neither of them expected to be in new relationships anytime soon, so they casually started dating without any hopes, dreams, or expectations. Before they knew it, they started seriously dating and within a year they had moved in together.
The reason things were able to flourish is they didn’t bring residual baggage into the relationship. While they weren’t single for very long, they were each able to make peace with their respective breakups before getting back in the ring for another round.
Mike explained that his previous girlfriend helped him realize what he didn’t want, which made him better able to recognize what he did truly want when he found it in Jessica. He wasn’t filling a void or looking for a replacement. He found someone with all the qualities that he knew he wanted, and even though he didn’t get to live it up as a single guy for long, he didn’t care because he felt no amount of random hookups could ever compare to what he had with her.
Jessica was coming from the exact same place. To everyone’s surprise, this double rebound turned into a really happy, mutually fulfilling relationship.
The Rebound Rules
Now that we’ve seen how these situations can unfold, let’s examine two fundamental rules in making a rebound relationship work.
Rule #1: Give Him Time to Heal…On His Own
When a guy who just got out of a relationship immediately starts acting like your boyfriend, warning bells should go off. It’s not that he doesn’t care about you, but he may just be falling into familiar habits, or trying to keep himself distracted so he doesn’t have to deal with
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the residual pain from his last relationship. If he keeps lining up one date after the next, or acts overly affectionate and loving at the beginning, it’s on you to take a step back and slow down the pace.
There is a very real possibility that things can get more serious down the line, but it can’t happen right away. If he acts like your boyfriend from day one, chances are he just misses having a girlfriend. While it’s much more beneficial to the psyche to assume the reason he’s acting that way is because he likes you so much, it’s unlikely.
Unfortunately, when a man runs away from dealing with his emotions, his emotions will catch up to him and he’ll be forced to confront them. A man’s emotional state must be healed, not covered with a band-aid, before he can enter into a new relationship. It’s up to the guy to work out his issues; there’s no shortcut to this for him or for you.
If you dive right in when his wounds are still open and raw, you run several risks:
1. You risk being a distraction so he can avoid dealing with his emotions (which will eventually boil over). Instead of working things out in his mind and making peace with the breakup, he will retreat and avoid thinking about anything unpleasant (like his hurt and pain). This won’t change the fact that there are unresolved issues swirling around and they will continue to resurface no matter how hard he tries to push them aside. As long as you are in the
relationship with him, he will be able to distract himself from dealing with the things he really needs to be dealing with.
2. You risk him running back to his ex. When a guy hasn’t had a decent amount of time to work out his issues, it’s very likely that he will go back to the ex-girlfriend for one reason or another. The main reason is that while he has been distracting himself with a new
relationship, the unresolved stuff has been eating away at him. Since
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he can’t bring those issues up with you, he might reach out to the ex in hopes of getting some inner-resolution. And that’s a slippery
slope…
3. You risk turning into his scapegoat, quasi-therapist, or shoulder-to-cry-on. If a guy seems really broken up over his last relationship, it isn’t your job to nurse him back to health. The best thing to do is stand back (far back) and let him work it out on his own.
If you dive right in before he has had the chance to fully deal with his issues, he will either drop you suddenly and unexpectedly, or he will drag you along on a confusing roller-coaster of relationship drama.
Rule #2 Don’t Think of Yourself as a “Rebound”
Dating a man who just got out of a serious relationship can cause problems from the start if the girl enters into the situation worrying that she is just going to be his “rebound.” This is not a healthy mindset for obvious reasons and can cast a dark cloud over the relationship from the beginning.
In these cases, you may feel the need to protect yourself by being on constant red alert for any indication that he’s not over his ex, or that he’s just using you. In your state of paranoia, you may look to the guy for reassurance, even though you won’t really believe anything he tells you because even if you were just a rebound, and even if he was still in love with his ex, he wouldn’t admit it to your face. The more you try to get him to prove he cares, the more needy you will become and it’s all downhill from there.
It’s important to realize that the reason you need this assurance isn’t because he is fresh out of a relationship (that’s just a convenient scapegoat), it’s because there is a lack of trust in the relationship as well as deeply rooted insecurities within yourself. When you allow these fears to fester, it will only be a matter of time before they prove true and he ends things. You may feel validated because things turned out exactly the way you knew they would, but in reality, it was
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your own fears that most likely caused the relationship to implode.
A healthy way to approach this type of situation is to accept that he is getting out of a relationship and he may need time to heal (this
A healthy way to approach this type of situation is to accept that he is getting out of a relationship and he may need time to heal (this