COMPROBAR PAR103/105

Theory Versus Practise

Homeschooling can often bring about stress in the family if, for various reasons, there is insufficient support coming from the husband. In theory, you are a homeschooling couple, but in practise, often only one parent is actually doing the homeschooling, and this is usually the mother. When the whole burden of planning, implementing, teaching, supervising, guiding, marking and correcting schoolwork falls largely on the shoulders of the one who is also responsible for meals, housework and nurturing babies, the results can be overwhelming. How can this common source of stress be brought back into a workable balance?

The Society of Absentee Fathers

In these modern times, most fathers work away from home. They are simply not available during the day to be in the house, actively assisting with the homeschooling. While this may be lamentable, there are still ways the willing husband can ease his wife's workload, as well as looking at better long-term answers to this common problem. Before we examine possible solutions, however, lets have a look at the two main instances where practical help is lacking from the husband.

The Tolerant Husband

Let's imagine a family where the desire to homeschool has originated with the Christian wife. Her husband may be saved or unsaved. Without being convicted by God about the need to homeschool, the father has simply granted his wife her desire to teacher their children at home. Perhaps he sees this desire as just a whim of his wife's, and he remains passive and uninvolved. The father is never more than mildly interested and maintains the view that the homeschooling doesn't really concern him - he's out at work all day anyway. He is quite happy to permit his wife to teach at home so long as it doesn't cause him any personal inconvenience.

After a while, however, perhaps the wife starts to become overwhelmed by her extra role . The housework starts to slide, the expenditure on homeschooling resources and outings becomes a noticeable cost, and the man of the house finds he is coming home to a frazzled woman with no emotional energy left for him at the end of the day. The husband begins to think of calling a halt to the homeschooling - it's obvious his wife can't cope with this sort of thing, so better to put his children back in school where they belong.

What to do to remedy this situation? Should the wife give up homeschooling if her husband is merely tolerating it? Not necessarily, but if the problems described above are happening, the wife had better act quickly and wisely before her husband insists the

children go to a school. The wife should immediately humble herself before her husband, asking his forgiveness for her neglect of himself and his home. Then she should prayerfully prioritise, simplify and reduce her workload along the lines suggested within this book. The wife must also pray continually that God will place the call to homeschool on the husband's heart, so that as his conviction grows, so will his willingness to support his wife in practical ways in her role at home. When the home is back in harmony, and the husband is pleased with the atmosphere he is coming home to, the wife may feel free to ask her husband if he would like to take on a small task such as listening to a child read.

The Supportive but Absent Husband

What about the husband who feels called by God to homeschool, but realises that his present work commitments do not allow him to have much practical input? Despite this fact, the husband is the head (the Principal) of his Christian homeschool. His wife should submit to his authority in every aspect of the children's training and education. Instead of making scholastic decisions on her own simply because her husband is out at work, the wife needs to refer a question to her husband ahead of time so that he can make a decision on it. She might ask him, for example, "Do you think we need to plan to get some high school science materials for next year? Junior seems to be getting ahead and enjoying this subject ...." The wife might then show her husband the catalogues and curriculum choices possible, so that he can do the deciding. Being out at work doesn't have to mean being out of touch with the family. Often the wife is at fault by taking many of the decisions upon herself without adequately consulting her husband.

Ideally the husband should make himself available to his children for some of their schooling. If the husband and wife prayerfully consider the matter, they may be surprised to find ways of implementing this. Perhaps one weekday school morning could be cancelled and replaced with a weekend morning or afternoon so that the children can `school' with Dad. The husband's work hours may be able to be adjusted, or he may use the option of `flexitime' to have some daytime hours at home. It would be best if one or two specific activities were permanently taken charge of by Dad, such as correcting maths, listening to reading or planning and supervising a weekly science experiment. Instead of academics, the father might prefer to teach woodwork or gardening. Even if his daytime work is of a very exhausting nature, and the husband feels unable to make a creative input into his children's day, he will be showing an interest and loving concern for his family by relaxing in his armchair and saying with a smile to each child, "Show Dad what you did today,". Happily, this benefits the mother through the day as she inspires her children to make good efforts in their work, "Daddy will be glad to see that neat page of writing tonight, Junior."

As a long-term goal, your family may discuss the possibility of a home business. When the father no longer has to leave the home to earn an income, all the members of the family will eventually be able to help one another work, study and play. However, even if this never happens, you can explore the many small ways the head of the home can show support for his children's education and training.

The wife has two main responsibilities in any case. Firstly she is to do whatever it takes to keep all schooling and house concerns simplified and manageable, so that her husband arrives home to a loving welcome. Secondly she must realise that she was created as her husband's help (Genesis 2:18), therefore she should never demand, or even hint, that her husband should be helping her. Instead of telling her husband what to do to help her, the wife should simply ask his advice concerning her homeschooling problems, showing a humble trust and reverence for the husband with which God has blessed her. If she is a submissive wife with a loving attitude, her husband will certainly desire to ease her load.

CHAPTER 16

That Sinking Feeling

It is alarming the number of women in particular, even Christians, who struggle with depression. Although this book aims to help minimise the sources of stress in your life as a homeschooler, depression can be, and has been, an awful reality for some mothers and their families. This chapter aims to give you some ideas for seeking out the encouragement you need, and above all to give you a hope. A hope that you will be all that you desire to be in God, and for your family.

It is not necessarily your fault if you have succumbed to depression; it is, sadly, extremely common. But it is mainly up to you to help yourself climb out of this situation, and get back on the road to recovery. It will take

1) your firm decision to be well and strong, 2) the encouragement and support of others, and 3) most importantly, a stubborn faith in your God. The Weaker Vessel

Why is it that women seem to sink under waves of depression more easily than men? Part of the answer lies in the modern social outlook of woman's `equality' with man, often called feminism. Although in direct opposition to the teaching of the Bible, there is a community-wide assumption that a woman should take on more and more of life's responsibilities in many areas that used to only concern men. Financial decisions, business transactions and large scale organising tasks wear down a woman's emotional energy because she was not designed by God to be in the headship role these activities require. Even if a particular woman has what seems to be a `talent' for these skills, beyond that of her husband, she would be undermining her husband's God-given position if she were to take over these responsibilities. Her `success' will only feed the pride and ambition of the flesh in a most unfeminine way.

The Bible instead says that woman is the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), but also that this is a position honoured by her husband. This `weakness' then, is not to imply that the woman is of less value than the man. Rather, it is a great blessing for the woman that God designed her husband (or her father if she is unmarried), to take the burden of the major part of life's responsibilities. She can be free from all mental anxiety and heavy concerns by simply being in submission, and trusting her husband's or father's authority.

The `weakness' of the woman should entitle her to the protection of the man, which he will readily give when she is in complete submission to his authority. It is when the woman is left unprotected from life's demands that she becomes vulnerable to the frustrations which lead to depression. Although we do not say that correcting the husband

and wife roles are the whole answer to depression, an awareness of the woman's role as the weaker vessel does point to a significant root cause.

Contributing Factors

If stress has become depression, there may be added factors which can inhibit your emotional recovery. Recognising and managing these will be important. As women we know that getting older can mean changes in our hormone levels which in turn affect our moods and emotions. These hormone problems can make us more susceptible to depression, but it is important to realise that they are not the whole cause. Many women turn to various forms of medications or `natural' treatments to try to combat the effects of these hormonal changes. The results range from helpful to devastating. Please be especially wary of medical `control' of depression. The number of deaths resulting from such treatments would shock you, although, like suicides, they are rarely reported in the papers. And this is to say nothing of the marriage breakups or other social problems directly attributable to anti-depression drugs. There are many types of these drugs, all with various side effects. Many can change your whole personality overnight, induce erratic behaviour, cause memory loss and so on. The simple truth is, it is better to develop a strategy for coping with the depression based on the three points mentioned on page 189, than to try to cope with problems caused by the anti-depression medications.

Another contributing factor which is simple to correct is diet. As busy mothers, it is very easy to fall into a habit of eating, or snacking on convenience foods which are high in sugar, fats or other `problem' ingredients and additives. These foods can upset various chemical balances in the body and brain which in turn affect hormones and mood swings. Whether or not you choose to research the available information on this subject, you can't go wrong by changing to a completely natural diet of, say, raw foods or juices for a trial length of time. You may be pleasantly surprised by how much better you feel, and decide that this is the answer for you.

Here is a good daily habit which also has the effect of combating stress by relieving tensions which can build up without you being fully aware of it. This is simply to get out into the fresh air for fifteen minutes for a session of deep breathing and stretching in order to oxygenate your system. Any other brief activity which you find gives you a revitalised feeling will help, such as trampolining, a quick swim, or just smelling the roses. The Bible View

How do we reconcile problems with depression in our lives if we are Christians? We cannot deny that depression and its effects are a reality. We must, however, realise certain things. One is that our depression is not necessarily due to sin. If we view it

as a sickness (and we should), then we know that there can be any of three scriptural reasons for it. These are

1) personal sin, (John 5:14)

2) the fact that we are in a fallen and cursed world where disease, death and pain will exist until we enter Christ's Kingdom (Revelation 21:4) and,

3) to bring glory to God. (John 9:3)

Although God has allowed this circumstance to develop in our lives for a purpose, it is clear that God does not want us to be in continual bondage to depression: "For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Tim 1:7) It is interesting that being `fearful' not only produces an unsound mind, but actually disqualifies us from ultimately entering God's Kingdom: "But the fearful, and unbelieving, . shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brim- stone . . ." (Rev 21:8)

This is because `fear' is in opposition to faith: trusting and believing in our loving God to do all things for our best. All depression has its roots in fear and unbelief. Even though depression then robs us of the feelings of trust and faith, it cannot rob us of our ability to exercise trust and belief by faith alone. Why? Because it is not our feelings that we are putting faith in, it is our God and His Word, neither of which can ever fail. "For we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7) , "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) Therefore, deliberately expressing our faith, our belief and trust in the goodness of God (despite our feelings) is the sure antidote to succumbing to the effects of depression.

Our struggle with depression may not come to an abrupt end as we exercise our faith this way, but we will find that we at last have a weapon to fight with, and God will give us victory and relief in the end. How, then, do we put the `exercising of our faith' into practise? Here are some steps:

1. Acknowledge the problem. Admit the situation to yourself, to God, and to your husband. Thank the Lord that He has allowed this in His wisdom, and ask Him to use it for your spiritual good, and for His glory. Ask your husband for his practical and prayerful support as you work towards healing.

2. Be more determined than ever to meet with God daily in prayer and in meditation on His Word, even if you feel totally out of touch spiritually.This is walking by faith. It is easy to maintain your quiet times when they are full of blessing and spiritual highs, but when we persevere in our devotions even when we are feeling `dry', it is an act of will that says "God is worthy of my worship, my time and my praise and thanksgiving anyway". This right attitude will gain the victory at last.

of it, perhaps to humble us, or for some other purpose. It is a tribulation, yes, but also a privilege God has entrusted to us - we have been called into the fellowship of Christ's suffering. There is an earthly, as well as an eternal benefit to this: ". . .the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." (2 Corinthians 1:4) In other words, there will come a day when, because of our experience with depression, we will be able to help and encourage others who are going through the same valley.

4. Be careful not to make major decisions when you are feeling low, since you are then least able to make considered or rational judgements. For example, when struggling with depression our coping skills as a parent may seem very inadequate. We may therefore come to the wrong conclusion that children are the cause of our problems, and consequently takes steps to avoid having any more. Though our feelings have changed, God's Word does not, and He says children are a blessing. Exercise faith in this area, asking God to help you walk believing in Him, not in the desires of the flesh. Ask for practical help and support from those you trust. Avoid any action which may bring future regrets.

5. Consider the degree of trust and faith the Bible teaches. It is a faith that does not depend on results. For example, Job (and his wife) experienced the loss of all worldly wealth and their family of children in one day. Job's wife, under the naturally intense grief, gave way to despair to a suicidal degree. In a word: depression. As a godly man, Job knew all these calamities came from the Hand of the God he served. Yet, while certainly feeling the anguish of his loss, and the physical agony of personal pain, Job still stubbornly expressed his faith: "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him . . ."(Job 13:15) His was a faith that did not depend on results.

Likewise consider those whom the book of Hebrews describes: "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." (Hebrews 11:13) This is the degree of faith that needs to be ours when depression robs us of seeing any further than our own problems. A constant, unconditional belief in God's goodness that willfully thanks Him for His love while we are yet in the midst of our dark valley, and have not received relief. Using this faith, we decide to smile, and to speak cheerfully, when inside we are teary. We do this for the sake of those around us,