Conceptos luminotécnicos

The idea of identities being ‘fractured’ was presented in the women’s narratives in different ways. Fracturing implies that something is disrupted or fragmented and this is how the women described their experiences at different moments across their life histories. This conceptualisation of fractured is at a symbolic level, which represents how the women viewed their bodies and their attitudes and actions. It is not just a discursive label. The women’s identities were in some way ‘fractured’ or had changed due to a variety of cues. For example, from being unable to participate in activities they could in the past and experiencing their bodies in different (new) ways, to becoming reliant on a wheelchair or having to use their wheelchair more often. Examples of this were more pertinent in the narratives of those who have an acquired impairment or where their impairment is ‘unstable’, and likely to change. Kay’s comments below illuminate such fluctuations:

“I use my chair more now because like my legs get stiff a lot more now than they did … I don’t think so [be in a chair permanently] as long as I keep walking and mobile that won’t happen when I am tired then I really don’t want to walk too far but sometimes I have to force myself you have to rely on so many people” Kay

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Previous identities were somehow broken and, subsequently, they evolved differently at significant points in their lives. In our first interview, Andrea discussed how difficult she found it after the onset of her condition. The onset of her condition resulted in changes to her body and challenged her previous capabilities:

“It was difficult because in some ways it might have been easier had I had a sudden acute injury because sort of like bang this has happened and that’s the result whereas my condition is a bit more kinda windy and where it takes you … you aren’t quite sure what’s gonna happen with it” Andrea

Andrea expresses how there was a period of adjustment when she was first diagnosed with lupus, which can be difficult to manage. The extract from Andrea’s narrative below highlights the severe nature of her lupus and helps to contextualise the ‘phases of adjustment’ that she describes in her narrative. This also demonstrates the way in which her past identities have been disrupted:

“When I was first diagnosed my lungs were just so difficult to manage I was on oxygen all the time and had chemotherapy to calm down the inflammation in my lungs I mean some of the doctors who looked after me said we never thought we would ever get you off oxygen never mind back to Uni and playing sport there wasn’t really anything said at that time cos they didn’t know how it would go some people have lupus and yeah they are bothered with it and they are tired a lot and some people unfortunately like me have it where it’s quite serious you know it’s just difficult to manage” Andrea

Andrea’s experience when she was initially diagnosed with lupus highlights how her previous identities were fractured. Andrea went from being an active, medical student to a six-month stay in hospital; she describes how the doctors were unsure about her prognosis, particularly due to the ‘meandering’ nature of her condition. Subsequently, Andrea discusses the ‘dark’ moments she has experienced and the struggle she has had in reclaiming past identities: “I was just wow this is this is life now that’s pretty hard to adjust to I think it was pure depression to be honest just not really being bothered about anything it is very difficult to shake it”. Andrea talks candidly about how these low points have made her feel depressed and have significantly impacted her life. Initially, Andrea lost the sight in one of her eyes and her condition has deteriorated from that moment through to becoming a permanent wheelchair user. Each phase of change has resulted in a period of adjustment for Andrea as she attempts to re-define herself and establish past identities/new identities.

Working within a symbolic interactionist theoretical framework, Charmaz (1995) has explored how people manage chronic illness and impairment. Charmaz argues chronic illness assaults the body and threatens the integrity of self. Outside of the specific context of chronic illness, having some form of impairment has been shown to disrupt a person’s previous assumptions about the

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relationship between body and self. Subsequently the ‘wholeness’ of a person’s body and sense of self is disturbed (Charmaz 1991, 1995; Frank 1995; Renfrow 2004). Adapting to impairment or a change in condition, which has resulted in some form of identity fracturing is characterised by different “metaphors of opposition” (Charmaz 1995, p.658). For instance, these could include the idealised body versus the experienced body; social identification versus self-definition; invisible versus visible impairment; bodily control versus loss of function. These tensions emerge in different contexts or where there has been some sort of change with a disruptive episode (such as Andrea’s experience above). Subsequently, these tensions lead to the ‘fracturing’ of identities; people move through different processes to comprehend and adapt to such changes. Charmaz (1995) succinctly highlights this:

“As chronic illness encroaches upon life, people learn that it erodes their taken-for- granted preferred identities as well as their health. Further, they may discover that visible illness and disability can leave them with a master status and overriding stigmatised identity. Because of their physical losses, they reassess who they are and who they can become. Subsequently, they form identity goals as they try to reconstruct normal lives to whatever extent possible” (p.660).

‘Fractures’ occurred in different ways for the participants across the narratives and there were examples in a range of contexts. The women had to negotiate any tensions between past identities and potential future identities. These moments indicate the processual and dynamic nature of identities and the ‘work’ the women undertook to manage these instances. In the context of sport, the assault on identity brought on by illness, pain, injury, or altered circumstances has been documented in the literature (Allen-Collinson and Hockey 2007; Smith and Sparkes 2004). Angie reflects on how she felt when she learned that she was being dropped from the national archery squad:

“I have spoken to others as well that it has happened to it’s almost like a bereavement because there was so much because your whole life revolved around the squad because I was up and down that road at least twice a month it’s a long way to go for mid-week training camps and then you would be going and doing this and you would be going and doing that and all your work at home revolved around doing your diaries you had to do your reports it took up your whole life and then suddenly with the snap of fingers nothing absolutely nothing” Angie

Angie uses the term ‘bereavement’ to describe the feelings associated with no longer being part of the national squad. On a symbolic level, the ‘sporting identities’ she had as an archer at the elite level – personally and socially – were ‘lost’. Being part of the squad, travelling to competitions, travelling to training and engaging with the planning/administration of her training programme had suddenly ceased, consequently these identities were fractured. She

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could no longer identify with this on a personal level or in social encounters with others. As I have discussed previously, sport acts as a vehicle for the athletes to demonstrate their capabilities and engage in alternative self-definitions, which can then be (re)presented to others. These are common occurrences in the context of sport at any level. However, ‘disability’ intersects these experiences; Angie describes being worried about what she would do without archery and how people might view her if this wasn’t a significant part of her life:

“I think its kept me going a lot longer than it would have if I was sort of stuck in the house looking at doing housework which I hate anyway I would be worried about that being my life” Angie

This highlights the importance of being able to identify with sport and what the alternative, i.e. just ‘being disabled’ means. Even though she might not identify with this on a personal level, on a social level she would lose the ability to present herself as an elite-level archer. Angie had a short holiday after finding out this news and then decided, in agreement with her husband, that she would continue to compete in the same archery competitions and conduct her own training regime – just not as part of the national squad:

“When I eventually went back to it my husband he worked out a plan decided right we are just gonna show them cos I’d had this operation on my shoulder as well … we decided right we are gonna do the national series we will do all the competitions we want to do spend a year doing that and then review it at the end of the year” Angie

Angie continued to shoot at all the competitions that she would have been present at if she were still part of the national squad. The reference Angie makes to “showing them”, in reference to the coaches that make the squad selection, embodies common sport ‘values’, which emphasise individually battling back against the odds or any barriers that one encounters. Being present at the national series and other competitions seemed important to Angie on two different levels. Firstly, it afforded a sense of continuity for Angie in regards to her ‘sporting’ identities. Even though Angie was not competing under the umbrella of the ‘national squad’ she was still able to engage in the same practices and competitions. Secondly, it provided her with the opportunity to maintain her relationships with other members of the squad and be in contact with them regularly. These relationships were important for her to maintain to remain a part of this sporting ‘subculture’. I have discussed the concept of the subculture in chapter three, which depicts a way of life for a group of people. This highlights the social relations, which are unique to these archery competitions and facilitate the maintenance of Angie’s sporting identities. The notion of this subculture is apparent when Angie is discussing the painkillers they share at competitions:

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“ Take some blumin big pills always have plenty of pills to hand yeah we share them out between us as well at times well most of us are on the same stuff basically yeah and some of it is heavier duty than others I only take the really heavy ones when I have to or take more than I need to rather than having those because it so easily become addicted to some of this stuff so you have to be careful” Angie

The above sentiments offer an insight into the normalisation of taking painkillers in the context of archery competitions amongst her fellow disabled competitors. Not only does this demonstrate how competing through pain is routinised – which I will discuss in more detail in the next section – it is also indicative of a subculture and shared perspectives (Allen-Collinson and Hockey 2007; Prus 1996). It seems to be an accepted part of being at archery shoots and common practice. Angie discusses the importance of the social relations she engages with at the archery competitions:

“You can have a good laugh with some of them as well and cos you’re all doing the same thing people are great I mean the people are so generous and kind and really great great fun” Angie

In the above extract Angie is describing the relations she has with other members of the archery squad. Continuing her involvement with the same competitions enabled her to maintain her engagement with this group of people. Previously, in her narrative, Angie discussed the concerns she had about being ‘frozen out’ of the squad after being dropped from national selection. Identity work played a key role in managing her ‘fractured’ identities after de-selection from the national squad. The concept of identity work has been increasingly applied in the context of sport and leisure (Allen-Collinson and Hockey 2007; Walseth 2006b). Snow and Anderson (1995) define identity work as:

“The range of activities individuals engage in to create, present and sustain personal identities that are congruent with and supportive of the self-concept. So defined, identity work may involve a number of complementary activities: a) arrangement of physical settings or props; b) cosmetic face-work or the arrangement of personal appearance; c) selective association with other individuals and groups; d) verbal constructions and assertion of personal identities” (p.241).

Angie maintained her association with the people and groups that provided her a sense of continuity and arranged her physical settings so that she was still present at the same competitions. On a practical level, Angie was attempting to regain her status as an elite-level archer by continuing to compete and prove the selectors wrong. On a symbolic level, Angie was maintaining her familiarity with the sporting space(s) she was regularly a part of and engaging in the same social relations (at the elite-level of archery competition) to repair her ‘fractured’ identities. Sarah’s experiences also reflect the importance of feeling involved in activities and

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relationships that are part of sporting regimes when these are subject to some form of change. In Sarah’s case this sense of identity disruption was caused by an injury that prevented her from training and competing for nearly a year, which subsequently saw her stepping away from sport competition. Sarah reflects on what she eats and drinks still, even though she is not training at that level anymore:

“My coach she just used to make me drink milk constantly like but now it’s got to the point where I still eat as if I’m elite training I buy a six pint milk a week there is no need to drink six pints for one person and people are like why are you drinking milk and I’m like I dunno it’s just natural and it’s crazy I still have the mentality and I still look at myself as if I’m an athlete” Sarah

Sarah is unable to reconcile her past/present identities and future identities (Charmaz 1995). Drinking milk is a ‘prop’ that works to sustain her personal identity of being an athlete and not being disabled. This is also reflected in the way that Sarah still straps her groin, which is an injury she had previously:

“I did pull them a while ago and they haven’t yet sorted them out so I just keep strapping them [groin]… I’m not an athlete or competing so why am I strapping them and I’m constantly contradicting myself but then I dunno this whole identity thing you have it then you don’t realise you have it until you leave” Sarah The meanings that Sarah attributes to her sense of self allow her to manage the identities that were fractured by ceasing involvement in elite-level running. Engaging in these forms of identity work is a platform for maintaining her identities in some way. The reference Sarah makes “not realising you have something until you leave” reflects the idea that this identity was in some way fractured. Sarah also recognises the contradiction that is represented by still practising the same ‘pre-run’ regimes, i.e. strapping her groin. Sustaining these personal identity affiliations allows her to continue to dissociate from being ‘disabled’. The strong response she has to being seen as ‘disabled’ or ‘losing’ alternative identities can be connected to the social relations that Sarah experienced when she was growing up. Sarah has a twin sister who also has cerebral palsy, however her sister’s condition is more severe:

“I have a twin sister who’s got cerebral palsy she’s quadriplegic which means the cerebral palsy is in all in four limbs and she’s also mentally disabled whereas mine is completely different so when you look at us you can almost tell that she is but I’m not” Sarah

Sarah’s narrative provides an insight into the early experiences she had with her twin sister and the amount of attention that was focused on caring for her. Comparing herself with her sister has led Sarah to attempt to avoid being seen or labelled as disabled:

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“She was the main focus so when we go out with Mum she obviously is the main focus and I’d naturally learned how to hide mine no one ever asked apart from when I walked on my tip toes that was the most obvious sign of there being something wrong but as I trained the backs of my ankles to eventually stretch it no longer needed to be but now and again if I’m really tired then my tip toes will start to appear” Sarah Sarah was aware of how people reacted to her sister across different situations and the negative perceptions that accompanied her embodiment. Therefore, Sarah adapted the way she walked. This can be seen as a form of ‘passing’ and an information-management strategy (Goffman 1974). We are aware of how we and others place our bodies as social objects and intentionally manipulate bodily appearances accordingly. Crafting appearances of the body is a fluid and subjective component of the self (Waskul and van der Riet 2002). The reference Sarah makes to ‘hiding her’ impairment is indicative of her attempts to denounce the visibility of ‘disability’ and being perceived as such in social situations. The management of ‘invisible identities’ has generated much research interest (e.g. Rosenfeld and Faircloth 2004; Scheff 2005; Waskul and van der Riet 2002; Watson 2002), alongside the potential impact that disclosure would mean – for either positive status enhancement or for stigmatisation (Allen-Collinson and Brown 2012). Primary school experiences also propelled Sarah into viewing her impairment as something that she needed to ‘cover up’:

“They treated me fine apart from primary but I think that’s because I had so many accidents of falling