you start moving toward your values. Remember that you can’t really control what you feel or think or how others think or feel about you. You can only control what you do.
You set yourself up for disappointments if you make feeling better, happier, more confident, or more accepted the reasons for your actions. Chances are that you’ll sometimes feel better about yourself once you start moving in the direction of your values. But when you do things just to feel better, you’re walking on thin ice, because no matter what you do, you won’t always feel good, calm, confident, and accepted. Feelings are fickle. They come and go. That’s why they cannot serve as a solid foundation for your actions.
If you look deeply inside yourself, you can connect with aspects of your life that are precious—for whatever reason. Those precious things are that way just because they are. You don’t need to justify them. They’re present despite your emotional weather, much like the stars are forever present even on an overcast cloudy evening. You know the stars are there even when you sometimes can’t see them. And you know they’ll be back in view. Even the clouds don’t stick around forever, but the stars sure will. Your values are like the stars in a way. They don’t change overnight, nor do they go away. This is why values provide a more solid foundation for your actions than fleeting feelings ever could.
YOU’RE AT A CROSSROADS
Right now, you’re at a critical crossroads in your life. You can choose to live your life in a way that upholds your deepest and most cherished desires, or you can choose to live the same old way, constantly avoiding or struggling against WAFs. It’s up to you.
Take a look at how Danny handled this important choice in his life.
Danny’s Story
Danny came to us suffering from panic disorder. His panic was taking a huge toll on his life, snuffing out just about everything that mattered to him. One of Danny’s values was being a loving husband. Danny was faced with a tough choice—his panic or his relationship. Danny and his wife enjoyed classical music. Yet they hadn’t been to a live performance in years because to do that meant that Danny would need to sit in a concert hall for two hours amidst hundreds of people. Then, the unexpected happened.
Danny’s wife approached him with some exciting news. Her friend had offered her two tickets to the symphony at a bargain price. That news sent Danny’s mind into a tailspin and headed straight into a pit filled with the usual worries and scenarios: “What if you have a panic attack? It’ll be difficult to leave. Everyone will stare at you as you try to make it to the exit in the middle of the show.”
In the past, Danny’s default response was a flat-out “no!” And he knew that opting out made him feel safe and then sad. His wife would feel unhappy too. That’s how it went when his choices were about panic management. This time, though, things were a bit different. He asked his wife for a bit of time to think about it. He knew how much his wife would love to go with him, all dressed up by his side. And he was well aware of his deep love for her (and for the music). So he took time to think about it and make a choice. This wasn’t easy. He wanted to go and tell her, “Yes, let’s go.” Yet his mind was feeding him doom and gloom—cycling through an endless stream of frightening scenarios of what might happen at the concert. His old history was at work here, and it was pointing him to the same tiresome conclusion: don’t go—stay home.
He was torn and didn’t know what to do. It was at this point that Danny remembered the value question we had talked about. And focusing on this question helped him resolve his dilemma. He saw that listening to his mind and staying at home wouldn’t move him any closer to his value of being a loving husband. And with that, he made a courageous choice to go to the concert with his wife.
Like Danny, you have an important choice to make: Are you going to start living the life you want to live or are you going to keep on trying to avoid or struggling with your WAFs?
You can think of these choices in this way. Imagine life as a walk down a long corridor with many doors on either side. You have the power to choose which doors to open and enter. One of those doors is labeled “no more anxiety.” You’ve chosen the no-more-anxiety door for so long that you may have lost sight of other doors available to you. Now’s the time to venture out and open up other doors. You can do this!
What choice do you want to make? Going back to the no-more-anxiety door sure sounds tempting. Now consult your experience: has this action moved you closer to your values or further away from them? By now, you know the answer. If not, just go back to the Costs of Anxiety Management exercise in chapter 6.
Now is the time to muster the courage to explore other doors in your life corridor. Think about your life. Besides the no-more-anxiety door, what other doors would you like to open? Maybe there’s a door labeled “love” and another sporting a sign that says “physical fitness.” There’s a door to professional satisfaction and another that leads to political activism. Yet another is marked “inner peace.” It’s a long corridor with many, many doors.
LIFE ENHANCEMENT EXERCISES
In chapter 11, you created a to-do list of ways to take care of yourself each day. Continue to practice the following exercises from that chapter. Remember that you’re learning new skills, and be patient with yourself. Make your practice an important part of your daily routine.
Practice the Acceptance of Thoughts and Feelings exercise once a day.
Practice developing your Wise Mind with the Wise Mind exercise.
Practice being a mindful observer (the chessboard) during everyday activities at home
and elsewhere—and have fun with it.
Take stock of what you may still be giving up for anxiety this week.
THE TAKE-HOME MESSAGE
You can take charge of your life by focusing on what you can control: what you do with your hands, feet, and mouth. Instead of struggling with WAFs, you can identify what truly matters in your life and then focus your energy on pursuing goals that will move you in those directions.
Your values will help you choose a course of action that moves you closer to your dreams.