CONCLUSIONES

The link between loneliness and depression might not surprise you, but what about the connection between loneliness and mor-tality? A review of 148 studies that included more than 300,000 people suggested that extreme loneliness may actually be deadlier than smoking and twice as deadly as obesity. In this analysis, stron-ger social relationships resulted in a 50 percent increased likelihood of survival.⁴ No wonder social connectedness has been called a “be-havioral vaccine.”⁵

The lesson here is that human beings have an innate need to feel supported, connected, and loved. This is not strictly a psychologi-cal need, because psychologipsychologi-cal needs affect physipsychologi-cal health and vice versa. If we can get surgeon general warnings on cigarette boxes, maybe we should also broadcast public service announcements to the tune of, “Hey, you, eating takeout on the couch and watching TV by yourself again. Call somebody. Make plans. Join a club. Being alone all the time is extremely hazardous to your health!”

No wonder one of the best predictors of feeling better is being married, since it guarantees that we won’t be alone when we come home from work or when we’re in a particularly stressful situation.

According to the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey of over 40,000 people, about 40 percent of married people rated themselves as being “very happy” compared to only about 20 percent of never married, separated, or divorced people.

140 THE BRAIN FOG FIX

But don’t be in a hurry to marry just anybody, because people in not very happy marriages are also not very happy people, with a dismal 3 percent rating themselves as “very happy.” But we should as-pire to cultivate a healthy union with a person we respect and admire, because married people who rated their marriages as “very happy”

are also by far the happiest in their lives.⁶

It’s not just the relationship but the frequent expression of love that helps people feel better and live longer. In one long-term study, men who had sex at least twice a week were much less likely to die from a heart attack compared to those who had less sex.⁷ Could more sex with one’s significant other be an effective heart disease preven-tion strategy? What a great idea: it’s free, has no side effects, and it’s also a good deal more enjoyable than popping another pill. (And speaking of pills and sex, one of the most common side effects of SSRIs is the sexual dysfunction that 83 percent of patients reported experiencing in one study—a condition that can, of course, inhibit connection and intimacy.)⁸

Whether or not you ever get married, it’s indisputable that culti-vating connection, support, and companionship is a nonnegotiable for thinking and feeling better. And no matter how old you are, if you’re married, single, or dating, you always have an opportunity to connect to others. You may not be able to control when or where you meet the love of your life, but you can certainly control whether you accept that dinner invitation, create that online dating profile, say yes to that blind date, pick up the phone and call your best friend or mom, or even adopt a rescue animal. Oxytocin, the neurotransmit-ter of cuddling and connection, is released whether you’re spooning your significant other, breast-feeding your child, or just rubbing Fido’s belly.

The how of connection matters as well. Like a well-rounded retire-ment portfolio, you should diversify your relationships with a combi-nation of romantic love, friendship, and family. As tempting or easy as it may be, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s vital to cultivate a balance between the relationship with your significant other and other relationships in your life.

An Epidemic of Loneliness

The cultural stereotype might be that women desire romantic love more than men, but the reality seems to be that men actually need it more than women. Widows tend to fare better in life than widowers for the simple reason that women are better at maintaining their marriage and strong friendships simultaneously.

When people lose their spouse, remarrying or not remarrying are both suitable options . . . as long as people stay connected. The good news is that as people age (and are more likely to lose their spouse), they are also more likely to socialize with neighbors, volunteer, and attend religious services.⁹ So, again, it’s not about needing to cohab-itate; it’s about staying connected to those around you. It’s also clear that both the quantity and the quality of your relationships do matter, with the latter carrying more weight.¹⁰

Speaking of quality versus quantity, you may notice that you do some friend “pruning” as you get older. Your life as a 40-year-old mom with a full-time job is probably busier than it was when you were in high school, so you simply don’t have as much time for friendships.

Far more important than the total number of friends you can have is the number of very close friends you have. These are confidants, people you can tell anything to. Research shows that most Americans used to have about three of these. It’s no wonder iconic shows feature an ensemble cast of four close friends. Sex and the City’s Carrie had Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda; Entourage’s Vincent Chase has E, Johnny Drama, and Turtle. And the Golden Girls’ Dorothy, Blanche, Ma, and Rose all had one another.

But someone may need to inform Hollywood’s television writ-ers that they should start writing one less main character into those scripts, because research shows that the average number of confi-dants has shrunk from about three in the 1980s to two in the 2000s.

And about one in four Americans report having none.¹¹

This dynamic is playing out in our virtual worlds as well. In 2009, one survey revealed that only about half of the Facebook users had

“pruned” their friends by unfriending somebody. In 2012, that num-ber jumped to two-thirds. It seems that we are all inherently aware, even in our online interactions, that quality trumps quantity.

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Even worse than feeling alone in a room by yourself is feeling alone in a room full of people—or even on a Facebook page with thousands of “friends.” Social media was supposed to make it easier to keep in touch with friends and enhance connections, but one 2013 study showed that checking Facebook actually made people feel worse.¹² Have we reached the tipping point where social media actually pre-vents us from feeling connected to others? Do we stay home more pe-rusing Facebook instead of going out with others and strengthening our own relationships?

Real-life, flesh-and-blood relationships are extremely important both for our emotional health and for our brains. A study of more than 800 older adults over the course of many years showed that being lonely can double your risk of Alzheimer’s disease in addition to leading to cognitive decline.¹³ Feeling connected to others can even help you preserve intelligence over time. One remarkable study that followed almost 500 people over the span of 70 years, measuring subjects’ IQ at age 11 and then again at age 79, demonstrated that strong social networks and feeling supported can help preserve cog-nitive abilities and intelligence over the years.¹⁴

To reap all these benefits (and get a better social life to boot!), we will be engaging in activities that promote connection and neu-rogenesis in the 7-Day Energy Revolution. Growing and challenging your brain also means forming new social networks and getting out of the house to stay active and mobile—and, even more important, filling your life with a sense of belonging, connection, and purpose.