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Changing Your Behavior:

Facing Your Fears

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The Key to Conquering Anxiety

Facing your fear is the best way to overcome anxiety. The idea is not new.

Most of us know the answer to the old question of what you should do if you fall off a horse. The correct answer is:

a. Shoot the horse.

b. Eat the horse.

c. Shoot the horse, then eat it.

d. Get back on the horse and ride again as soon as possible.

e. Sue the horse.

The correct answer, of course, is d. (Unless you live in France, in which case b is also acceptable, provided you’ve got the right wine.) Therapists routinely advise people to “get back on the horse” when they have experi-enced traumas such as motor vehicle accidents. The sooner you drive again, the sooner you will become comfortable with driving. The longer you avoid driving, the more your fear about driving will increase.

Using coping thoughts and managing physical symptoms won’t be effective in the long run unless you also face your fears. Exposing yourself

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to your fear—or exposure therapy, as it is also known—is best accom-plished step by step. This allows you to move ahead without having to endure situations where the anxiety is unusually high.

Avoidance Behavior Maintains Anxiety

We’ve talked about avoidance behavior, a strategy we learn early in life to keep ourselves out of uncomfortable or painful situations. We can hear you saying, “But I don’t avoid many of the situations that make me anxious!”

Some people don’t avoid anxiety-provoking situations, yet find their anxiety persists. Why does their anxiety continue even though they are fac-ing their fears? The answer here often lies with more subtle types of avoid-ance. You may be physically present but still avoiding some important aspects of a situation. For instance:

♦ You go to school or work every day but avoid talking to certain peo-ple, such as fellow students you don’t know well or the head of your department.

♦ In a meeting or class you avoid eye contact with the person in charge so she or he won’t ask you a question.

♦ You avoid opportunities to go to coffee or lunch with your coworkers, or you go only with one or two you feel safe with.

♦ You listen to people discussing a topic you’re interested in, but avoid giving your opinion because you are afraid of saying something fool-ish or stumbling over your words.

♦ You go to a social gathering only if someone you know well and trust is there with you. You rely on that person to do most of the talking.

♦ You meet one or two people at a gathering and spend the whole time with them. You do not make an effort to speak to other people.

♦ You spend a great deal of time preparing for all possible questions that could come up at a meeting or presentation.

♦ You go out to eat, but you avoid foods that are messy or easy to spill (such as soup or spaghetti with sauce).

♦ You worry about your hand shaking and spilling your beverage, so you order only those beverages with lids and straws.

In each of these cases, subtle avoidance prevents you from being fully involved in the situation. You are present, but you engineer ways of

avoid-Chang ing Your B e hav ior : Fac ing Your Fear s 1 1 5

ing aspects of the situation you fear. This kind of avoidance limits the range of options and choices for your actions. You then continue to fear the situation because you worry, “What if my way of coping [avoiding]

doesn’t work?” You never develop confidence that you can handle the situation.

Roger: “I can’t handle spontaneous conversation.”

Roger was an experienced laboratory technician and president of his small union branch. He was often called on to speak at business meetings and participate in labor negotiations. To deal with his social anxiety, he had developed the strategy of being well prepared for meetings, bringing notes about issues he might have to discuss, and avoiding casual conversation that did not relate directly to those issues. But coffee breaks, lunches, and social gatherings were very dif-ficult for him because he worried that he would not be able to think of what to say, as he wouldn’t have a script. To overcome this aspect of social anxiety, Roger had to give up the subtle avoidance behavior of preparing notes and speeches for meetings and avoiding other conversation. He had to learn to trust that he would be able to make spontaneous comments, if necessary, and that he could respond to questions by saying he did not have the answer but would look into it.

Some people do have anxiety problems but no avoidance behaviors. For these people, it is usually anxious thinking that maintains their anxiety. If this is your situation, it is still important for you to face your fears. As you read this chapter, identify social situations that are difficult for you even if you do not avoid them, and practice going into those situations and using the coping techniques described in Chaps. 7 and 8.

Identifying Difficult Social Situations

You took the first step toward facing your fears back in Chap. 6, when you listed situations you avoid because of social anxiety. Return to that work-sheet now, review your list, and add any others you may have forgotten. If you need more space, use more paper.

Now that you’ve reviewed your list, think about the avoidant behaviors

you’ve used to cope with these situations. There may be some situations that make you anxious which you don’t avoid. You may be using some sub-tle avoidance behaviors in these situations to help yourself cope. Review the examples of subtle avoidance and list the ones you typically use on the worksheet (Fig. 9.1).

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Situation Subtle Avoidance Behavior

__________________________ __________________________

Figure 9.1 Subtle avoidance behaviors worksheet.

TRAP: Present in body but not in mind.

Another way to avoid being in an anxiety-provoking situation is to mentally avoid it. It is possible, for example, to be physically present at your office’s holiday party, but wishing so hard that you weren’t that you’re really not there in spirit or in mind. Some people describe being in a fog throughout an event, able to think only one thought: “It’ll be over soon. It’ll be over soon.” Others drink enough alcohol that they’re out of touch with what’s going on around them. These forms of cog-nitive avoidance—not being there in mind—have the same effect as other kinds of avoidance: they rob you of the opportunity to become comfortable in and confident about your ability to handle a situation.

It is therefore important to focus on being in a situation: don’t let your mind wander, make a point of consciously taking in your surround-ings and other people, and let it sink in that you’re actually there!

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