Conferencias Internacionales y la CEDAW

It has been called by as many names as the Devil himself. Nearly every psychotherapy system has a name for it; the harsh superego, negative self-talk, catastrophic expectations, low self-esteem, social phobia, self-hatred, stinking thinking, the punitive protector, internalized oppression, the Inner Critic, the Alter, the Beast, the Pig Parent, the Critical Parent and so on, on and on.

Psychotherapists recognize the importance of this near universal phenomenon; that inner voice that tells so many of us, over and over, in good times and bad, in whispers or shouts, from childhood to old age, when we are doing well or when we are doing badly, that our life is mediocre and hopeless, that we are not OK, that we are stupid or bad or ugly or crazy or sick, doomed or weird.

The Critical Parent gets its start as an external influence, force-fed by people with power over us when we are children. Primarily parents, but other relatives as well as teachers, neighbors and very importantly, other children, have the power to superimpose their judgments over our OK nature when we are young. Children find that their comfort, and at times survival, depends on accepting what they are told without protest. When they do so they change from free-ranging, autonomous humans to enslaved beings, governed by outrageous external ideas and rules.

Accepting and internalizing these ideas and rules is a condition for psychological survival when we are children. Consequently the Critical Parent can perpetuate the myth that it is our ally and that it does what it does only to help us. The truth is that with such a friend we don’t need enemies; its constant presence effectively diminishes life for most of us, ruins it for many, and undercuts the capacity to succeed and be productive for all of us. Even if any one person is personally free from a Critical Parent, that person will still suffer from the corrosive effects of the Critical Parent of others.

The voices in Doug’s head would be called his harsh superego by a psychoanalyst, Jacob’s predictions of doom would be called catastrophic expectations by a rational-emotive therapist, Marge’s demeaning feelings about her worth would be called low self-esteem. Charlotte’s panic attack would be called a phobic reaction. Daniel’s mental conundrum would be called an obsession and Hillary’s fears would be called negative self-talk by cognitive therapists. Sally would be diagnosed as having a major depression. Drew’s constant self put-downs have been called punitive alter by multiple personalities advocates and pathological self-criticism by academic psychologists; all of it has been called stinking thinking in twelve step programs.

Some will see these agonizing situations as symptoms of scores of emotional disorders and mental illnesses like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia and so on. I would argue that they are variants of Critical Parent activity.

Everyone of the real-life situations described above can be seen as the result of a set of mental patterns or ideas, which has acquired a firm grip over each person’s emotional life. This possession can be non-verbal and deeply, somatically embedded and reflexive or it can be a vicious, brutal voice that has been called the Pig Parent.

When it is a relentless, nagging critical voice, it has been called the Inner Critic;

when a constant “rational” evaluation, the Critical Parent; when a silent, depressing presence, the Enemy. They all start in the past as powerful, external influences fed to us by important people in our lives and eventually run our lives as they are incorporated and internalized.

These internalized negative ideas are normally not acknowledged or even noticed and discussion of them is not welcome. Consider this: In the most tyrannical of political regimes people are prohibited from speaking their tyrant’s name. Why?

Because if we can’t talk about what is oppressing us we are limited in our ability to fight it. In addition, if we can’t clarify how the tyrant works, we are more easily persuaded that we are the cause of our own troubles.

Being able to talk about oppressors is the first step to overthrowing them. Likewise with our internal oppressor; it is important to be aware that it ruins our lives and to refer to it by name. I will call the particular demon that makes our lives miserable, the Critical Parent, The Enemy or the Inner Critic. Feel free to use these names or make up your own, but do give this malevolent influence a name and let’s talk about it.

The Critical Parent is acquired in the past and we can delete it as an influence in our present life. To do this we must do two things: one is cognitive—change our thinking—and the other behavioral—alter the daily interactions that support those self-hating thoughts.

The most important cognitive obstacle in fighting the Critical Parent is that most people believe that its mission is legitimate: to keep us and others on the right path, prevent us from making mistakes, guide us in our decisions, advise us of our flaws.

The Enemy is also mistaken for our conscience, that core aspect of our soul that reminds us of our legitimate obligations as human beings. But unlike our conscience, which is built on the love of ourselves and our neighbors, the Inner Enemy’s mission is to undermine the affectionate bonds between people. Without clear awareness of its true nature, we believe that the Inner Enemy is beneficial, worthy of being taken seriously and followed.

Sometimes the Enemy manages to create the illusion that expressing its toxic qualities is actually a badge of distinction, as in the case of the self-destructively alcoholic bohemian writer who sees himself as high-spirited, truth-telling iconoclast, or the amoral sexual psychopath who brags about his exploits and cultivates a glamorous sense of “wickedness”.

In addition, theorists in transactional analysis have developed the concept of the

“positive Critical Parent” as a counter-argument to my insistence that the Critical

Parent is all-negative. The argument is that children require the application of Critical Parent feedback and power to educate them and to ensure that they stay out of trouble. To this I respond that forty years of experience with three children and six grandchildren, as well as the testimony of innumerable readers and followers convinces me that that Adult critique and nurturing parenting are quite sufficient to accomplish those goals. The Critical Parent is simply not needed for childrearing in a cooperative, democratic society.

Glamorizing or defending the Critical Parent will empower it by rationalizing it with the appearance of Adult support; on the contrary, I believe we must jettison it from our lives altogether. The behavioral obstacle in this enterprise can only be overcome by deliberate, conscious action that goes against the Critical Parent’s prohibitions. In Chapter Ten I will elaborate on the methods we utilize to help people to rid themselves of the Critical Parent.

The Inner Enemy is principally the enemy of love. It is devoted to making sure that we not only don’t love ourselves but that we also not love others. When we don’t love ourselves or others, no one will love us. Bonding and affiliation invariably weaken the Enemy’s control over us. Thus a premier action against the Critical Parent is to love and allow ourselves to be loved in return. This is why love is the antidote to the Critical Parent’s poison. These ideas will be deeply shocking to some. Militating against rules that are considered essential to the survival of civilization, and advocating indiscriminate love of self and others will be seen as wrong headed in some quarters; sinful, Godless and dangerously close to communism and worthy of vigorous opposition. That has often been the reaction to democratic liberation and should surprise no one.

The basic message of the Critical Parent is:

YOU ARE NOT OK:

✦ You are bad (sinful, lazy, wicked, etc.)

✦ You are stupid (retarded, can’t think straight, confused, etc.)

✦ You are crazy (mentally, emotionally, irrational, out of control, etc.)

✦ You are ugly (ugly face, ugly body, old, etc.)

✦ You are sick (weak, diseased, polluted, etc.)

✦ You are doomed (hopeless, self destructive, etc.) Therefore

✦ You will not be loved and

✦ You will be excluded from the tribe.

The murderous teenager, Kipland Kinkel’s writings provide a dramatic example:

[the Critical Parent inserts, in brackets, are mine.]

“God damn these voices in my head. I want to die I want to be gone...I sound so pitiful. People would laugh at this if they read it. I hate being laughed at...I hate every one of you. Because everything I touch turns to shit [doomed]...If I had a heart it would be gray... My cold black heart [bad] has never and will never experience true love [doomed]... Why aren’t I normal? [sick, weird] Help me. No one will. I will kill every last mother fucking one of you.” (1999)

Where does this Critical Parent come from? Why this bloody-minded, love-corrupting presence in our innermost self? The Critical Parent is the product of an evolutionary process emanating from the reptilian-brain instinct for territorial and dominating behavior. These reptilian instincts persisted through mammalian and simian evolutionary stages and have evolved into the patriarchy, a persistent system of supremacy of men over women, the powerful over the weak, of the middle aged over the young and elderly.

The Critical Parent is the enforcer of the patriarchal system of domination. It’s ultimate threat against those who would defy it is exclusion from the tribe and death; the utter loss of love from those who would protect us. Love is a particular target of patriarchal control because in its many forms it challenges and threatens patriarchal domination. Domination, embodied in the Critical Parent, is the antagonist of love; instead of direct, empathic, loving cooperation and negotiation, the Critical Parent insists on power plays, lies and secrets.

Patriarchy has undermined the collective potential of humanity, and had no challenge until the advent of democracy. Since the first imperfect forms of democracy emerged, the principle that everyone is born with equal rights, especially the right to freely develop their potential, has gained greater and greater currency.

Imperfect as democracy is in its present state, it is still the best system we have to allow every person the opportunity to fully develop. This is the historical framework for the ideas I offer here; ideas first advanced in the world of psychiatry by Eric Berne, intended to help people in their arduous search for personal fulfillment.