Seeking a high degree of approval from others may mean that inside we do not feel secure enough about ourselves (in at least one life area). We may lack self-confidence and not trust our own competence--possibly because we are too inexperienced in that area.
Or, we may lack self-confidence because of deeper doubts about our overall competence or value as a person. Inside we may fear something is seriously wrong with our personality or intelligence. Or we may fear that we have a moral or character defect--that we are weak, bad, stupid, a loser, lazy, damaged, dirty, or have low self-esteem.
These fears may have originated from other people's comments (parents, peers, or authorities). These negative comments may have some element of truth, but our critics may exaggerate the negative aspect. In the process they may teach us their negative cognitive bias styles (overgeneralization, exaggerations, selective abstraction, or negative bias). Thus, we may learn to exaggerate our own deficiencies whenever we make any kind of mistake or anyone criticizes us. The result of this biased input from others and ourselves is a strong belief--"deep inside something is terribly wrong with me."
Taking a public-opinion poll on our worth doesn't work. Every encounter with
another person may represent a battle between the positive and negative parts of ourselves. Each part seeks victory. If we get approval, respect, love, attention, or whatever feedback we seek that validates our belief that we are ok, then it is a victory for the positive side. That inner part may generate all sorts of positive thoughts about how great we are.
If on the other hand, if we get disapproval, rejection, or criticism, then the negative part feels validated and takes temporary control. Focusing on this negative input generates feelings such as hurt, anger, anxiety, guilt, or depression. It generates negative thoughts such as "I'm a failure," "I'm stupid," "I'm no good," or "nobody would want me."
I have seen many clients whose mental and emotional life consists of playing out this war between their positive and negative parts for years. They
will never get an answer to whether they are worthy or not by taking a public opinion poll--which is what they have been doing. If a person "votes" that they are ok, they feel good. If someone "votes" that they aren‘t-ok, they feel terrible.
Become more dependent upon internal validation. Part of the answer to overcoming this conflict is to develop a stronger Higher Self. Recall how the Higher Self gains power as we choose to unconditionally love ourselves and value our own and others' happiness. Our final judge is the Higher Self. As long as we believe that our happiness or opinion of ourselves is dependent upon something only others can give us, we are at their mercy.
If they are negative or controlling persons, they have us by the throat, because they can control us by giving or withholding approval. Therefore, to be internally controlled, we must consistently choose to value our own happiness and other mental or spiritual values above money, above other people's opinions, above being loved, above respect, and above any other value that is external or in the control of other people.
Seek healthy inputs and reprogram cognitive biases. Instead of exposing
ourselves to negative inputs and negative people or media, we can expose ourselves to healthier, more positive inputs. Spend more time with happier, healthier people. Spend more time with media providing constructive, positive points of view.
To get control over inner subparts that say we are bad, we can choose to listen and to do what our healthier parts say. We can validate Higher Self empathy and love. Just keep choosing the alternative that will make you the happiest and contribute most to other people's happiness. Choosing it increases its power. Choosing the way of the negative part increases its power. Almost every choice you make empowers one or the other!
Choosing internal control often means getting far away from family or other people who have dysfunctional needs to "hold on to" and control their adult children or loved ones. It means being assertive about both how often you see them and the nature of your interactions when you are together. Structuring time together so that there is minimal opportunity for the negative interactions can help. Examples include small talk, TV, going to public places, and keeping busy.
I have seen many clients who literally had to escape the powerful family system forces in order to choose mental health over severe psychological dysfunction and unhappiness. For many people the choice is to be in this relationship and continue to be dysfunctional and miserable or to leave it to eventually find health and happiness.
Do you seek approval because you do not trust in your own perception, competence, or judgment? Perhaps you do not trust your own intelligence,
judgment, or competence. Therefore, you may trust someone else's more. Sometimes, trusting another's judgment more than our own makes sense. If I
were going to receive heart surgery, I would certainly trust my surgeon's knowledge about the heart more than my own. However, that trust does not mean that I would automatically take his advice about whether to have surgery or not. I would probably get at least one additional opinion, learn all I could about my heart, and make the final decision myself.
I see many people who do not even trust their own senses, memory, or perceptions as much as they trust someone else's statements. Statements like "you can't be upset over that," "how could you possibly feel . . .," or "you can't possibly feel . . ." to someone about how they are feeling may mean that the outside observer either misunderstands how the person feels or wants to change how the person is feeling. They may not like or want to accept that this is how the person really is feeling.
The person experiencing the feeling almost always knows what they are feeling better than the outside observer. Yet many people ignore, deny, or describe their own feelings in such a way as to agree with the outside observer instead of trusting their own senses. They might even really become persuaded that they couldn't possibly feel that way.
If any of these are problems for you, then it is important that you practice tuning into your own senses and perceptions. If you are unsure about what your perception is, then you can at least say something like, "I think that I am feeling resentment" and stick to it.
Do you seek approval because you are afraid people only tolerate you? Do
you believe deep inside that people would not like you if they really knew all about you? So you try to present yourself in a way that you think they would like--you present a facade. How much do you distort the truth because you think they would not respect or like you if they knew the truth?
One of my solutions is that if they do not like me the way that I am, then I would not want to get close to them. Why would I want to get too close to anyone who can't accept me the way I am?
Perhaps you believe that no one could accept or like you the way you really are. In one of his roles Groucho Marx once said that he wouldn't want anyone as a friend who would want someone like him as a friend.
Who do you want to be closest to? Who is most important that you be accepted by? If you are concerned about your ability to make friends or be liked, then focus most on the people who you want to be friends with. So what if the others don't like you!
Do you feel that the people most important to you would accept you? If so, then remember this at times when you are starting to worry about seeking others' approval--especially people who are not so important. If you do not think that the people who are most important to you would accept you the way you really are, then perhaps you need to begin a self-improvement program or change your reference group.
possible reason that you might seek approval so much is that you do not accept some truth about yourself. Maybe your fear of this awful truth causes you to be more externally controlled.
There are two general solutions to a problem--fix it or accept it. The philosopher Reinhold Niebuhr initiated the famous serenity prayer,
God, give me the power to change that which I can change, the power to accept that which I cannot change,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
If we love ourselves unconditionally, we can accept any truth about ourselves. The first step in 12-step programs for people addicted to alcohol or drugs is to privately and publicly accept the truth that they are alcoholic.
However, once you really allow yourself to explore some awful truth fear about yourself, you may find that it is not true after all. Other people (such as parents or peers) may have convinced you that something is basically wrong with you--even though it is really not true! If self-acceptance or facing some negative self-label is part of your problem, read the self-acceptance section in chapter 5.
TRYING TO BE POPULAR versus