Although SOM is often thought of as a persuasion skill employed to win arguments, it is also a profoundly effective tool for conflict resolution. In the classes I teach on SOM we often conclude the class with an exercise where two class members play-act that they are a couple experiencing relationship issues and a third class member acts as their marriage counselor. The couple are meeting with the counselor for a session to sort out their differences. Each participant is assigned certain SOM patterns and must stay within those patterns for the duration of the exercise . The following imaginary conversation is an example of how that might go. Any similarity to a real couple is purely coincidental.
In the example below you will see the meta model in use and at least one example of each Sleight of Mouth pattern. Each time a pattern is used there will be a superscript number like this1
Please notice how the counselor occasionally strings more than one pattern together in a row. This tactic seems to work quite well.
. At the end of the section will be the key, listing the patterns used. It might be fun to test yourself and see if you can name the patterns. Canny readers will notice that the occasional Ericksonian Hypnotic Language pattern is mixed in, as well.
Counselor: Good morning Mr and Mrs. Smith. He - Hi.
She - It's a pleasure to meet you.
C - Please have a seat. Now - how may I help you? She - Oh my, I don't know what to say.
He - well that would be a first.
C - Well, both of you have made the effort to be here. If one thing could be improved in your relationship, what might that be?
He/She - (Silence)
C - If there was one thing that could be made better - Mrs Smith? She - We're just not close anymore.
C - OK - so you want more closeness. More intimacy? She - Yes.
C - And Mr. Smith, do you agree that you just aren't close anymore? He - I do,
C - And you want more closeness, more intimacy? He - That would be nice, yes.
C - Great. So Mrs. Smith, let me ask you, what would "more closeness" look like? What would you see, what would you hear, what would you feel differently that would indicate you were having "more closeness?"
She - Well, I think, if he were not so deeply in debt, then we could take some time to be together... maybe go to the shore once in a while.
He - I'm only in debt until these business investments I'm involved with start paying off. It's like a farmer who's planted a crop - there's a long time between the planting and the harvesting.
She - That's a lot of crop! What farmer ever waits five years for a crop? You've never harvested anything.
1
He - Never? What about that trip we took to Aruba last January?
2
She -Your "working vacation?" I don't call putting a trip on a credit card "reaping the rewards of investing," I call it going deeper into debt.
3
He - It's not that I'm going deeper into debt, it's that I know how to position my corporate earnings and losses to get the maximum tax write off possible. That's responsible book keeping.
4
She - Wow. How do you even represent a belief like that in your head?
5
C - Let me just stop you there for a moment. You both agreed that more
closeness and intimacy was your major outcome. Isn't it more important to focus on the areas of your relationship that promote that goal rather than on areas of your disagreement.7 Because when we stop and look at the bigger picture, intimacy is built, trust is earned, and you two have really invested a lot in each other, so it's worth taking the time and making the effort to make this relationship as beautiful as it can be.8 Besides, if you continue in the same way you have been going for all these years, you'll never have more intimacy and it could end up even worse.9
He - No.
You don't want that, do you?
She - No we don't.
C - So Mr. Smith, let me ask you, what first drew you to Mrs. Smith? Remember back when you were first dating.
He- I loved her energy and vitality. She was always up and engaged in life. C - Great. And Mrs. Smith, what drew you to Mr. Smith?
She - He was charming and funny and so handsome.
C - Excellent. Now just stop for a moment, both of you, stop - please, now close your eyes, take a breath and remember those times. Remember one of your first dates or a special time early on and float back there now in your mind's eye. See things that you saw then now - as if looking through your own eyes. Be there now, hearing the sounds you heard then... now, and the sound of each other's voices... the humor, the vitality, the energy, the charm... be there now and feel those feelings of attraction. (pause) Now open your eyes and see that same person is right here with you now. And I know your intent is to rekindle that passion and intimacy with each other again, so let's find ways of doing that together, won't you?
He - How specifically can we do that here in the present when she constantly puts me down?
10
She - You mean anytime I make a suggestion about how you can improve you hear it as me totally emasculating you?
11
C - Now if I could just stop us there for a second. Mrs. Smith, I really think you're responding that way because you're both stuck in some old patterns of
responding that come across as condescending and certainly not going to foster intimacy.
12
13
What you both need to do is find some new ways of responding to each other and to begin to appreciate that the issue, really, is not who's right and who's wrong. The real issue is how to forgive the past, learn from the past so you preserve the goodness that's there while you rekindle the old flame and move into a better future.14 The good news is that this is totally doable. The only
question is are you both ready and willing to do that? Mr. Smith? He - Yes I am.
C - Mrs. Smith? She - Sure
C - Excellent. I think we have made some excellent progress today. Thank you both for being open and willing to change. That's all the time we have for today. See you next week.
THE PATTERNS 1 Metaphor/Analogy 2 Apply to Self 3 Counter Example 4
Model of the World
5 Redefine 6 Reality Strategy 7 Hierarchy of Criteria 8
Change Frame SIze
9 Consequence 10 Intent 11 Chunk Down 12 Chunk Up (exaggerate) 13 Meta Frame 14 Another Outcome