8.2 DEPÓSITO DE RECHAZOS 8.2.1 Fases de ejecución

6.4.1 Working collaboratively with children’s mothers

Another significant feature of the separated parent relationship is the ability for parents to work collaboratively when making decisions about children’s upbringing. In this research these decisions were at times discussed in ambiguous terms of ‘parenting’, but also specifically about educational decisions and managing expectations of children’s behaviour. Across the sample, links can be made between the perceived and experienced quality of parental relationship and the ease of making joint co-parenting decisions. Vince is demonstrative of how progression between parents over time can improve co-parenting. After a difficult separation period which he described as “no communication … if she had to talk to me it would be very abrupt, phones slammed down sort of thing” and several years in the Family Courts to arrange contact, 10

years after separation he reported getting on very well with his ex-partner. He described the transformation to a friendly communicative relationship as a “real blessing”:

There are things I’ll think of that mum won’t think of, and vice-versa, and whilst we don’t agree on all our parenting - that’s why we aren’t together - we value each other’s opinions a lot more now and we will listen to those, and it’s all the better for Ella, I think. Without a doubt. (Vince)

Here Vince highlights how having parenting opinions listened to, and in turn listening to their children’s mother is a marker for positive co-parenting relationships. Other fathers, reporting usually ‘good’ or ‘amicable’ communication also discussed how being able to converse in ways that were not confrontational allowed for productive conversations about their children’s upbringing. Topics of conversation went beyond short conversations when dropping or collecting children, with phone calls periodically to ‘catch up’ or before a specific event, such as parent’s evening:

But when it comes to Joe, yeah, I think we communicate well. We try to have a united front about what his needs are; so, for example, if we go to parents evening, we both go together and sometimes we discuss beforehand the things we want to talk about. Because Joe might have said different things to each of us, so we are just working out what his particular needs are. (Brian)

She and I quite often talk on the phone, often early in the morning, and less so now they are older. When they were younger, we used to talk a lot, maybe even two or three times a week, just catching up on where they were. (Leo)

Being recognised as an important actor in decision making, feeling as if one’s opinions are valued in decision-making and being consistently included in decision-making - “if there is any major decision or issue arising, we will always talk about it” (Martin) – can aid parental communication, even if there is disagreement about the final decision. For example, Oliver felt that maintaining the positive and open dialogue he had with his daughter’s mother was a central priority when discussing their daughter’s needs. He explained this in the next passage regarding disagreements about schooling choices, where friends and family members suggested he got legal advice and ‘fought’ more for his opinion:

I thought “well, yeah, this is one of the things I want, but I think what is more important is that me and [ex-partner] have a good relationship”. Because if that breaks down and we don’t have that good relationship then that’s it, it’s just not gonna work, it just doesn’t bear thinking about. I see and hear so many stories of people being in situations where the only conversations between the two parents are by letters from one solicitor to the other; they never speak to each other and any change in arrangements down to like half an hour has to be discussed through lawyers. I want to be there; I want Holly to have two parents who love her.

Participants expressed needing to work with their ex-partner to create a ‘unified front’ for children, to ensure behaviour is controlled at both homes, even if fathers didn’t wholly agree with the parenting technique of

their ex-partner. This included making sure that children were aware that parents communicated, that parents would ‘back each other up’ and parents should make effort to keep things ‘stabilised’ or ‘similar’ between the two households.

As much as I don’t always necessarily agree with [ex-wife]’s parenting admittedly, we have got to show some sort of unified front. I don’t want to be giving my eventually teenage daughter a key to the house so that when she has had an argument with her mum she can disappear somewhere. I don’t want to start that war where she is playing us off against each other. (Graham)

Certainly, in front of the kids, they need to see that they can’t go running from one to the other if they disagree. I mean, in full family units that haven’t separated, kids will play mum off against dad and that sort of thing. But we don’t want to exacerbate that sort of situation… (William)

Expressions of presenting a ‘united front’ illustrates that fathers wish to remain as a figure of discipline and rule-making alongside potentially new caring roles formed through non-resident fatherhood. As aforementioned, parents can communicate by phone call, either on a periodic basis, or sporadically. Parents can also discuss developments when children are being collected between homes, however, as shown by Joshua, this can be problematic:

Saturday night and Sunday night are probably the biggest two times when we can communicate the most. And that could also be a friction point, if [ex-wife] is telling me things that have happened between her and Charlie, and if Charlie overhears that, he will go “[angrily] no! that didn’t happen!” so that was a bit tricky to manage for a while. We had to learn not to do that, but that unfortunately means that sometimes you miss out on that communication. And then it’s making other efforts to try and communicate it in a different way when he is not there. So, I guess there is the occasional text or WhatsApp message to let me know what’s going off.

This extract from Joshua, highlights that parents working together and communicating is not always straightforward; some conversations cannot be discussed in front of children, and for the majority of parents in this study, the only time parents spent together included their children being present – i.e. dropping off or picking up children. This meant texting, emails and phone calls are often the means of communicating for separated parents where a face-to-face conversation might be more beneficial. This collaborative nature (or desire for a collaborative nature) suggest that fathers in the sample recognise the necessity to participate in family practices across households in order to facilitate effective parenting. It also suggests that creating consistency for children is an important task of separated parents. However, a noticeable exception to this pattern occurred in the sample highlighting how when parental communication was poor, desires to develop shared family practices are not prioritised:

There has been an occasion where she has asked me saying: “Bethany’s got this punishment, she’s not allowed to do this or that; I want you to respect this or that”, but because I only get to see her once

a week, I just say yes, but when we are together, its Bethany’s time, and my time, and stuff what her mother says at the end of the day. (Daniel)

Daniel has a sporadic care routine for his daughter and described his relationship with her mother as “neither here nor there and we have no love for each other at all”. Low or poor levels of communication between parents and disagreement over care patterns can reduce desires to co-parent collaboratively.

6.4.2 Feeling secondary in decision-making

Communicative and harmonious co-parenting relationships were not expressed by everyone in the sample. Amongst those considered to have ‘poor’ communication with their ex-partner there were repeated expressions of feeling like they were not consulted, or their opinion was not valued when it came to making decisions.

I have never ever been involved in [decision making], never once been asked, to be honest with you it’s never even been brought up. I didn’t even know that she was going to pre-school until months after she started. (Simon)

When we split up my ex-wife went to live near her parents which is two and a half hours’ drive away. And one of the first things she did without asking me is enrol her in a particular school. So, no decision there. (Ivan)

Here school features as a significant decision, but there was also less discussion of rules and creating consistency across homes amongst this subset of participants. Feeling that discussions would end in disagreement, or their feelings would be dismissed meant some fathers avoided raising issues with their children’s mother, or felt expressing their options would be ‘pointless’:

I try not to get into it. Cos, I think if I really thought about it, then I would really start to worry about everything to do with his upbringing, and really, I don’t have much say in it. So, I try to avoid getting engaged in it. It would also mean engaging with [ex-partner] and that’s not desirable. (Kieran) You kind of think the distance would make it easier to be level headed and communicate, but it isn’t. So, there is still a little bit of friction. I try and relay information and she interprets it negatively. Or when I actually want to talk about something important, it’s almost like she doesn’t give me time. (Dominic)

These extracts suggest that fathers with poorer levels of communication with their ex-partners feel that they should be consulted on decision-making in terms of school (and pre-school) choices, but also in broader aspects of their children’s ‘upbringing’ similarly to parents with more positive communication in section 6.4.1. Even where parental communication could be classified as good or amicable, there were still expressions of mothers taking a primary role in decision-making and having a more influential voice; where

fathers were included, their opinion was felt to be lesser, resulting in feelings of being placed in a secondary position. One example of this was Fraser who discussed feeling frustrated at being ‘consulted’ rather than ‘involved’ in decision-making when it came to choosing his 10-year-old sons’ secondary school. Similarly, Dominic, whose daughter had been struggling at school, discussed how his ex-partner would ask his opinion, but he felt she was not interested in his reply: “she will ring me up to get my opinion, but what she really wants is for me to say yes. So, when I try and offer a managed opinion or play devil’s advocate, she ends up getting really annoyed at me”. These extracts highlight a desire to be recognised as a more equal partner in decision-making.

Similarly, to improvement of parental relationships over-time, feeling involved in decision-making can improve over time. Harry, who has been separated from his ex-wife for nearly five years, felt that until very recently his ex-wife’s approach to decision-making made collaborative parenting difficult:

I think her mum is very much of the opinion that she is in charge of all of this, and that I am just a sort of addition, and that it is nice that Alice sees her dad every now and again, spends time with me. But actually in the last six months that has changed a bit, got a lot better, six months to a year I think, but previously to that she was very much “I make all the decisions around here when it comes to Alice”. And that attitude would close down conversations, she was very good at closing it down. (Harry) Partaking in decision-making about children’s upbringing can be considered a parenting practice that is not easily measurable; whilst time with children and care given by fathers is a tangible family practice, co- parenting discussions, being listened to and consulted are less visible markers of fatherhood. These extracts however highlight how more hidden parenting practices are also considered fundamental to ‘involved’ fatherhood. However, poor parental communication, or perceived exclusion by their children’s mother can mean access to this fundamental aspect of fathering is restricted. This contrasts feelings of recognition as an important actor in decision-making expressed by other fathers in the sample, potentially exacerbating poor parental communication and disagreements about decisions. For some fathers, a sense of lack of influence when it comes to decision-making when multiplied with difficult care arrangements that also felt out of their control resulted in a deep sense of instability and precariousness.

I feel massively powerless, and it’s like I said, I am just a person, in her eyes I might be a dad, this, that and the other, but in my eyes, I am just some bloke, I am not a dad, not a father. Alright, I give her mum £200 a month, I get to see her on a Sunday and we do something together, but I don’t know, maybe things will change as she gets older. (Daniel)

I have got no power and no say. I’d love to be more involved, but I can’t, without going through the hassle of court and official means, I can’t force her mother to give me more say. And that’s the worst thing, you always feel like a secondary parent, one below, you don’t feel equal and that’s the hardest

thing. You always feel like they are dictating to you, and you always have to tiptoe around, like you are walking on ice. And even though we aren’t together anymore I still feel like I can’t upset her, cos she has the power to stop me seeing Phoebe. When someone has that hold on you, it’s the worst thing ever. To know that someone can take your child away from you, it’s awful, it’s really horrendous. (Nick)

These extracts from Daniel and Nick, both of who have precarious and day-time only care routines, demonstrate how involvement in decision-making is integral to their identity as a father. They also highlight how perceived exclusion from fundamental parenting practices, as well as feeling unable to move from a secondary position can result in feelings of powerlessness and fear. Before summarising and compiling these three sections on relationships, care routines and decision making, a brief discussion of fathers’ perceptions of maternal partners and the potentially problematic nature of another father-figure for their children is had.