Designación del conciliador

Overall this theme illustrates the discomfort in experiencing and bringing to awareness difficult emotions. The participants highlight this discomfort in the difficulties they have expressing themselves in the interview and in their efforts to be understood and not judged. They talk of the tendency in life to withhold their emotions but describe the

consequences of withholding and also of sharing. Alternatively the women also illustrate that despite this discomfort they are able within the interview and sometimes in life, to share and reflect on difficult experiences.

3.6.1 Alone with distress

Emotional distress was talked about in the context of bereavement, abuse,

their distress from others leaving them to deal with it alone. Ruth explains how she dealt with her distress alone, in what she describes as a large, close family: “…she said “ohh you got to have a bath again tonight” and, uhh, I remember crying under the water which doesn’t make sense to me cause how could you, but, I remember just getting under the water and staying under the water for as long as I could, umm, to cry…”

Withholding distress for some appeared to have been a maladaptive strategy for protecting oneself from further distress. Gillian points out the emotional consequences of protecting others from distress; “It can be really very painful, erm, it’s something that I keep inside me and I think it’s wrong that I should keep it into meself but when I can talk to a stranger, excuse me for classing you as that, I can’t talk to me brother and sister over it because I don’t want them to get upset.”. Whilst this strategy successfully protects her from feelings of guilt she remains overwhelmed by the pain of her own grief. Even within the interview process problems arise in trying to share difficult personal experiences. This is illustrated by Pamela’s struggle to articulate herself when describing the sexual abuse of her daughter by her eldest son; “she had to be examined by a doctor you know to see if there was any penetration, blah, blah, blah.” This indicates perhaps the distress of disclosing and a desire to revert back to withholding and internalising how she really feels.

Ruth recognises the impact that backing off from others and being alone with her distress has had on her relationship with her husband; “because I think I was so in… it was all about me, everything, and my failings, whereas I thought I was doing everything to keep the relationship, you know I backed off a lot at the time”. Ruth’s comments further highlight the consequences of managing distress alone, describing a history of feeling “lost in” and “out of control” with her own distress, almost overwhelmed by it. Pamela however reflects on dealing with the consequences of sharing; “I told the social worker there and she had to report it to the state what happened and stuff and then my ex-husband got angry with me for saying something, blah, blah, blah.” Both overwhelming distress and the consequences of sharing are likely to reinforce one’s tendency to avoid disclosures or support from others.

3.6.2 The difficulty and emotion of self-reflection

The interview process itself uncovered the psychological consequences of self- reflection. For some the difficulty of articulating emotional experiences or the tearfulness that came with doing so, was suggestive of the emotion of engaging in the interview itself. For instance Paula’s tearfulness seemed to represent the unresolved distress of historical events.In contrast Pamela had a tendency to giggle when reflecting on difficult early experiences;

“… and if you were a good student you got the doll with the red hat and if you were a bad student you got the doll with the black hat and I always [giggle] got the doll with the black hat which made me feel very low and worthless and stuff like that.”

Pamela’s behaviour appears to be a defence against the embarrassment or discomfort of potentially exposing her true emotions to the interviewer. For some women, the

embarrassment and uncertainty about sharing with the interviewer was highlighted in their difficulties in articulating themselves:

Paula:“Erm I don't know, I don't suppose erm when you’re a kid you know/you know constantly the fights, fights would go on and you know I don't/I don't ever remember/I look back at being a child but I don't ever remember being unhappy but there’s no

particular/there’s little things that stick in me mind about…”

This comment and others illustrates specifically the need to be understood rather than judged by the interviewer;

Beverly:“… it’s like you think would I be this person if I wasn’t fat. Which sounds stupid but it’s not my personality; there is nothing wrong with my personality”.

The definitiveness with which Beverly spoke may have helped defend against the threat of judgement that she anticipated from the interviewer.

There was an effort on the part of the women to portray that they had accepted the behaviour of others and moved on, illustrated in ‘that’s just how it is’ phrases. Despite these efforts at acceptance, the phrase seemed to contradict the feelings expressed in regards to these very relationships. Gillian acknowledges how her maternal relationship was different to

the norm “If you had a problem you went to your nan. Me mum was more like an older sister. That sounds terrible doesn’t it? But that’s the way it was.” Her attempt at acceptance is contradicted by an indication of her own self-criticism “That sounds terrible doesn’t it?”. Again when discussing her relationship with food Gillian’s ‘that’s just how it is’ phrase is contradicted by an indication of her own self-judgement; “And that sounds silly doesn’t it? But that’s the way,…”. It seems that a variety of linguistic comments and difficulties with articulation may have represented some emotional dissonance. Such efforts to defend against judgement and withhold the emotion of self-reflection seem to indicate the risks that

reflection posed to their potentially fragile self-worth.