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New York City is trying to land the Democratic Convention. But its too late now. I have already launched the Candidate right here in New York in open Convention. Mr. Wm. G. McAdoo was in to look our Show over the other night.1 I introduced him to the Audience and had the distinction of
nominating him for President.
I thought it was hard. I had read a lot about these Conventions where someone would get up and make the nominating speech and get a lot of credit for it. Why, it’s a cinch; I wasn’t scared a bit. We had Delegates from every State, too, and they all seemed to agree. But I just pulled one of those old fashioned Penrose things and rode rough shod right over everything and put my man over.2
He was accompanied by the financial Department of the Democratic Party, Mr. Barney Baruch.3Any likely candidate does well to be accompa-
nied by Mr. Baruch. That’s what comes of his being the Party’s only rich man. Of course, if he was a Republican, he would be no novelty. They are all mangey with dough.
Well, anyway, after the show they came back to my dressing room which showed they were not displeased with my excellent selection. But Mr. McAdoo has a pretty good sense of humor founded on facts; he said, “Why did you launch me so soon, Will? It gives People time to look up my record.” You see he remembers what the Republicans did the last time they nominated so unexpectedly, and fast, and late that people had no chance to investigate the candidate.
The more people study about you, nowadays, the less they think of you. Mr. Baruch came back stage to make me apologise as one time I called him the Freylinghausen of the Democratic Party.4So I did apologise. I told
him it was said in the heat of Political battle.
There have been lots of Presidents and prospective Presidents in to see the Follies but McAdoo is the only one ever nominated in there. Now, who he was and what he has done in the past: You remember during the war, well, he practically took charge of the home end of that encounter. If there was some important position and you didn’t know who was occupying it,
that was him. His name was embroidered on every Railroad towel and doily from the rum running coast of Maine to the Iowa settled shores of sunny California and each job had a private Secretary for him. Well, he had to speak to them in Battalions every morning or he wouldn’t get around to them all. Why, a little job like being President and having to run but the United States, that would be a vacation for him. We would have to dig him up something for his spare time—fix him up some side line.
When I played in Washington last year I met the 10 men who took his place. When the Democrats were let out on account of a short circuit of votes, why, he got a job in the Movies where we all go when we want to re- cuperate our finances.
He was Lawyer of Uncle Dug and Aunt Mary.5But nobody sued them,
and they didn’t have a divorce, so they let him go. A film star can’t afford to keep a lawyer if he is having no Breach of Promise Cases or Divorces.
He first started into Politics by digging the McAdoo Tunnel from New York under the Hudson River to Jersey.6That came about in rather a strange
way. Prohibition was coming on, and he was digging a Cellar and acciden- tally come up in Jersey. Since then they have all dug straight down to save such another calamity.
He made a race of Ground Hogs out of New Yorkers. It’s only during certain hours that they ever come up for air.
Now some of you might think that my convention was not bonafide because I did not nominate a Vice President. Well, that is generally done through malice, and I hold no Vice Presidential malice toward no one.
Now, of course, at various times, I may nominate other Presidential Candidates either on one side or the other, as the Presidential Market fluc- tuates. You see conditions in this country change so rapidly that a man who would be a good President today might, tomorrow, be entirely unsuited for the job.
Now, take the case of W. J. Bryan; he would make an ideal Sunday President.7But would be an absolute liability on week days.
Some men would be good Night Presidents. They might have a Dress Suit and look well behind a Banquet Table. Some men are congenial, can tell a good story, play a fair game of Golf and consequently make ideal Week end Presidents.
Now the same thing applies to Governors. Look at the case of Al Smith of New York State.8He was a dandy Governor till he had a decision to
make.
Then again, perhaps in a few months our Politicians will change. They will have forgotten about Europe and how we are needed there and com- mence to think of home here. You know Politicians, after all, are not over a year behind Public opinion.
Now, I am going out in the Movies and I may pick up just the Type for President, as you know everything comes down to Movies sooner or later. I may pick up a couple and cast one for each Party. I understand just the type of man you all want. We want a man in there who can handle men, and man who when his Hired Help gets to acting up, down at the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue, can hop in his car, go down there and tell ’em who is Boss and where to head in. Don’t confer with them—just soak ’em.
You see the class of help a President gets in the Senate and Congress since immigration has been restricted. You can’t treat them with kindness. A Congressman or Senator is not used to kind treatment, even at home, so you have got to be rough with those Birds. Use a little Florida methods on them.
I’ll find the fellow for you. It may take a little time but I will find the type yet.
Well, to get our mind off Politics, our old headliner, Mr. Stillman, bobbed up across the front page this week.9He has walked out on another
one.
He ought to grow a long Beard and take King Benjamin’s place in the House of David.10Flo says she wants him to continue her allowance of
1500 Berries monthly.11If she can get him to do it, and she can do as well
on it as she has on just that much in the past, she will own New York—if she can get him to keep it up for another year.
She says she didn’t get even as much as a man would allow his own wife. That’s a very poor comparison, ’cause a Wife is the cheapest thing you can get in the long run in the Female line. Why, if 90 percent of the Wives in this country ever got an allowance of $1500 in their lifetime they would have their husbands examined by a lunacy commission.
She says she don’t know how she is going to educate little Sturdie on an 85 thousand dollar Apartment house and 50 thousand dollars worth of Diamonds. I would advise her not to raise him on diamonds. That is what is the matter with part of this country now.
Why 85 thousand, where I was born in the old Indian Territory, there wasn’t that much money in the whole Cherokee Nation. For a hundred thou- sand you could have bought the whole State of Oklahoma. And after you bought it, if you happened to have 14 dollars over, you could bought Kansas.
’Course I guess it has advanced now. I haven’t been there in years. Chances are it has doubled since then. Still, both States managed to turn out some pretty good Sturdies.