harms. Some participants (6) intimated that their pursuit of celibacy did not lead to deficits in psychological health or well-being, or that it improved it in some way, though they were generally equivocal about its benefits to well-being beyond spirituality as a form of coping. Simultaneously, many participants (9) reported that they experienced significant psychological stressors as a GCC that led to the development or exacerbation of anxiety, depression, and/or suicidality. A couple of participants remarked on the dissonance celibacy caused, which had negative psychological impacts:
Side B actually became damaging to my . . . mental, emotional, and even physical health, because I was . . . spending so much time consumed by this worry, and I think that honestly, part of the reason that I kind of lived this promiscuous lifestyle was because I had kind of bottled up my
emotions, because I didn't want to fall in love. And so, it kind of came out in other ways, and more unhealthy ways. . . . Side B . . . comes with a lot of baggage that I couldn't handle. . . . I felt this intense loneliness almost all the time. Even when I was around friends. . . . I was so consumed with loneliness, and heartache, and that desire for a connection with someone.
(P09, ex-celibate)
However, it was difficult to determine the extent to which celibacy alone contributed to psychological harm because most participants (10) reported having pre-existing
psychological comorbidities such as depressive or suicidal symptomatology from a young age, and some (4) described a history of molestation or abuse.
GCC was associated with significant emotional pain and instability for many (8), leading to impoverished functioning and development. A few (3) spoke of the struggles of celibacy as leading to negative affectivity, including inwardly directed shame; a few (3) spoke of their struggles as inhibiting their productivity and functioning, sometimes stunting their personal and career development; and many (7) spoke of celibacy as being associated with pain which led to frustration, desperation, or hopelessness about the prospect of remaining celibate and happy long-term:
One of my fears is like, I'll be this old person. And . . . the state will have to institutionalize me because there won't be anyone there to like put me in a home or pay for it. So, I'll just be like, dying in this sterile, cold place away from anyone I know, losing my mind, just sort of being alone. (P06, celibate)
Harms in sociality and development of unhealthy relationships were also alluded to by most (10) participants, especially in light of the long-term impacts loneliness had.
Though a few (3) felt they were acutely managing loneliness well, they worried how well they could do so in the future. More commonly, participants (5) described feeling alone, invisible to, or rejected from the communities in which they were embedded, or as if they did not fit into society. A couple of participants mentioned that their loneliness caused them to withdraw from important relationships, exacerbating their sense of isolation.
Relatedly, celibacy contributed to the development of maladaptive social skills and
formation of unhealthy, codependent relationships for some (5), like this participant who created a very meaningful but complicated (mostly heterosexual) friendship group with others who had similar mental struggles:
We were very emotionally authentic. It was not unusual to disclose emotions, which I think is something that people often reserve for their romantic relationship. Because I didn't have it [emotional intimacy], and because I was trying to get it, I think I helped create something that was . . . a more beautiful spiritual type of community. And obviously, . . .
especially with the mental health disorders, the co-dependence got real messy. . . . The problems that a lot of people . . . deal with in their romantic relationships, we dealt with in friendships—which has another level of dysfunction and difficulty, because there's more people involved.
It's kind of like trying to have polyamorous relationship, right? So, there's a difficulty that went along with it. . . . I'm so anti co-dependence now after that experience. (P01, ex-celibate)
In terms of spiritual health, a few participants (3) felt that celibacy had not led to any deficits in their spiritual health and well-being. On the other hand, some (6) shared experiences of feeling abandoned by God or spiritual communities, or struggling to maintain their faith. Some (5) described how the authoritarian and fear-based religiosity that initially influenced them to choose celibacy was ultimately damaging and
destructive, while others (4) noted that they developed harmful views of God as rejecting,
despotic, distant, and/or punitive, which deleteriously affected them and their affective states:
And it affected my relationship with God as well, how I viewed God. I almost thought that I have to . . . get into a work frenzy. I’d work myself beyond where I would sleep trying to keep myself occupied. And then I just started to blame God for being a hard taskmaster. . . . It was almost like I gave myself the work order, forging God's name to it, and he [was]
like ". . . You look at those work orders, and you'll find those aren't my signatures." (P07, celibate)
To understand and cope with some of the emotional pain and dissonance associated with celibacy, a few (3) described adapting their religious beliefs, though they maintained their beliefs about homosexuality and celibacy intact because, as some (6) reported, to change those convictions would have created intolerable dissonance and anguish for them.
Instead of giving up on their faith or changing beliefs which they considered foundational to Christianity, they modified seemingly less crucial theological stances to accommodate shifting understandings of their sexuality or to justify their inability to remain chaste as a means of self-preservation:
That whole period of my life was just so complicated and confusing. . . . I would absolutely say that conservative Christianity was always my center.
And, no matter what . . . form of it I was exploring . . . at the time, it was always traditional Christianity. It was always the . . . traditional ethic. . . . But maybe I could frame sexuality in a way that is benign. . . . It was a
bargaining with my traditional worldview. . . . It's almost like, the best way to see that whole period of my life was a bargaining, being in a dialogue, being held hostage by this traditional worldview and trying to bargain with it and make deals with it. (P08, ex-celibate)
Secondary analysis underscored how only current celibates (6) indicated they had not suffered any psychological harms because of celibacy (though most could not articulate any psychological benefits), or that they (3) had not suffered any spiritual harms, while all ex-celibates described harms in multiple areas. This analysis corroborated literature-based assumptions that ex-celibates would be more likely to describe harms than current proponents of celibacy.
Category 5.3: For ex-GCCs who experienced significant psychological and