I DENTIFICACIÓN DECLARANTE
4.4 Discurso Referido en los relatos del Acusado
Almost all parents, regardless of their disclosure decision, expressed worries and concerns how children will feel in the future, and what other parents are doing.
5.3.5.1 HOW CHILDREN WILL FEEL
Two themes were identified within this framework:
1. ABOUT BEING DIFFERENT
I. Reactions in teenage years II. Other children being unkind
2. ABOUT DONOR INFORMATION
I. Inability to trace donors
II. Preparing children for the unknown
THEME 1: ABOUT ‘BEING DIFFERENT’
Some disclosing parents were concerned that their children might feel different and/or distressed about their conception
The worry is always that it will cause them some distress, you know, because you don’t want your children to feel in any way upset or sad or hurt or you know, so that would be my only concern, is that they’re, they're growing up slightly DIFFERENT to a lot of the other children they will come across. D/SMC/twin sons-‐3 (AB/DD/A)
Parents were particularly concerned about two aspects:
Reactions in teenage years
Most disclosers worried how their children will feel as they enter adolescence, and their need for understanding their identity forms:
I just have worries about how he is going to, because it's, you know, it's unpredictable isn't it? You can't predict how he is going to adapt into teenage-‐hood and then adulthood and how he's going to deal with it.
D/SMC/son-‐5 (AB/DD/A)
Other children being unkind
Some disclosing parents were concerned that other children may be unkind to their children because they are donor-‐conceived. This fear indicates that, like non-‐disclosing parents, some disclosers perceived that there is stigma
associated with being donor conceived:
Children usually use points of difference to be unkind to each … you know... <child’s> Mummy and Daddy aren’t even her real Mummy and Daddy, something like that. D/MC/daughters-‐6 and 4 (AB/DD/A)
THEME 2: ABOUT DONOR INFORMATION
Parents also worried how children might feel about their donors, and two subthemes were extracted:
Inability to trace donors
Where anonymous donors had been used, parents were apprehensive about how their child might feel about the inability to trace them, and how this might impact on their offspring’s emerging sense of identity:
The only area that I retain any element of uncomfortable-‐ness about it, if you like, is that one about the anonymity aspect... I wonder if, when they get older, they will want more information than they have.. I suppose I just feel potentially a little bit sad for them. D/SMC/twin sons-‐3 (AB/DD/A)
A different mother hoped that unlike children who have been conceived using identifiable donors and the uncertainties this entails, her children might feel a sense of clarity by knowing that they will never have future contact with donors. Nonetheless, she still worried how her children would feel:
It’s quite clear you know my answer to them is you can’t, we will never know.... So it’s quite clear and in the way there is clarity in that no, rather than when you are 18 you might be able to you know. I worry how they’ll feel about that D/SMC/daughter-‐4 and son-‐2 (AB/DD/A)
Preparing children for the unknown
Parents who used identifiable donors also worried about how their children might feel in the future. Their concerns centred on whether, or not, the donors would welcome future contact, thus parents were cautious not to raise their offspring’s hopes too much:
I can tell him what he’ll be able to-‐what he can expect...But obviously, I don’t know his donors…I have to…in managing that, to try and prepare him for… the unknown, we just don’t know. D/SMC/son-‐7 (UK/DD/I)
Parents experience worries irrespective of whether or not they have used identifiable donors. Although the nature of worries differs, concerns about what impact donors will have on children’s feelings in the future were universal. Isaksson, Sydsjo, Skoog Svanberg, and Lampic (2014) also found that disclosers were apprehensive about who the donors are, what they are like, and what might happen in the future with regards to possible contact. Hahn and Craft-‐ Rosenberg (2002) identified similar concerns and suggested that parents would benefit from counselling and coping strategies to manage possible future
scenarios
5.3.5.2 ARE OTHER PARENTS TELLING?
Regardless of their disclosure stance, most parents were concerned about whether or not other parents were disclosing, and two themes were identified:
1. IS EVERYONE ELSE TELLING? 2. IMPACT OF LYING
THEME 1: IS EVERYONE ELSE TELLING?
Most non-‐disclosers were particularly concerned about whether other parents were telling their children. One mother became emotional when describing her uncertainty of the future. She wished to disclose, but was not sure how she would do so. She wanted to seek reassurance from the researcher that other parents felt similar to her and that other parents were also not disclosing:
I do think about when I’m going to tell them and HOW I’m going to tell them because I will eventually but you know. I don’t know I mean you you’re in a obviously you have spoken to a lot of people, you know, I don’t know what other people’s situation is.. is what I’m saying kind of what some people are saying? ND/MC/twin sons-‐7 (UK/ED/I)
A couple of other non-‐disclosing parents were also emotional during the interviews, especially when considering whether to tell their children in the future. This level of emotion suggests insecurity of non-‐ disclosure. None of the non-‐disclosing families knew of, or had any contact with other donor-‐conceived families so were unaware whether their feelings, and actions, are the same as other parents. In contrast, almost all disclosers know other donor-‐conceived families who they could to talk to, share ideas and make comparisons with.
THEME 2: IMPACT OF ‘LYING’ TO CHILDREN
The majority of disclosing parents were incredibly concerned about the possible repercussions of non-‐disclosure. They strongly thought that children should be told, and viewed the concealment of ED/DD conception as deceitful and
dishonest:
They have the right to know how they came about because you're telling a really fundamental lie otherwise, aren't you? Or even if you're lying by omission. I think it can be really detrimental to them in later life, not to know. Because they're going to find out somehow.
D/SMC/son-‐5 (AB/DD/A)
You must be honest with children. Yeah. Wow, what a mistake if you don’t. What a mistake, what a betrayal...it’s a terrible thing to do to your children because they will probably find out. D/SMC/twin sons-‐8 (UK/DD/IA)
Some non-‐disclosers actually considered that concealment was indeed lying to their children, and were considerably emotional thinking about how their
children might feel about this and how it might affect parent-‐child relationships:
The uncertainness about what lies ahead in time in terms of letting him know, you know historically where he’s come from and stuff like that…. So that’s the only difficulty I feel, personally. … It’s almost like keeping a big secret, it’s almost like lying isn’t it. ND/MC/son-‐3 (UK/ED/I)
I feel it would break my heart to tell them because it would be like saying you know you’re not really ours and your whole life has been a lie, which makes me feel (mother gets upset). ND/MC/twin sons-‐7 (UK/ED/I)
Non-‐disclosers fundamentally thought that disclosure was the ‘right’ thing to do. Therefore there is discord between what they think is best, and what they are actually doing i.e. maintaining non-‐disclosure. This fits in with literature (Golombok et al., 2013; Ilioi & Golombok, 2015) where disclosing parents demonstrated less anxiety compared to non-‐disclosers, or those who disclosed later (Mac Dougall et al., 2007).
Section summary and comparison with adopters
Disclosing ED/DD parents and adopters worried how their children will feel once they fully understand all details about their conception/adoption. Specific concerns were expressed that they would experience negative reactions for being ‘different’, and that children will be upset when they understand the lack of genetic connections. They wanted to install resilience in their children so that they can deal with this in the future. Non-‐disclosing ED/DD parents were also concerned about their children’s feelings, from the perspective of the impact of learning they are donor-‐conceived. This was difficult for non-‐disclosers to contemplate because they generally thought that disclosure was the ‘right’ thing
to do; yet they were maintaining non-‐disclosure, which caused anxiety. Parents were apprehensive about suitably preparing their children for the possibility of meeting their birth families/donors. Based on their history of providing
inadequate care, adopters were worried that birth parents might cause their children harm and wanted to minimise this whilst preparing their children for all eventualities. ED/DD parents were anxious about the ‘unknown’, in
particular, how children might feel about not being able to trace their anonymous donors, and the potential disappointment if donors do not want future contact. Finally, parents were concerned about what other parents in a similar circumstance to them were doing. Non-‐disclosers wanted reassurance that other parents were also not disclosing, whereas disclosers were concerned about the repercussions of donor conception concealment. Adopters had less concerns about this overall, perhaps this is due to the assumption that adoptive parents will disclose.
Overall, this section raised some important findings about the complex nature of disclosure. The implications of this and recommendations for current practice are made in Chapter 9. The following chapter focuses on the disclosure-‐related support for adoptive families.