Discusión de los resultados

I’ve understood a great deal since that last experience. It has brought in such turmoil, such strong jolts that even physically I might have wondered, “Was I dreaming or was it real?”

In the past several months this body has been subjected to every possible difficulty one after another, sometimes all together, with relentless violence. Yet I am coming to under-

stand more and more how this is the indispensable preparation so the experience can become established in a permanent way in the most material world.

If the experience stayed permanently, it would be some- thing very close to omnipotence. At the time, I felt there was no such thing as impossibility – truly a sensation of omnipo- tence. It is not omnipotence, because there is always a greater omnipotence. But in terms of the material world, it was clearly very different from all that has ever been seen or heard or told in every known tradition. At that moment there was the “something” that sees, decides – and it is done.

It did not stay.

It stayed above, but not here.

Yet it has imparted the physical consciousness with some measure of self-confidence in the sense that when I see something now, I am sure of it; there are no more hesitations: “Is this right or not? Is this true or not?” When I see, there is certitude. In other words, there is really a great change in the material consciousness.

But that prodigious power is no longer there. If it had stayed the way it was during that night, obviously many things would now be different.

Evidently, the body needed a very severe test, because from a personal standpoint, it’s the only explanation I can find for all the current physical disorders.

Yet, for more than a year now, this body hasn’t felt its limits. It is not at all its former self, no longer a body in a sack of skin. It is scarcely more than a concentration, an agglomer- ation of vibrations.

Even the functional disorders don’t have the same mean- ing for the body as they do for doctors, for instance, or for ordinary people. The body feels them rather as a kind of difficulty in adjusting to a new vibratory need.

And it has a kind of extraordinary smile toward every- thing.

To each blow it receives, it responds with in an attitude of total surrender. It’s a state of perpetual adoration where all the cells vibrate with the joy of Love.

At the end of the day, after the accumulation of things I receive from people and all the work I do, when I have to push and to pull myself up the stairs because my legs feel like two iron rods and do not respond to willpower – even then, the body doesn’t protest. It starts walking back and forth while repeating the mantra, and after half an hour it is infinitely better.

Pain does not prevent this body from doing anything at all. Pain isn’t a factor, or rather it’s a factor that can be easily dealt with.

Yesterday, to make it happy, I wrote down (it’s the body speaking): “If this latest difficulty is useful for Your Work, so be it. But if it is an effect of my own stupidity, then I beseech You to cure me of this stupidity as quickly as possible.”

It didn’t ask to be cured of the illness. “All right,” it said, “as long as I can keep going, I will keep going. All I am asking is to be cured of my stupidity.”

Yet from a psychological standpoint there is not the slightest shadow in the picture. Even from the material stand- point, the body is bathed in a tremendous accumulation of force and power.

Even though this Presence is felt, perceived and experi- enced, there is still the physical disorder. The problem is matter, probably cellular matter, not responding to willpower. Each time I climb the stairs, I try to find the way of infusing the Will to counteract that lack of response – but I still haven’t found it.

It is a great mystery.

What Sri Aurobindo calls “the Great Secret.”

It is so clear that even our highest, most luminous intelli- gence cannot understand anything. It is even foolish to try.

All our aspirations, our seekings, our ascents feel like flowers to me – quivering, luminous, delicate, lovely, ethereal

– but that’s not it. It is the very nature of things that must change.

Whereas when that feeling of absoluteness comes, it carries everything with it. Even “absolute” is not strong enough a word. I don’t know how to express it. Nothing but that Absolute exists. There is only that.

And there is no individual participation; it’s a decision coming straight from the Supreme. There is only one thing you can do: annul yourself as much as possible. If you can annul yourself totally, then the experience is total. And if this “self-annulment” could be permanent, the experience would be permanently there. But that’s still far away.

So all this must be a preparation. Lots of things need to be cleared away before that Absolute can settle for good. That makes sense.

What also makes sense – annoyingly so – is that people, including those who see me all the time, understand nothing. During the last episode, they thought I was on my way out! This spoils the atmosphere terribly. Their faith is not suffi- ciently enlightened for them to keep calm without question- ing.

If I were thirty or forty years old, they wouldn’t be affected. [Mother is 83]. But unfortunately they think about my age all the time and that creates a negative atmosphere. “After all,” they think, “Mother is old.”

All the usual nonsense.

If I were alone somewhere and didn’t have to look after all these people and things, it would be easier. But that would not be the true thing, either. Because when I had this last experi- ence of the Supramental Force in the body, all that is normally in my care was present in the experience. There was no sense of individuality. In fact, I can’t even find any individuality in my own body. What I find in this body are the subconscious vibrations of a world of things.

So this work can only be done on a large scale, otherwise it’s the same old story.

Indeed, all substance is one. We constantly forget that! We always have a sense of separation, but that is total falsehood. It’s because we keep relying on our senses. But it’s not true at all. The moment one’s consciousness changes, all this separa- tion, all this division completely vanishes.

It would seem that if one wants to use his individuality, his body, to transform the whole, that is, to use his bodily presence to act upon the universal corporeal substance, there’s no end to it. No end to the difficulties, no end to the battle!