The prevalence of self-criticism, particularly in Western culture, is a matter of concern, in Buddhism and psychology, because it distorts our relationships with ourselves and others and separates us from our true nature. Such a disconnection holds destructive potential for the individual but there are wider implications because it can also foster damaging behaviour (Welwood, 2000). Therefore, it is vital to understand sources of self-criticism, recognise the impossibility of perfectionism, learn to forgive ourselves for not being perfect (Jinpa, 2015) and then cultivate earnestly the antidote to self-hatred, which is the practice of self-compassion and loving-kindness (Rubin, 1975; Salzberg, 1997; Welwood, 2000; Neff, Kirkpatrick and Rude, 2007; Kornfield, 2008).
The inner-critic arises from fear of rejection and judgement and evaluation, it evolves primarily from childhood experiences in relation to parents and significant others (Germer, 2009; Gilbert 2009). The underlying purpose is to keep us safe, avoid judgement or rejection, to learn and improve (Neff, 2011a). However, it is common to internalise a sense of being wrong and inadequate, feel isolation, shame and engage in self-attacking as a result (Neff, 2003a; Gilbert and Choden, 2013). An inner-critic can be present as one’s own voice or the internalised voice of another, either way it is powerful and poses as the truth, when it is actually a judgement. Working on the inner- critic is challenging, in August 2012, during the first Mindful Self-compassion training course to be held in the UK, I encountered the Inner-Critic exercise, here is the note from my reflective training log:
The exercise on ‘Motivating ourselves with Self-compassion really shook me up. Recognising how much pain, hurt and disablement my inner-critic had caused made me very angry; I had no kind words to offer to it. When Kristin suggested some phrases, they did not resonate because I feel I deserve the criticism. I felt distressed and then shut down emotionally, I was unable to do the written exercise or the compassionate letter to self. I thought about clients who have savage critics inside their heads, I wonder how this exercise would be for them; my own inner-critic is bad enough!
I engaged in further MSC work on my inner-critic between 2012 and 2014, which involved recognising the tone of the voice in my head, the impact in my body, then soothing myself in response to this and trying to bring a more compassionate voice. However, I still had not fully engaged with this work because my inner-critic would drown out kind words with harsh ‘truths’. I also felt shame over the presence of my inner-critic, which would mock “if you were any sort of half decent psychologist, mindfulness teacher or Buddhist you should have got this sorted by now!” In the MSC Teacher Training in July 2014, I decided to face it, commit to the Inner-Critic exercise and see what unfolded. Figure 5.2, below, shows what I recorded in my MSC training log:
Figure 5.2. Inner-critic Work recorded in MSC Training Log
I remember staring at the page with a sad and heavy heart, realising not only did I carry all this pain around, but these critical and punitive ‘facts’ have nearly driven me into the ground. The request to offer kind words to the inner-critic still felt impossible so, to counter the anger and ambivalence felt, I decided to externalise this demon and
I have had several encounters with Moose, they are strong and imposing beings, if you keep your distance they appear calm and peaceful but at close quarters they can be temperamental and aggressive. A wilderness guide in Canada told me that if a person was mean and nasty they were called an ‘8by8’ which equates to the number of points on each side of the antlers of a fully grown adult Moose. My inner-critic was definitely a fully-grown 8by8 moose; here is a likeness of her:
5.5 The Moose
In part 6 of the Inner-Critic exercise, a compassionate and kind voice emerged this time, hesitantly saying: “you… don’t need to be perfect to be ok”. This time, the words flowed right into me; I felt the truth of them, which brought deep relief. My recognition of being OK diluted the feeling of fear and from this position I could begin to see that most of The Moose’s declarations were untrue. I also felt more able to face the possibility that some of the criticisms may be true and rather than this being proof of my inadequacy, I could accept these shortcomings as part of being human. Through seeing this more clearly, I felt motivated to respond for my own wellbeing rather than feeling defensive, defective and, therefore, avoidant and undeserving. I experienced what Neff (2003b) predicted; that the more self-compassionate we are, the greater willingness there is to accept failings and be motivated to make positive change. Additionally, through awareness of the pain and sadness from the impact of my harsh words, rather than making a situation worse by inwardly and sometimes outwardly, shouting at myself, I began to respond with kindness. Caring for my feelings in this way was more helpful, less hurtful and helped me stop fuelling the proliferation in my mind (Gilbert and Irons, 2005; Neff, Kirkpatrick and Rude, 2007).
Journal: 1 October 2014
Inner-critic present, I feel low, had to work at just sitting for a few minutes.
Feelings of sadness and heaviness in my chest. The Moose reinforces one of my bottom-lines of not being good enough - the rule is that I have to work harder than everyone else to the highest standard in order to be any good at all (Fennell, 1999). My critical thoughts are: You do not work hard enough, write well enough, obviously you are not smart enough. I mindfully breathed with the sadness and dejection that arose then compassionately said to myself “you work too hard, you want to do something well because it matters but the judgement you heap upon yourself eclipses this and distorts the view”. I gazed at the outline of my body reflected in my computer screen, I felt moved as I looked at myself and allowed loving kindness to fill my heart. I smiled warmly, feeling deep gratitude for the person that I see, glad that she is alive on this earth. I could see that this is a truer picture, it feels good and the Moose slinks off into the woods.
When I offered compassion and soothed the feeling of sadness over this struggle, I found ease but sometimes there is resistance, due to feeling that being compassionate was letting myself off the hook. I know this view is incorrect but old habits cling on, I am learning that it takes time for the mind to change and this requires an ongoing commitment to continually develop these skills to enable compassion to flow (Csikszentmihalyi, 1992). As my awareness develops I am more able to notice the acutely painful impact of judgment and this generates a sense of urgency to repair the damage. I have also learned the futility of trying to fix something through liberally applying meditation or MSC exercises; I have tried it, and failed, many times (Germer, 2009). Essential parts of the process, through contemplative practice, are learning to accept, understand cause and effect and skillfully respond to what arises (Sumedho, 2010). This process is akin to fully inhabiting the foothills and valleys and taking time to get to know the landscape in detail rather than always striving for results or the success of the ascent (Shepherd, 1977).
The Moose often operates imperceptibly, powerfully and without question, making declarations of inadequacy, blaming, pouring out insults and sarcasm and raining down endless negative judgements. It says things like: What is wrong with you? You have no
When I investigate this diatribe, it is no wonder that I ruminate, overreact, blame, and experience reactive depression and anxiety. Maladaptively, I would do anything to escape this pain, usually through overcompensation, over working or employing the safety behaviour of avoidance to protect myself from failure. Now, when something goes wrong, I am more able to see what actually happened, what was needed and acknowledge how I feel rather than be dictated to by distorted and destructive views. Whilst this considerably quietens The Moose, she can creep out of the undergrowth at any point and go on the attack; in the face of this I can find it hard to initiate a compassionate response.
Research Journal: 29 August 2016
Right now, writing this first draft, I am thinking this is a complete mess, sobbing, I say to P, I just can’t fucking do this, I hate what I am writing, I have been going round in circles for weeks, I don’t think I have it in me to carry on. He hugs me and says “let me just check”… he places his hand on my chest, smiles and says, “no… its ok, the heart is still in there”. Such a deeply wise and
compassionate response. He then asked, “Is it as bad as you think it is?” I shouted “Yes, you have NO idea, all the time I am writing I can hear you have failed, its not good enough”. He looked at me intently and asked “all the work you have done before, what has the feedback been?” Reluctantly I replied, “it has been very good, no one has said I am not capable, people have said they are delighted and honoured to be involved”. I know this is true, but still feel sick; I sit here now acknowledging and soothing the anxiety and distress.
When I feel dispirited, vulnerable and uncertain, my inner-critic just tramples over me. In this mind-set I question the quality of my MSC practice; if it was really any good, how come I feel like this and I am not automatically soothing myself? Then I remember that awareness of this struggle is the practice, this enables me to see where kindness and compassion are most needed and respond appropriately. I can then say to The Moose; “see, I am not rubbish at self-compassion and, by the way, I do not need to be perfect”.
For many, improving self-esteem through self-improvement is a moving and receding target, as the habit of self-judgment outruns all efforts to overcome it… Among Western Buddhist practitioners, this experience is often unresponsive to healing through sīla or mindful awareness, leading many to seek more targeted practices such as mindful self-compassion and