Here is where the rubber meets the road in aviation. So, depending on the day, this will be your indoctrination with how insane it is to operate throughout the greater China arena. Sometimes things go smoothly, most of the time it’s a cluster-fuck. I’m just going to list a bunch of items for your edification:
–The follow-me car:
Let’s lead off with this little jem. It doesn’t matter if the airport has 1 runway, 1 taxiway and a simple little terminal, you will follow the follow-me car. You WILL follow the follow me car in VMC, daytime and your gate is less than 100ft away. In all the time I was there I taxied in maybe once and possible twice without the close, “careful” assistance of a follow-me car (often you look and the driver is on his cellphone) for safety. GAY and RETARDED. Welcome to China you expat fools.
The function of the follow me car in the figure to the right (NOT PHOTOSHOPPED) was to guide us from our parking spot (from which we were just turning), down a dangerously straight yellow taxi line and… that’s it. Immediately to the left down at the end is the beginning of the “movement area” where the car isn’t allowed to drive. We had to wait a good 4 minutes for this guy to finally show up too. Have fun letting this not piss you off.
Page | 191 –Expedite taxi:
You may have 2 airplanes in front of you and 3 on final approach, but if the tower gets a bug up their ass they’re going to be telling you to hurry the F up. I’ve been told to expedite taxi, expedite descent, expedite climb, be quick about pushing back, hurry up and takeoff, hurry hurry hurry. It doesn’t matter if it’s icy or raining… you’re going to be told to hurry up. Forget the fact that there is a QAR for taxiing in the straight-away more than 27kts (bumped up from the previous 25) or turning too fast (over 12kts). The tower said Hurry and you WILL comply! I just told them to blow me as often as I could.
–CRM? What CRM? Where? Huh?:
I’m just going to let y’all figure this one out for y’alls selves at this point, in celebratory spirit of the deeply rooted Maoist aversion to sharing information with anyone who is not you, the holder of said knowledge.
–Over the field:
How many times have I been radar vectored to an airport only to find out at the last second that we’re doing an overhead approach to join the downwind on the other side of the field? GRRRR! Boy I’ve laid into them on this one. Another one is when they switch runways and don’t tell ya. Oh, maybe it was transmitted in Chinese and the FO decided it was not salient. Sometimes he’ll just start reprogramming the FMS and you get to learn about it that way.
–Jeppesen charts are almost worthless, just use the dang Chinese plates:
Just like the little subheading says above, you might just as well get used to the dang Chinese charts. They suck ass, but they’re actually easier to use than the Jepps. Some airports are not published by Jeppesen because… I guess they’re secret or something and I guess there’s no way for the enemy to find them without charts so… whatever on that dude. Just fly and do whatever. And they think they’re going to start doing RNP operations. HA! They’re going to plant one on the side of a mountain, guaranteed. If you’re flying international (Korea for example), revert back to the Jepps of course. And keep your head on a swivel; the fuckup fairy is ever present.
–Constant (consistent) LOC intercept foul ups:
You will fly through the LOC more than once, daily at any and every airport you fly to. AHEM! Pardon me. Let’s start this one over from the beginning…
–Constant (consistent) LOC intercept foul ups:
You will be radar vectored to base and then forgotten about, have to query the controller who realizes what has happened at the last second and thereby receive a desperate heading to intercept a course that is already a mile behind you. So, then you have to radar vector yourself back to the course, intercept above the glideslope, increase your descent rate to catch it and end up with a QAR hard warning for excessive descent rate below 2000ft and high airspeed. Oh hell, it’s really not the controllers fault, he/she is just totally Chinese and can’t seem to fucking figure out how to paint inside the god-damned lines. Controllers at major airports, minor airports, airports in the middle of BFN all seem to have this lack of trigonometric facility. Am I angry? No, never. I’m not pissed off about this at all. It’s a happy day! Enjoy your fines, foreigners!
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Ya know what, I’ma interrupt this list with a short story that should complement the tower’s lack of vectoring skills at large:
So there I was, flying into XYZ sitting right seat for a new Chinese Captain. Well… you judge that title for yourself in a minute. We were on a modified right base (maybe 120o) with a stiff quartering tailwind about 2.5 miles from the centerline. It was a little busy. Tower saw it early and gave us a turn:
“Bohai 12345, turn right heading 210o
to intercept, cleared for the approach.”
What did this Captain do? He promptly turned to a heading of 210o. I mean, that’s what the tower said to do right?
So I spoke up: “Hey Cap, maybe a heading of 150o
to intercept would be better.” And he said anxiously: “Confirm that with the tower.”
HUH?!?
So, I confirmed it with the tower and he turned back to intercept… then we were high and fast and not configured. It was a mess. I didn’t get the QARs for this one at least…
Ed. note: We interpret this a little differently, thinking that the ATC controller was inept as well. On the back side, the Chinese captain above landed fully crabbed and ended up way off the centerline. I wonder when they’re going to collapse a main-gear at Tianjin Airlines?
–Weather and Flow Control in China:
If a drop of water falls to the ground, you can be sure the airspace system is being shut down and you will incur heavy delays. Metar? Inaccurate. TAF? Come now, after all you’ve read so far do you really think these people have the craft of forecasting the weather under their belts? I’ll bet dollars to donuts that they cut open chickens and analyze their liver to determine what’s going to happen next with good ol’ mother nature. Good luck. That is all.
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Page | 193 The person this is for knows who (s)he is. Hereby notified.
–Rotating Beacons
OK, this one is short and sweet. There are NO rotating airport beacons in all of China. Is it night and you’re looking for the airport? FUCK YOU, they be all stealthy an’ shit in Chinaland. –Chinglish:
For the love of God. OK, I’m prefacing this again with the caveat that the Chinese are wonderful people with a beautiful culture that goes back thousands of yadda yadda. But, due to the way humans use thier vocal chords, tongue, cheeks and lips when raised from birth as a native speaker of any given language (of which Chinese has to be diametrically opposed to English in the way one uses these body parts for speaking), one will tend to have an accent to some degree when speaking a second, foreign language. I only get puzzled looks from the Chinese whenever I try to speak their language for instance, and in this way, it always sounds like the Chinese have a mouthful of rocks when they try to speak English.
This isn’t really an insurmountable problem in every-day life (it can be cute and endearing if not frustrating); but, when you’re operating an airplane in congested airspace with congested frequencies in a team environment, it’s a recipe for disaster. “Five” sounds like “four” or even “seven” (somehow they manage this mispronunciation… that’s how bad it can get), “three” sounds like “six” and on and on. Sometimes you’ll get a transmission that even your local FO looks at you like the controller is from outer-space. What did he say? If you ever do decide to fly in China, make sure to verify anything you don’t catch. You’re going to be hearing a lot of verifying already; but, don’t hesitate to jump in among the flurry of exchanges between the FO and ATC to break off your own piece of the action.
–Micro-managed descents/climbs (Airbus doesn’t have this design philosophy yet…):
Because there is 1 way in and 1 way out of any given airport (indeed, route structure between any airport pair), you can imagine that it can get pretty congested. In this spirit, and not forgoing the fascist-like safety mentality the Chinese adore and excel at, you will be micromanaged during every descent and every climb you execute.
Page | 194 One… Two… Three… Ah-ah-ah… Here’s a quick example to piss you off, courtesy of Qingdao Air Traffic:
Tower—Bohai 7123, descend and maintain 3900 meters.
FO—Tower, Bohai 7123, confirm 3900 meters.
Tower—Roger Bohai 7123, descend and maintain 3900 meters.
FO—Roger, Bohai 7123, descend and maintain 3900 meters. FO (to CA)—Descend 3900 meters.
CA—3900 meters set.
FO—Roger, 3900 meters 12800 feet, set.
CA—…Uh OK. Flight Level Change.
FO—Checked!
The altitude alerter chimes, shortly after which the flight director/autopilot captures the pre-selected altitude and the autopilot initiates level off.
Tower—Bohai 7123, descend and maintain 3600 meters.
FO—Tower, this is Bohai 7123, please confirm 3600 meters.
Tower—Confirmed, 3900, I mean 3600 meters.
FO—Tower, confirm Three-Thousand, Six-Hundred meters?
Tower—3600 meters Bohai 7123. Expedite descent.
FO—Roger, 3600 meters, expedite descent. FO (to CA)—3600 meters, expedite descent.
CA—3600 meters set.
FO—Checked! 11800 feet!
CA—Flight Level Change.
FO—Checked!
The altitude alerter chimes, shortly after which the flight director captures the pre- selected altitude and the autopilot initiates level off.
Tower—Bohai 7123, descend and maintain 3000 meters.
FO—Tower, Bohai 7123, confirm 3000 meters and…
CA—
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Ed. note: It’s a damned good thing the Sesame Street Count isn’t working ATC in China; there’d be lightning strikes everywhere! Wait, there are lightning strikes everywhere.
Now, I know what you’re thinking here but I am NOT shitting you with this little excerpt above. The FOs making these radio calls are not inexperienced either, which should tell you something. THIS is the way they are taught to do things.
Now, to add insult to injury, most of the time ATC will confirm the altitude with you yet again when shipping you to the next sector controller (Bohai 7123 maintain 3600 meters, contact Beijing control on 123.45) which initiates a whole new flurry of altitude confirmations; the next controller will also confirm… It’s an altitude confirmation shit-ball free-for-all rolling downhill toward the farmhouse at full tilt.
I dare you to dare me to tell you about confirming squawk codes, taxi routes, holding short of the runway, clearance to land, clearance to takeoff, clearance to pushback, confirmation of what gate you’re at (even when in plain view of the tower and you’re the only airplane on the