Forming the therapeutic relationship becomes easier as participants express how they are able to create a connection with the therapist and the role that validation plays in this. They highlight the significance of being shown empathy, warmth and validation in developing and building a therapeutic alliance. This is an important aspect of their therapy relationship as it seems to be a precursor for healing to take place within their therapeutic journey. Pearl describes how she was able to develop a sense of connection with her therapist as a result of her demonstrating both empathy and a desire to listen:
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“I mean she was a nice lady and she showed empathy... She you know... Listened... She conversed back... Hmm... She conversed back in a way... Where... I would come out thinking I can’t believe I thought like that or thought about that... That’s right... That is it... you know...
And it is like... You spend years trying to get an answer... To something... And in a room suddenly the answers appear... something that maybe you have never thought before... and that’s what... and that happened quite a few times...” (Pearl, 146-154)
Communication and relating to the other seems to be an important aspect in therapy for Pearl.
According to her narrative, Pearl sought feedback and validation during therapy, which can only take place through conversing or connecting with the other. Her experience illustrates the power of communication in helping her find ‘answers’. Her therapist’s ability to connect with her, and facilitate thinking about her situation led to her experiencing ‘light bulb' moments during therapy. This is evidenced when she says ‘suddenly the answers appear’. Bella, below, interestingly describes that in addition to empathy, it was her therapist's reliability in always being there, as well as emotional robustness which made it possible for her to establish a connection:
“...And what I really appreciated that my therapist was... She was a really strong robust person... With so much empathy and understanding... so... She was able to... Come alongside me... And enter painful places with me... but... hmm... I suppose it is difficult to describe... I knew she was there with me throughout all the difficult moments []...What she was teaching me was about a safe wholesome good relationship and one where if cried... I wouldn’t be punished and if... I wouldn’t be punished... so she helped me to learn how to be... myself.”
(Bella, 75-86)
Bella’s experience captures the importance of having a ‘robust’ therapist- someone who is strong enough to enter difficult places with her given her fragile state. Bella’s story suggests that as a child she would be punished for expressing negative emotions and therefore she grew up learning not to express them. Therapy served to re-parent her by teaching her to be ‘herself’. At times she found it
‘difficult to describe’ the emotions and feelings she felt during her relationship, suggesting it may be something she’s never experienced before. Bella’s use of the word ‘wholesome’ can be interpreted as an inference made towards food suggesting that her relationship was nourishing and leading to better health. As her inter-personal relationships were violated as a child, she was unable to experience a
‘wholesome good relationship’. Terry, similarly to Betty, describes how she was able to connect with her therapist as a result of her coming across as trustworthy and someone she felt ‘safe’ to express herself to:
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“But for me I felt like I was talking to someone I felt comfortable and safe enough to share everything with... I knew it wouldn’t go outside...[ ] I feel such a connection with that lady before I left... I thought what... Maybe she’s been through something similar... No wonder she understands.” (Terry, 198-303)
Terry’s experience signifies the importance of trust where she says ‘it wouldn’t go outside’, highlighting her idea of a perceived ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ world. Her connection with the therapist and the therapy room was ‘inside’, signifying a warm, safe and contained environment as opposed to the unknown and uncertainty she experiences in the outside world. She mentions feeling a
‘connection’ with her therapist before the ending of her sessions, suggesting that the sharing of painful emotions in therapy can contribute towards building a connection with the therapist.
Furthermore, Terry expresses feeling a deep sense of affection for her therapist, and it led her to question if her therapist has gone through something similar given her ability to understand her well.
There appears to be a connotation again of the therapist feeling like an ‘insider’ or from the same team, someone who has experienced something similar. Lara, similar to Terry, felt connected to her therapist as she gave her the impression that she was ‘on her side’:
“And her kindness and her gentleness...Was so important... Makes me feel calm just thinking about it... Just being with her... You know... The actual just being with that person... It was...
It was... A lovely experience... I really felt like she was on my side... and that has had a profound effect on me... and I will carry that I am sure throughout my life... You know that feeling of support...and...hmm...That is very special to me... and it kind of gives me a buoyancy buoyancy... that I can take with me...” (Lara, 55-59)
The kind and gentle approach by the therapist in this scenario made Lara feel that she was on her side and left her with a feeling of buoyancy. Lara uses the word ‘calm’ to describe her experience, giving further weight to her notion of being ‘buoyant’, or floating with support. The approach taken by the therapist had an intense and deeply felt impact on Lara, which made her feel supported by just ‘being’
in the presence of the therapist. Lara’s tainted and restrictive childhood experiences are in stark contrast to her feelings when in the presence of her therapist. Thus, she felt the need to iterate how she felt ‘special’ suggesting that there was something unique and precious about her experience that she would like to hold on. Perhaps this was something she did not feel growing up, implying her desire to
‘take with’ her this new sense of security and safety.
In summary, this theme explored the connection participants encountered with their therapists during therapy and the importance of being validated. Their ability to express their difficult and painful emotions during therapy was made easier to achieve due to the therapist’s warm, reliable, trustworthy,
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robust and engaging manner as opposed to the ‘cold and robotic’ style experienced in the previous sub-theme. This enabled participants to build a rapport and a therapeutic alliance with more ease, as compared to when they felt disconnected and disengaged at the onset due to misattunement. In addition, sharing vulnerable parts of one-self can be very difficult, especially when one’s boundaries have been violated during childhood. Therefore it is particularly important that participants feel ‘safe’
enough in order to disclose these difficult feelings. For some of the participants, the ability to communicate freely with their therapist, without judgement, seemed to be an important aspect in helping them feel cared for and adequate. This leads us to the third sub-ordinate theme, “Feeling Accepted in Therapy”, where forming the therapeutic relationship is continued.