3.4.1 Category 8: Seeing emotions as meaningful and valuable
Within participants’ talk of emotions was a sense that there was something meaningful about experiencing emotions related to being human. Participants spoke of people needing to feel emotions (Grace; Kate), of emotions being part of one’s personality (Nadine), and of reacting with one’s heart and not just one’s head.
“I don’t know about other people, but my reactions are my emotions [...] I don’t think you can fully react with your head and not your heart […]You’re human.” (May)
Negative emotions were seen as inevitable when people open themselves up to the world around them.
“I think like the things that generate positive emotions are like also the things that generate negative emotions […]in the sense of engaging with the world.” [Maddie]
This was linked with the possibility of having a life and moving on.
“I know in order toget better and to improve my life I have to feel emotions. It’s […] part of life and I’m only just beginning to realise that.” [Mo]
Participants were starting to recognise that emotions can be useful, for example anger in helping you to express yourself better (Nadine), and anxiety in alerting you to be more cautious in certain situations (Claire). Expressing emotions, such as anger, was seen as helpful in making you feel better. These shifts in perspective appeared to be contingent upon the
87
learning that took place in therapy, particularly around identifying emotions, and making links between emotions and anorexia as an unhelpful way of coping.
3.4.2 Category 9: Connecting with self and others
In contrast to the passive acceptance and ambivalence characteristic of re-evaluating my relationship with emotions, participants spoke about actively connecting with their emotions. They described going beyond “intellectualising” (Maddie) about emotions, towards actually feeling them. Therapy played an important role in facilitating this. Maddie spoke about her therapist probing her about how she is feeling and following hunches. She also spoke of other strategies she would use to help her connect with how she was feeling, for example journaling. Grace had developed a strategy of talking to her emotions.
“If I’m feeling something so intense and I can’t put my finger on it […] I feel it in my body […] I’ll talk to it and ask it questions like what are you? why are you here?”. [Grace]
At times, participants appeared to connect with their emotions in the moment, for example when Rachel talked of the happiness her daughter brought to her life. Others could only imagine what such moments would be like but felt that it was something to strive for.
“Just if you’ve got mates, have a laugh. Laughing is an emotion. I don’t do that very often.” [Mo]
Participants spoke of connecting more with others as well as themselves, and described having started to talk about how they were feeling to friends and family. They also spoke of the importance of therapy as a safe space to say what is really going on for them, with someone who they felt understood. Despite having initial reservations about opening-up to others in this way and feeling out of their “comfort zone” (Maddie), many were surprised to find this helpful.
88
up talking about my emotions and it has been really helpful.” [Kate].
May described how opening-up more allowed her to see another way to cope, and to realise and move away from unhelpful behaviours3, thus feeding back into seeing through the
façade.
Beyond simply talking to other people, participants also expressed an interest more broadly in getting “back into the world” (Mo). For Sue, there was a link between engaging with those around her and getting to know herself.
“Once I know who I am that’s going to help in all areas […] in socialising […] with the eating […] coming to terms with who I am.” [Sue]
3.4.3 Category 10: Knowing, liking, and trusting the real me
Sue’s quote above links to the final category, highlighting the close relationship between relating to others and relating to oneself. It seemed important for participants at this phase in their journey to get to know the perceived ‘real’ them.
“And the biggest thing for me is I’m beginning to find out a little bit about who I am.
The real me.” [Sue]
Participants spoke about learning to like themselves (Rachel), or at least accepting themselves (May4). These descriptions contrast with how participants spoke of their pasts, for example “not really living as yourself” whilst taking drugs (Rachel), and keeping up a façade of everything being fine (Maddie). Part of this was being okay with one’s true feelings.
“It’s that confidence to be okay with yourself and your reactions to things.” [May]
3Taken from participant feedback on findings 4 Taken from participant feedback on findings
89
It was important for participants, having gone through a process of questioning their ways of coping and their ways of relating to emotions, to learn to trust themselves.
“So once you’ve learnt that the way that you were thinking wasn’t okay […] you just
need to trust yourself.” [Claire]
Participants talked about not having to rely on others (Sue; May), being treated like adults (Kate), and growing up (Mo). Many referred to therapy as the context in which they were starting to develop a greater sense of autonomy, and being able to regulate emotions was seen as an important part of this.
“I personally think that’s why emotions are SO relevant to my treatment […] it’ll definitely help me as a person because I’ll be a lot more content […] able to regulate myself. And not rely on other people.” [May]
In contrast to the dependency on others and rigid rules described earlier, participants sought flexibility and spontaneity.
“Recovery is freedom from the structure, from the rules, from the times.” [Sue]
Participants described gaining a new sense of identity. Some spoke of resilience (Sue) and the importance of feeling good about oneself (Sue; Maddie). Mo was beginning to explore questions around her sexuality in the hope that she might one day fall in love. For Rachel, it was important to have a fresh start and be seen as something else.
“Before a lot of people around me saw me as just [Rachel] with anorexia […] now
they’re seeing me a bit more as something else.” [Rachel]
There is a sense from participants’ accounts that facilitating personal growth and nurturing a more integrated sense of self should be a focus of therapy that may serve as a vehicle for more intrinsic change.
90
“[…] help patients discover what they enjoy/find contentment from […] a hobby, education, travelling, spending time with others […] it highlights to someone with little hope that they have something worth living for”. [Kate5]
4.0 DISCUSSION