The youth in this study talked about how living with HIV resulted in them re-evaluating their lives, which was related to learning how to take care of themselves, valuing their lives, and finding a new appreciation for life.
6.3.1.1
A new beginning
Youth in this study talked about how living with HIV caused them to stop and think about their current lives and find new ways of learning how to take care of themselves. Bajaa struggled with addictions and was involved in the sex trade before she found out she was living with HIV. Giving birth to her baby was a life-changing event that took over and sidelined her HIV. It was not until almost two years later that she was ready to begin taking care of herself and learn about HIV so she could have a future with her child:
It’s completely like day and night, I guess. I was in prostitution probably from the time I was 12 or 13 years old. As well as addicted to crack-cocaine, so I’m clean, I very rarely drink, I don’t prostitute anymore. I’m living I guess what some would say a normal life, if there is such a thing. But it completely changed my lifestyle and my views on life and just taking care of myself and doing what’s best for me in order to have a future. Whereas, I guess, before I had my [baby]and the HIV diagnosis, I probably didn’t have much of a future. A lot of people 20 years old, living the lifestyle I was living don’t get to where I am today. A lot of people just end up back on the streets losing custody of their children and I knew for me that wasn’t an option. Kind of something I like to say, “I have HIV, but HIV doesn’t have me”.
Charlotte talked about how she had been struggling with addictions before she found out she was living with HIV, but it was not until she got help for her addictions that she begin learning about HIV and taking care of herself more than she had prior to becoming positive. As she explains:
I ended up in drug court and that’s when I ended up in a recovery house and where I found out a little more about HIV and it kind of changed my life because I kind of thought about my life more than I have in the past when I didn’t have HIV.
Xavier talked about HIV in a unique way, as being like a blessing. He had been battling a drug addiction and believed that living with HIV forced him to learn the negative effects that being addicted to drugs could have on his life. As he explains:
My immune system and my body isn’t at what I think a 25 year old young man’s body is at…I’m a lot more run down…I don’t have energy, I don’t have the recuperation period, I don’t recuperate as fast as everybody else I’ve noticed. Things take longer to heal…I hate to say this but it’s been kind of a blessing in disguise because when you’re addicted to drugs and you’re HIV-positive you’re playing Russian roulette with knowing everything…I’ve found that I’ve gotten a greater appreciation for maybe not necessarily the things you can see or feel in life, but more the sentimental things and appreciation for people who are willing to be around me and the people that take time out of their days to do nice things and stuff like that you know?
6.3.1.2
Value of HIV in their lives
Youth in this study talked about how living with HIV resulted in them finding value in their lives and a greater appreciation for living life. Donovan sees everything differently now and he feels that living with HIV has given him a new lease on life and made him more determined to focus on the positive changes his life has to offer. As he explains:
If I hadn’t gotten HIV, I would not be here sitting in this seat today. I’m living life to the fullest, but I’m living it for myself. I’m not living it for anybody else. I think HIV is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Like now I think that I’m stronger, I’m more focused on my life. I’m not proud that I got HIV, I’m proud that HIV I didn’t let it run me, I ran it. I’m not going to let it control me at all. I’m glad
that I did end up getting it because it changed my life and it really helped me out in
finding my self-respect…I’ve changed for the better, really…I am happy with my life and I am glad I have HIV today and I am happy that I’ve gotten it because I wouldn’t be where I am today. And that’s the thing, you’ve got to make the best out of it. You have to really take HIV and just grab it and use it the way you want to use it and not to let it use you.
When Robert first tested positive for HIV he felt like his life was over, however, his determination for living and a new found understanding for what his life had to offer him, helped pave the way. As he explains:
Initially I was pretty convinced that I was just going to die and at the end of my life
and it was going to limit my possibilities and then I decided that it wasn’t going to
do that and I’ve kind of kick started my life as a result. So now I feel so unlimited that it’s almost like it’s completely the reverse, I feel like I can do anything. It’s just amazing.