Did you see the 1977 movie Annie Hall? When Diane Keaton is out with Woody Allen for the first time, a little bubble comes out of her head, saying, "I hope he's not a jerk like all the others." During the first moments of meeting you, your Quarry is hoping the same about you.
Early love is a delicate little flower. Its tiny petals are often crushed when one of the partners unknowingly commits a small blooper on the first date and turns the other off. A stupid joke, the slurping of a Coke, an unintended insult, all can abort the takeoff and leave a new relationship burning on the side of the runway. Later in the love affair the same blooper might amount to no more than a slightly uncomfortable air pocket.
The fumbles we will explore here are gender-specific, and many are new unacceptables. With the emerging equality of men and women, actions that used to be taken for granted now drive the opposite sex bonkers. In another era, another society, another economy, a man could get away with spending every Friday night with the boys or whipping out a cigar at the table. His lady was
expected to smile pleasantly as the smoke asphyxiated her. There was a time when a woman was expected to have
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no aspirations outside the home and to be interested only in "woman-talk." Men felt self-righteous leaving the women to "pratter" as they retired into the den to deliberate on really important issues, like which cigar had the best flavor.
Times have changed. What used to be a resigned, "Well, boys will be boys!" or "Isn't that just like a woman?" is now grounds for your Quarry to depart for greener pastures. Today, Huntresses demand a sensitive man who will share their feelings. And Hunters envision a superwoman who gives them great company, great kids, great compassion, and great orgasms.
Does this new breed of sensitive man and superwoman exist? The question is academic, because it's not reality but your Quarry's perceptions we're dealing with. This section gives you techniques to convince your Quarry that you are indeed that extraordinary individual. You are a sensitive man.
You are a superwoman.
Hunters, when you use some of the words and ideas I'm going to suggest, your Quarry will say to herself, "At last, a sensitive man—one who understands me and I can talk to." Huntresses, when your Quarry hears some of the following words and sentiments coming from your feminine lips, he
will say, "At last, a sensible woman—one who understands me and I can relate to. This woman is really special. I think I'm in love."
This section is especially valuable for capturing the heart of a gun-shy Quarry who, because he or she is fearful of relationships, often runs at the first sign of stereotypical gender behavior. We will talk about the most common gender-specific fatal fumbles which usually appear on first dates and eat away at early love. I will show you how to avoid these pitfalls or at least not get thrown out of the game on a stupid penalty.
"I Want a Man I Can Talk to, a Woman Who Thinks Like a Man"
We spot the gender gap very early, in nursery schools and kindergartens all across America. In the middle of the room,
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little boys are bashing other little boys. Meanwhile, around the nursery, little girls are sharing toys and holding deep communion with other little girls.
Unfortunately, the same gap splits many middle-class parties of marrieds right down the middle. The men stand center stage arguing sports or politics, and the women, seated around the room, are supportively chatting with each other. Why the division? It's simply because men enjoy talking about certain subjects and women fancy others. Additionally, men have different styles of talking than women do.
How can we translate this cleft into a technique to capture your Quarry? Learn how to captivate the opposite sex with your conversation. Discover what subjects interest him or her.
Hunters, to help a woman fall in love with you, look like a man, work like a man, walk like a man, talk deep-voiced like a man—but be sensitive like a woman. Intelligently discuss subjects which interest her. Huntresses, to help a man fall in love with you, look like a woman, smile like a woman, smell like a woman, speak softly like a woman—but think like a man. Intelligently discuss subjects that interest him.
Men, don't be frightened that you will sound effeminate discussing the subtleties women excel at, such as insights into people and their feelings. Being a fascinating conversationalist to a woman definitely does not detract from your masculinity. It merely makes you multidimensional and
engrossing to talk to. Women, don't be concerned that discussing subjects the boys like makes you sound like one of the boys. Hearing subjects and sentiments close to a man's heart coming from your softly rounded feminine lips makes you a fascinating woman. He'll think you're different from the rest of the females he's dated—a high compliment coming from a man.
How men and women differ in communication styles could, and has, filled volumes. I highly recommend you read a book dedicated to gender differences to give you a more indepth
understanding of men, women, and why they communicate so differently. Some excellent ones have been written by John Gray and Deborah Tannen, among others.
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God revealed a cold and hard fact to us back in the Garden of Eden. Quite simply, He made men and women different. (One wonders if, in all His wisdom, He realized quite how different His creatures would turn out to be!)
John F. Kennedy said, "If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." Let us alter one word of that sage advice.
Hunters, Huntresses, if we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for love. The following techniques are a good start.
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What is "Man Talk" and What is "Woman Talk"? (Does it Exist?)
Decades of denial aside, men and women do enjoy discussing different subjects. All gender comments are generalizations, to be sure, but, usually, women are more people-centered and men are more thing—centered. Men enjoy talking about cars, gadgets, tools-about how something is made, how it works, how they can fix it, what its effect is, and how they control it. More intellectual men expand things to include ideas and concepts. But they still discuss how these concepts work, how they can fix them, how they affect the world, and how much power they have over them! Men exchange facts and opinions like trading cards. They like to play "Who can trump whom?" with the cards. This competitive aspect of men's conversation is not advisable for a woman to emulate, but Huntresses, brushing up on sports, politics, cars, and computers increases your chances of
communicating well with men. If you learn how to hold your own with some men by bantering about saber saws and power drills, you will be a fascinating lady indeed.
When I was in high school, the literature on gender differences was limited to obscure studies, but my mother somehow intuitively knew about the cavernous conversational gap. The boys talked about cars, and the girls talked about boys.
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That left us girls at a conversational disadvantage on our dates. After a disastrously silent evening with a boy (we called them boys in those days, not guys), I cried in my mother's lap. I told her I couldn't think of anything to talk about and had been frozen with shyness. My mother stroked my hair, dried my tears, and told me she'd have a surprise for me the next day that would help. I believed in Mama and expected a miracle. Even if she had to fly a chunk of the Blarney Stone in from Ireland so I could kiss it and get the gift of gab, she'd pull through for me.
TECHNIQUE #57 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
BRUSH UP ON MAN-TALK
Take a conversational cruise across the gender gap.
Huntresses, become conversant in concepts, politics, objects, big toys, sports, and other male subjects.
Show him you're smart, but remember—not too smart.
Pull through she did. Better than the Blarney Stone, she bought me a book on cars—all the current models. I became something of an expert on the differences between Chevys, Fords, and Buicks. I could even discuss what went on under the hood. It got so I could keep up my end of the
conversation when the subject turned (as it inevitably did) to carburetors, alternators, camshafts, and exhaust manifolds. Mama's book got my self-confidence with boys humming. Huntresses, you may not find discussing cars, facts, sports, business, and politics as interesting as psychology, philosophy, relationships, reactions, and trends, but your Quarry will find you a more intriguing woman if you can hold your own while pitching phenomenons and numbers around with him.
A man in one of my seminars told me that the reason he asked his current girlfriend out was because, when they met,
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they had an engrossing discussion of whether slip-joint or round-nosed pliers would be better to have in a basic tool kit. He added, of course, that he won the argument. Huntresses, you want to be smart in male subjects. But not smarter than your Quarry. Does this sound like outdated fifties retro-pap advice? Of course it does, but it still holds. I learned this the hard way a long time ago.
On the evening of my high school prom, my date arrived on my doorstep. He pinned a corsage on my padded bust. I took his arm and we walked to his car. It wouldn't start. Thanks to Mama's book, I suspected the problem. I looked under his hood and made a silent analysis.
I then ran out into the street and flagged down a taxi. Not to take us to the dance, but to borrow the driver's jumper cables. Tottering in my first pair of high heels, I attached jumper cables to my date's dead battery and got his car engine purring. I knew he would be impressed.
He never called again.
I recently told this story to a male friend and, in a truly candid moment, he empathized with my poor humiliated date. Eventual equality aside, some things will never change.
TECHNIQUE #58 (FOR HUNTERS):
BRUSH UP ON "WOMAN-TALK"
Hunters, make your conversation more psychologically oriented. Converse with your Quarry in terms of people, feelings, philosophy, rationale, and intuition.
Be more supportive and less competitive in your insights.
Hunters, here's a similar suggestion for you. Generally, women have excellent insights into people, their problems, and their responses to various situations. They often talk about
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health, the arts, personal growth, and sometimes spiritual subjects. When discussing their work, women are more apt to explore how individuals work together and what constitutes a smooth and supportive work environment, not who's on top and who's on bottom. Learn to thoughtfully probe feelings.
Gentlemen, pick up a copy of Psychology Today, a magazine with a readership of intelligent women. It's an excellent way to brush up on what subjects are hot for women.
These are generalizations, to be sure. There is always the man who enjoys discussing the deeper aspects of human relationships and the woman who enjoys a tough political argument. You'll spot these rare birds, but they'll be hard to catch. The insightful man will be in the company of beautiful women, and the clever woman will already be dating some heavy hitters.
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"How Do You Feel About That?"
Ever since they were little girls, women have shown spooky intuition when picking up on subtle tones of voice and facial expressions. The gentle sex is eerily expert at knowing how someone feels.
A man, conversely, can't pick up on a sad face until his tie is drenched in his partner's tears.
Perhaps that's why women discuss feelings and men (because they're no darn good at it) seldom bring up the subject. Women, when talking with their friends, often ask each other how they feel about a certain situation. (The last time some men used the word feel was when they told their high school buddies they got to feel up a girl in the backseat.)
Hunter, you will distinguish yourself as a rare man indeed, if, while a woman is talking, you interject the elementary question, "How do feel about that?" You can ask the question about practically anything. Say she is talking about her home or something her sister did, her father said, or her friend asked. Maybe she's telling you about her job, what her boss said, or what her coworker did. No matter what she is discussing, she has feelings on the subject and, unlike you, she is probably more in touch with those feelings. She can articulate them better.
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Here is a foolproof technique to make a woman perceive you as a truly sensitive man.
TECHNIQUE #59 (FOR HUNTERS):
"HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?"
Hunters, whatever she is discussing, simply ask, "How do you feel about that?" Go ahead, force yourself.
After she pulls her jaw back up to get it operable, she will respond enthusiastically.
Huntresses, can you ask a man how he feels about a particular situation? Sure, but early in a relationship, he will probably consider it an irrelevant female question. He might give you a one- or two-word answer which you, of course would interpret as abrupt. Things could spiral down from there. Men simply don't usually think first about their feelings, just as you are not as comfortable thinking in competitive terms.
Suppose, in conversation with a man, you tell him how, instead of one of your female coworkers, you got a promotion. The man suddenly asks, "Good going. How did you tromp her?" The question would take you aback. Your internal dialogue would probably say, "Well, I didn't tromp her. I simply was given the promotion because I deserved it." You would, of course, answer him politely, but the competitive male nature of his question would not endear him to you.
Women tend to be less competitive. They enjoy winning, but no special sense of victory comes from the defeat of the loser. His asking "How did you tromp her?" is not a question women readily relate to. Likewise, "How do you feel about" a certain situation is not a question a man can readily relate to. Unless you are talking with one of the rare men who enjoys exploring his feelings, play it safe.
Save your feelings questions for later in the relationship—much later.
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TECHNIQUE #60 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
DON'T EXPLORE ''FEELINGS'' TOO EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP
Huntresses, until the relationship is in safe waters or you detect that your Quarry is the sensitive type, don't go overboard by asking a man how he feels about a
situation. You may rock the boat before it gets launched.
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"Excuse Me, Could You Tell Me Where . . ."
No exploration of the wondrous differences between Homo sapiens m. and Homo sapiens f would be complete without addressing the former's (men's) hesitance to ask directions. One of the reasons, I am sure, that NASA decided to have female astronauts is so there would be somebody to ask directions when they got to the planets.
Even when a male driver is hopelessly lost, he seems constitutionally incapable of sticking his head out the window and
TECHNIQUE #61 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
STAY LOST!
Huntresses, if your Quarry gets lost, bite your tongue until it bleeds if you must, but do not suggest he ask for directions.
Never take it upon yourself to ask a stranger yourself while he sits there feeling like a larnebrain. Never.
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asking, "Excuse me, could you tell me where . . . ?" God bless the woman who shouts over his humiliated head to a stranger, "Hey, we're lost. I think we missed the turn." A man translates that statement into: "This yo-yo turkey got us into this pickle and now the incompetent, impotent fool
can't get us out." Huntresses, if you're looking for the way to his heart, let him find the way to wherever the two of you are traveling.
Hunters, the converse is true for you. When you use the following technique, your Quarry will know she's in the company of a rare man indeed.
TECHNIQUE #62 (FOR HUNTERS):
JUST ASK!
Hunters, if you get lost, do the lady a favor. Lock your ego in the glove compartment along with the maps. Just roll down the window and ask directions.
It won't kill you.
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"Please, Spare Me the Details"
As little girls, we women were able to weave great webs of fairy-tale fantasies about the lives of our dolls, while little boys couldn't ad lib an excuse when caught red-handed with their fists in the cookie jar. Today, the stream of consciousness for little girls of all ages, nine to ninety, still runs stronger.
This once again became evident to me just last fall. I was bicycling along a winding path in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, with my buddy, Phil. We stopped to calculate where we were on the map.
Just then an extremely attractive couple came bicycling in the opposite direction. They were both tanned, fit, and sportive. I flagged them down and asked the couple how to get to Oceanview Drive.
The woman started, "Oh, this is a beautiful path. You stay on it for, oh, I'd say, a quarter of a mile—well, maybe closer to a half. On the way you'll see many beautiful trees, some of them overhanging the path. The colors are just starting to change. The path twists and turns a bit, but it's smooth all the way. In a while, on the left, you'll see a big white house. . . ."
Her male friend suddenly interrupted her. "Yeah, just follow this path and turn left at the end," he said. "You'll hit Oceanview."
As Phil and I rode off on our bicycles, I could hear sounds of the couple's arguing fading in the distance. She was most
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likely telling him how rude he was to interrupt her, and he was probably accusing her of being irrelevant and too talkative.
As we pedaled along the beautiful path, I began wondering about what might have taken place if I'd been bicycling alone that day and run into the attractive man, also bicycling alone? How might the communication between us been different if he hadn't been with his girlfriend? I would have asked the attractive stranger for directions just as I did. But then, I realized, if he'd given me a short answer, all I could have done would be say thanks and pedal off.
How much more I would have enjoyed having the attractive stranger tell me what a beautiful path was in store for me, how it twists and turns, and then give me details about the changing colors of the leaves the way his girlfriend had. That would have opened the door to further conversation with this attractive male.
When I came out of my reverie, I asked Phil his opinion. Suppose he had been bicycling alone and come upon the beautiful woman bicycling without her boyfriend. If he had asked her for directions, what would he have liked hearing? First of all, Phil said, a tad accusingly, "I wouldn't have asked directions."
"OK, OK, that I know," I said. "But suppose you had to find your way and were reduced to that humiliation?"
"Well," he said, "she would have turned me off with all that babbling. Ideally she would have just told me to follow the path."
"Like her boyfriend did?" I asked.
"Well, yeah."
I was merciless. I persisted, "Well, suppose she wanted to meet you and keep the conversation going. What should she have done?"
"Criminy, Leil, I don't know!" But Phil could tell from my expression I was determined to find out.
"Well, maybe if she'd added a little veiled compliment, it would have turned the tide. It would change the encounter from impersonal to, well you know, personal."
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"What do you mean by a veiled compliment?"
"Well," Phil mused, "she might say something like, 'It's a long ride . . . but you look like you're up for it.'"
"Oh, come on!"
"No, really," Phil said.