EPISTEMOLOGÍA DE LAS MATEMÁTICAS Y MODELOS

Laura was relaxed and excited about the interview so I anticipated that we would have an interesting interview with her. I commenced the interview after a short talk about Laura’s background. I asked Laura:

I would like you to think of a recent experience in which you need to say sorry. Tell me the whole story associated with your saying sorry. Describe the situation; why did that happen, what did you do? what did you say? and how did you solve it?

Laura reported that while she was living in a compound in SA, she had encountered a woman who had tried to befriend her over a period of two years; Laura said (L.03):

She is a very possessive and a very needy person. So, she clung on to me all the time. She would constantly ring me to come over or ask me where I was going, or what I was doing. I was friendly, but I told her I don’t like being smothered.

Laura was experiencing a growing sense of annoyance at the intensity of the attention that her neighbour was demanding; (L.04):

She was starting to annoy me and I was thinking, ‘How can I tell her to back off. She was being too intense; she was being very possessive.

So, Laura first considered evading her neighbour: Laura tried to avoid her but found that inconvenient. Above all, she was a kind person. She did not want to end up as unkind or rude; Laura said (L.06):

I didn’t want to be unkind because she is a lovely person. She has done a lot of kind things to help other people; she is lovely.

Subsequently, when the neighbour approached her, Laura sat her down and gently introduced her to the problem (L.07):

I know this will be upsetting, but you need to understand how I am feeling. Then I said, “As you know I am a very private person. You have been kind to me, and I do not want to be unkind to you”.

Laura pointed out to her neighbour that constant enquiries about her whereabouts disturbed her privacy; Laura said (L.09):

You know that you were ringing on the phone, asking me where am I going, what am I doing, who am I seeing, I feel that is none of your business. I am not saying to you, what are you doing. Where are you going? Why are you doing that? I said that is your business, not my business.

Despite these negative feelings, Laura apologised to her neighbour for avoiding her; she explained this; she said (L.10):

I am sorry I have been avoiding you. I don’t wish to be mean and nasty because you are so kind a person. And you do some beautiful things.

Laura added that she had been bothered by having her neighbour continually checking on her daily activities; Laura said (L.11):

I cannot handle someone continually knocking on my door, checking on me, and asking me to do this and asking me to do that. I said, “I am my person. I do not need a mother or someone to tell me what to do”. So, she understood, and I understood.

Despite the foregoing, Laura told her neighbour that she loved her and that she still wanted to see her, so that they might carry out some daily functions together. The neighbour came to understand that it would not be the friendship that she had desired. Laura made her neighbour understand that they would not be close friends and that she preferred another close friend whom she could understand better and who gave her space when it was required; Laura emphasised that she would not have the same respectful and understanding relationship with her neighbour that she had with her close friend. Ultimately, Laura’s neighbour realised that she could have Laura as a friend without possessing her; Laura said (L.15):

We still are friends, but now but she keeps more to herself. We continue to do things on the compound and we continue to talk to each other; however, she realises it cannot be the type of relationship that she wants.

At first, Laura’s neighbour was embarrassed in her presence; later, as understanding grew, she reached acceptance with the situation. When I asked

Laura how she felt when explaining this situation to her neighbour Laura reported that she felt ‘sick’ (L.20):

We still are friends, but now she keeps more to herself. We continue to do things on the compound, and we even talk to each other; however, she realises it cannot be the type of relationship that she wants.

By way of explanation, Laura pointed out that her neighbour came from Africa; Laura thought that she was very negative and that the negativity had started to impose itself on her; Laura said (L.21):

She is a very negative person. I told her that her negativity was getting to me. I said I could not handle people who continuously are negative about everything negative, negative, negative.

Laura then reported how she felt after apologising to her neighbour (L.22): When I was saying sorry I felt for her because it’s not nice when someone directly tells you something like that…you have to throw it and then listen to what they are saying. I did it. My neighbour took it very well which made me feel a lot better.

She was relieved after she had confronted her neighbour – a situation that she had been dreading (L.23):

I was glad I said something. I was dreading it. I did not want to do it. But I did it, and I was relieved that I had.

Laura believed that apology was painful; she said (L.24):

Saying sorry is not easy if it is not accepted. I did not wish to make an angry scene in which she would not listen to me, not want to take on board what I was saying. Yes, she took it very well.

In this episode, Laura had engaged in deliberative self- and other-positioning; she had taken these positions to overcome her guilt about the avoidance of her next-door-neighbour. Laura acted with deliberative intent: essentially, she was the kind person who needed to show that she was sorry. In so doing, she was, in fact, responding to a show of power: she had been subject to forced other-positioning

by her neighbour; she had countered the show of power by engaging in deliberative other-positioning, thus demonstrating that she wanted to achieve parity. This episode reveals three of the four Harré positioning elements.

Types of Harré positioning that emerged

Deliberative self-positioning; Deliberative intent, parity

Laura tried to avoid her neighbour but, as a kind person; she did not want to end up appearing ‘unkind’. Laura had engaged in deliberative self-positioning to overcome her guilt over her avoidance behaviour, which had resulted in making her appear unfriendly. Laura, in a series of interchanges, told her neighbour the reason for ignoring her in recent times: she was caring for herself and her need for greater privacy.

Laura had engaged in deliberative other-positioning: taking a conciliatory, rather than an avoidance approach, she had sought to achieve parity with her neighbour – a position that she saw to be good. Finally, however, Laura pointed out that constant enquiries from her neighbour relating to her whereabouts, personal contacts and activities were creating a ‘smothering’ atmosphere. Laura had engaged in deliberative other-positioning as she talked to her neighbour about the invasion of personal space that she was practicing on her. In so doing, Laura had sought parity with her neighbour in a way that would not normally be followed by a Saudi: in Saudi society using the phrase ‘none of your business’ is regarded as rudeness or arrogance, and is likely to break relationships.

Forced self- and other-positioning; forced intent, power

In a conflicted set of interchanges, Laura apologised to her neighbour for avoiding her; consequentially, Laura also told her neighbour that she could not stand her constant disturbances. Laura had directly engaged in deliberative self- and other- positioning (deliberative intent, parity) as she made a declaration of personal

feelings, a personal affirmation of the other. Indirectly, she had also engaged in both forced self- and other-positioning (forced intent, power). She had countered forced other-positioning in overcoming the power that her neighbour had tried to exert over her in the name of friendship. Laura, unambiguously, told her neighbour that she did not need a ‘mother’, and her neighbour had understood this. An understanding had appeared between the two. It is significant that, in Saudi, the strong statement, ‘I do not need a mother’ would indicate arrogance and rudeness; it is a non-preferred expression.

Laura told her neighbour that she still wanted to see her and do some daily functions and she came to understand that it would not be the friendship that she wished for. Laura had engaged in deliberative self-positioning as she clarified the kind of relationship that she wanted to have with her neighbour. She had been very direct in discussing these matters with her neighbour.

Forced other-positioning: power and deliberative intent

While living in a compound in Saudi, Laura had encountered a woman who had tried to befriend her over a period of two years. The woman was possessive and her attention disconcerted Laura, a very private person. While being friendly, she did not want to feel ‘smothered’; these unwanted attentions had begun with excessive unsolicited attempts at friendship from the neighbour who was attempting to exercise requited power over her.

The would-be friend came from Africa; to Laura, she seemed very ‘negative’ in attitude and Laura was particularly bothered by this. In this sense, Laura had engaged in forced other-positioning, as she called her neighbour ‘negative’ and attributed that to the influence of her background. Laura is a life lover who was bothered by her neighbour’s negativity; Laura’s response had involved both deliberative and forced other-positioning intent, that is, she was exerting deliberative intent and power over her neighbour.

Deliberative self- and forced self- and other-positioning: deliberative intent and power

The unwanted attention that Laura experienced from her neighbour worried her considerably in this early phase of living in Saudi. Laura did not want to confront her neighbour as she did not want to seem mean because she was unused to finding herself in such an embarrassing and irritating situation.

Laura was experiencing a growing sense of annoyance at the intensity of the being annoyed by her neighbour, due to her power play and the possessiveness that her neighbour was practising on her. Laura considered avoidance behaviour; in doing so, she had engaged in deliberative self-positioning.

Forced self and other-positioning: forced intent and power

On one particular day, Laura’s neighbour visited, so Laura sat her down and gently introduced her to the problem. Laura forced her neighbour to understand that they would not be close friends. Laura explained that she preferred to retain her particularly close friend (L.16):

I said, “I cannot because I am already friends with the lady here”. I know her well, and we are very close; also, we give each other space.

Laura had engaged in forced self- and other. In so doing, she distinguished between her inner-circle of friends and those, including her neighbour, who constituted the outer-circle; thus, she allowed herself to exhibit forced intent (forced self-positioning) by displaying to her neighbour her position of power (forced other-positioning).

New Socio-cultural positionings

Emotional positioning

Laura felt sorry for her neighbour while saying sorry and confronting her as it was an embarrassing situation for anyone, but she felt relieved that her neighbour took it well. Laura had engaged in emotional positioning as her kindness and values made her feel sorry for her neighbour: predominantly, she had acted on an emotional impulse.

Repair positioning

Laura and her neighbour adjusted their relationship. The neighbour began to understand that she could have Laura as a friend without possessing her (L.18):

Two days ago, we went out with her and her husband and so this been in Jeddah, and we had a lovely time. So, she understands that she can have me as a friend, but not possess me.

Laura had engaged in reparative positioning as she spent time with her neighbour, which showed that there was an understanding between them, namely, that the neighbour was within Laura’s outer circle of friends. Laura had acted to redress a major misunderstanding on the part of her neighbour; the neighbour had shown she understood what had happened.

Reflective positioning

Laura was glad that she did confront her neighbour: she had been dreading the confrontation. Laura, too, had engaged in reflective positioning – but, in her case, she had given the issue considerable thought. Laura’s concerns were complex: she believed that apology was painful; her neighbour might not accept it; it might make her angry; it could affect her feelings and upset her (L.24). Laura had engaged in self- and reflective positioning: she feared loss of face and emotional disturbance; she consider apology to be a challenging, and a necessary mission.