ESPECIAS Y CONDIMENTOS

The work I have done on my inner-critic has borne fruit but it is far from being extinguished, the deeper constructs of beliefs and expectations that form the basis of a perfect ideal self can still have the power to cause suffering.

Journal: 20 July 2014.

I have been reflecting upon the expectations and pressures that arise from the tyranny of this unrealistic and unachievable Ideal Self (Rogers, 1959). The Ideal… woman, wife, friend, psychologist, Buddhist, academic just feeds into my perfectionism and sense of failing. However it is important to remember that this is all conditioning, it is not-self, it’s all bullshit.

The conditioning that underlies an ideal self is learned from early years and propagated by society and culture. Jack (1991) highlighted the impact of gender ideology of the “good me” (p.91) and because of the pervasive and unrealistic nature of expectation of this ideal, depression, disconnection and self-rejection can arise. Jack and Ali (2010) emphasised the dangers of silencing the self arising from the conditionality of being female and the rules that constitute being a good woman i.e. always being selfless and putting others needs first or being compliant rather than conflictual. Such conditioning can be a barrier to self-compassion because it can cause a loss of voice, self and power; the consequences of which can be anger, fear, depression, shame, repression, IBS, lack of self-care, eating disorders, post-natal depression and self-harm (Jack,

5.6 Heavy rain and storms ahead, will cause damage.

I learned the rules very quickly, particularly that as a female you will be loved according to how good and compliant you are. From early childhood I was praised for making myself useful and I was also a tomboy, unconsciously trying to be the complete child; Daddy’s little girl as well as John, the longed for son who died at birth. I played and watched football and cricket and read Spiderman comics. Social and cultural conditioning go very deep, and for me, several years of therapy, and reflecting on the Buddhist teaching of non-self (anattā), have been necessary to even begin to challenge this conditioning and alleviate the effects. This work continues.

5.7 Football in the park with Uncle Cecil and Uncle Harry

In addition to the pressure of ideals and expectations, during May 2015, I reflected in my journal at what point had I become a perfectionist where failure was not an option. I see perfectionism in myself as being self-orientated and centred around striving (Hill and Curran, 2016), a definition is “working very hard to achieve standards and being highly self-critical when these are not achieved” (Egan, Shafran and Wade, 2012, p.1). I work with clients who are experiencing the tyranny of perfectionism, but I had not done the same therapeutic work on myself, because I felt that my perfectionism was necessary, imperative to my survival and my very sense of worth depended on it (Egan, Shafran and Wade, 2012). My inner-critic and perfectionism had been around from early years, perfectionism then morphed into a full-blown apparition by the time I had completely failed to have a child. From the day I called a halt to proceedings in the midst of yet another infertility consultation - when I said that I had to stop, find another life, find a reason for being on this planet - I had to find purpose and direction and so embarked on the road to become a Chartered Psychologist. On one hand this response was adaptive because it helped me cope, I achieved my goal of becoming qualified and successful at developing the most challenging and rewarding career I could ever have hoped for. However, a maladaptive aspect arose when it became about my identity, value and a reason to exist.

These were ideal conditions to propagate fear of failing and fuel overcompensation and unrelenting perfectionism. The consequences have been to increase my propensity for depression and anxiety and cause stress, exhaustion and reinforcement of the view of not being good enough, all of which adds to the feeling of being deeply flawed and wounded. The wounds cannot be seen on the outside, they are well hidden, but internally it is a different story. Storms of depression have accompanied me throughout the past 44 years, invisibly battering me from all sides. I know from my own experience and witness daily with my clients, the pain, shame and struggle with depression, not least the feeling of weakness, failure, judgement, stigma and despair that it brings.

Journal: 22 February 2015

Feeling horribly depressed today, the dull, flat feeling of the last few days has moved to a deeper, sadder, more painful place. It is like being stuck in treacle thick bog surrounded by dense fog – requiring great effort to move as well as not being able to see clearly or even care. A particular detachment comes into play, not dissociation, more like having an anaesthetic that has not worked, where there is disconnection with the physical body together with a dire mixture of feeling dead inside and at the same time experiencing crushing pain.

The depression I experience probably falls unhelpfully under the diagnosis of “Depressive Disorder Not Otherwise Specified” (DSM-IV-TR, 2000, p.178-9). Patterns of my behaviour include hyperactivity, restlessness, seeking extremes of experience, overspending and drinking too much. At the other end of the scale I can experience hopelessness, withdrawal, alienation, anxiety, rumination, inability to cope and chronic fatigue. These symptoms are mercifully not experienced to a clinically acute level of being unable to function for months but it can entail days and sometimes weeks of desolation and despair.