Participant C2 and C5 highlighted the ethics of psychotherapists having been in their own psychotherapy conveys credibility of what the psychotherapist is offering, in that the
psychotherapist conveys a belief in its efficacy. As a participant-observer, being in
psychotherapy provided participants the opportunity to see and feel psychotherapy which is usually confined to a confidential space. As such the profession does not allow individuals to observe client work in real time, the closest is through one-way mirror work which does not necessarily convey the internal impact of the process or what it means to be the client.
Internationally, 10-15% of trainees who attended personal psychotherapy report negative outcomes (Orlinsky et al., 2005; Williams, 1999).
I think the personal therapy, I’ve had has been pretty awful… I don’t feel it’s helping much. And, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve accessed that therapy in times in my life where I haven’t really been ready for it? So, I’ve had probably three or four very short processes. Most of them I would say quite supportive in a way. One was literally one session and it was a guy who did Neuro-Linguistic
Programming and after that session, I should have supposedly felt that everything just changed. It didn’t. I feel very disillusioned. I feel very much like it’s
incredibly difficult to find a good therapist. And so, while I feel that it would be hugely beneficial for all therapists to be in their own personal therapeutic process, I feel like, ‘How the hell do you find a good therapist?’ [chuckles]
(Participant B7).
When discussing their personal experiences of psychotherapy, participants relayed that their experiences as a client also taught them how they personally would not conduct
psychotherapy (Geller, 2013), namely, extensive self-disclosure on the part of the
psychotherapist (A1), a very confrontational style (B1), adopting a classical Freudian ‘blank slate’ approach (B3), being perceived as judgmental (B3), continuously glancing at the clock
185 (B5, and D3), or yawning in a client’s session (A3). In a sense, being on the receiving end of psychotherapy as a client can sensitise and shape a nuanced style of how each psychotherapist internalises their training. As such personal psychotherapy allows each psychotherapist to see what works for them and to think carefully what interpersonal dynamics, techniques or skills fit with them or makes sense to them as individuals when in the therapeutic endeavour (Rake & Paley, 2009). Regular personal psychotherapy inculcates in psychotherapists the need to constantly consider and sensitively adjust the therapeutic process in light of working out the perspective of the client moment-by-moment.
The thing that I have been reflecting on recently is about identifying when something comes up in the room – ‘Is it yours? Or is it theirs?’ And, because I have a better sense by going to weekly therapy, of what is mine, I’m sometimes struck with the same thing can come up with somebody else. And, it helps me have more empathy for them because I can feel it... Before I make a reflection… it slows me down… it allows me to have greater empathy because it’s maybe something that I have been trying to bring up in my therapy… I have often heard my therapist’s voice in my head, when I am trying to make a reflection of
something that’s similar, and I have had to say, ‘Is that her voice for me or is that something that’s helpful and I am thinking about it because it’s helpful for
them?”… better thinking space for my patient and for me… So, even in therapy… I can sometimes have an ‘Aha’ moment about something of my own life. And, be aware enough to know that, ‘That’s mine and not theirs’… Even if its silent engagement with what is going on in the room… (Participant C4).
Participants, who worked psychoanalytically, specifically voiced that their personal psychotherapy helped them to believe in unconscious processes at work, work with the transference and countertransference in their client work as they could see through their own personal psychotherapy how valid these psychoanalytic concepts were (A1, A2, C4, D1, D3, and E2).
To become aware of transference and countertransference… to learn more in- depth… It’s harder to pick things that might not (have been) in my experience within therapy. But, those things that I have experienced I can usually pick up
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I do think as a therapist there is so much emotion, transference and
countertransference that is important to unpack… it helps me to sit with a client, and really realise, ‘Am I bringing something that should not necessarily be part of this process or topic? Are they setting off things in me? Or is it really the client in their own process and development?’… I know a lot of the courses, you know, like our masters programme and my future internship make it obligatory… You need your own space… - and differs from supervision-…be yourself, do depth work, reflect, sit with your own losses, your own difficulties in your life… (Participant
A1).
Then also I have learnt a lot about being in therapy from my therapist to become a therapist, and the way that she works in transference and countertransference, I could see it in a room, I could almost learn from it by me being the client because ‘Where else would I have seen that?’ … you can watch glorious videos on
YouTube as much as you like [chuckles], but it’s not the same as being in your own therapy… I learnt way more in my own therapy… how to phrase things, when to make an interpretation that I would never have learnt anywhere else. I would not have learnt it. And, I will never be able to thank my therapist enough
(Participant A2).
Participants (A1, C1, and C4) felt that personal psychotherapy offered a safeguard against contaminating clients’ concerns with one’s own personal concerns. Personal psychotherapy provided a space for the psychotherapist to sift through what aspects belonged to their clients’ struggles and what actually was a personal concern or a blind spot of their own (B1, B4, C1, and C4). The metaphor of the psychotherapist having blind spots that need to be acknowledged and effectively dealt with is strongly supported by Benedek (1953) and Kernberg (1963). Kernberg advocates that psychotherapists need to vigilant in terms of their countertransference in order to make sense of the emotional impact of their unconscious blind spots. Benedek found that personal psychotherapy of the psychotherapist lessens the likelihood of the psychotherapist’s blind spots from negatively impacting clients’ psychotherapy.
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The main reason is that the therapist usually understands what you have gone through because they’ve been through the similar process…
Secondly, to support your family as well. The moment you go through a process like these feedbacks or the unpacking of your life, it’s actually not fair to dump all of that on your family because they are also confused, and they are also
completely taken aback by how insane this process is [chuckles]. So, you need therapy to dilute some of your emotions before you bring it to your family… they should also be supported knowing that you are supported externally…
(Participant A2).
Participants (A2, and B2) also indicated how their personal psychotherapists assisted them in managing the arduousness of the training process and helping them to reflect upon and take hold of their burgeoning professional identity.
I constantly felt like I was not good enough for this position… they (lecturers) kind of roast you and throw you (out in) the cold and throughout that process, I constantly felt like, ‘Why did I put myself through this? Why am I doing this to myself?’… ‘Maybe, I shouldn’t have been here?’ And, through a lot of therapy, I went at least three times a month… I realised that I am good enough for this position. And in fact, I’m actually perfectly cut out to help people… But, it was a very long road to reach to that place [chuckles] (Participant A2).