II. INTRODUCCIÓN
II.4. C LASIFICACIÓN
II.4.3. Estadiaje
As you’ve already learned in the first part of this book, the surge in hormones that a new relationship brings usu- ally dies down after a few years. When the initial thrill is gone, some people leave. Surely a lot of failed starter mar- riages (no kids, no property) have fallen victim to the myth that love means never having to say you’re not in the mood. Other people quietly stray. And many come to regard the three-year itch as the real beginning of their commitment to each other and a chance to take their rela- tionship to the next level-both sexually and emotionally.
Does the assumption that sex in a long-term relation- ship inevitably gets boring necessarily have to hold true? Sure, after the newness of the relationship wears off, and
certainly after several years of marriage, the rush of sexual excitement wears off too. But then there is a trade-off that comes with its own benefits: It is at this point in life—and in relationships—that couples forego the rush of newness but gain the opportunity to learn what turns each other on and build a richer dimension to their sexual life together. That seems to be something that only happens over time.
Nevertheless, somewhere around the three-year mark, you will discover that you’re not living at the top of the Desire Curve anymore. You don’t yearn for sex as often as you used to. But it’s still good when you have it. To keep your momentum, try these suggestions:
• Don’t wait for spontaneous desire to overtake you again.
Just do it. Your desire is below the surface. Stroke your skin, and find it.
• Don’t panic.
At this stage of the game, some women go into relation- ship crisis mode. They look for signs that he does/does- n’t love them anymore, that he is/isn’t cheating. And they cling when they should relax, let go, and be confi- dent that their desire and their man will be there. • Put time and energy into yourself.
Enroll in a course. Work out. Take up a sport. Read a literary novel.
• Learn new sex techniques.
And don’t learn them because you are desperate to hold, please, or impress him. Do it to expand your sex life.
ADVANCED TECHNIQUE
SPEED SEX
Finding the time to have sex can be a big problem during the commitment years. Sometimes you want to have more sex, but you just aren’t able to because you’re so busy dealing with work, home, and kid commitments. If this sounds like you, it’s time to speed things up! There are two keys to making speed sex work: 1. Get your foreplay whenever and however you can.
(Remember how we talked about that in Chapter 11?) 2. Wear a finger vibe and use it on your clitoris.
Not to mention:
The best speed sex position is bending forward: It’s the easiest
variation of the classic standing-sex position. He approaches you from behind and holds on to your hips as you lean forward. If you are flexible, you can bend over at the waist (as if you were touch- ing your toes in calisthenics). Or you can lean forward onto a bed or chair.
Mutual hand jobs: Hand jobs don’t get the respect they
deserve—they can be great fun and very satisfying. They’re also a good, easy way to shake things up a bit and add some variety to your sexual repertoire, in case you’re feeling like you and your partner are stuck in sex a rut (something else that can also happen when you’re tired and burnt out during the commitment years). Combine passionate kissing with manual stimulation to orgasm. A vibrating cock ring for him and a finger vibe on any fin- ger for her will get you there faster.
Take turns: In this scenario, you fellate him to orgasm tonight. He
returns the favor via cunnilingus tomorrow. And don’t forget your new best friend: the finger vibe.
The requirements for Kabbazah are as follows: • He must be in a relaxed and receptive state of mind
and body. His passivity is crucial.
• She must have a talented vagina. A woman can’t per- form Kabbazah unless she has achieved mastery of her PC muscles through Kegels for at least a period of three weeks to a month.
The female superior and sitting positions are better than other positions for Kabbazah.
ADVANCED TECHNIQUE
Add the O Loop to Karezza or Kabbazah. You won’t lose your arousal focus and your orgasms will be more intense
CONCEPTION SEX
More women have fertility issues now than in the past, and there are several reasons for that. Biologically, a woman is most likely to conceive during her early twen- ties. Culturally, she is most likely to be ready to conceive several (or more) years later. The media tends to cover fer- tility issues as success stories, downplaying or leaving out entirely the painful details and the failed attempts to con- ceive. The result is that women in their late thirties or younger are shocked to discover that creating a baby isn’t something that they can always make happen without too much trouble. Suddenly sex is another chore, but one that weighs especially heavy on both partners because the out- come is so important to them.
Is it possible to have hot sex under these circum- stances? Probably not, unless you get really mad at each other. Then the adrenalin boost can amp up the sex. But failing that, it is possible to have a tender, loving sexual experience, the kind of sex you will treasure in your mem- ories for the rest of your life, when there is so much pres- sure on the outcome of each session.