Estimación de la efectividad

PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e out of c ont r ol w i t h y our emot i ons HABI T: Tak e a f i v e- t o f i f t een-mi nut e t i me out . Say , “I need a t i me out ,” or si mpl y say “Code Red.” Then go i nt o anot her r oom t o c al m y our sel f dow n. Begi n b y c ount i ng t en ex hal at i ons; mak e t hem l ong and l ow i n y our b ody . Pur se y our l i ps as i f y ou’r e b l ow i ng ai r t hr ough a st r aw . N ex t ei t her spl ash c ol d w at er on y our f ac e, nec k , and w r i st s, or

c ount b ac k w ar ds f r om 1 00 b y t hr ees (1 00, 97 , 94, 91 , 88 …). Fi nal l y , w hen y ou f eel mor e i n c ont r ol , r et ur n t o y our par t ner and say , “I’m r eady t o t r y agai n.”

W hen y ou see t hat y our par t ner i s out of c ont r ol , suggest , “I t hi nk w e b ot h need a t i me out .” Bef or e goi ng i nt o anot her r oom, ex pl ai n t hat y ou w i l l r et ur n i n f i f t een mi nut es b ut t hat i t i sn’t pr oduc t i v e t o k eep t he c onv er sat i on goi ng under pr esent c ondi t i ons. Tr y i ng t o c onv er se w i t h someone w ho i s out of c ont r ol i s l i k e t r y i ng t o t al k w i t h an ex t r emel y dr unk per son. It doesn’t w or k . PURPOSE: W hen y ou get ov er -t he-t op upset , y ou ar e i n w hat I c al l “c ode r ed.” Your b ody i s f l ooded b y adr enal i n and c or t i sol . The el ec t r i c al si gnal s f r om y our l i mb i c sy st em (t he emot i onal par t of t he b r ai n) t r ansmi t t w o t i mes f ast er t han t he el ec t r i c al si gnal s f r om t he neoc or t ex (t he r easoni ng par t of t he b r ai n). That means t hat y ou c annot t hi nk c l ear l y b ec ause y our b ody has k i c k ed i nt o t he “f i ght /f l i ght or f r eeze” r esponse.

Tak i ng a t i me out , muc h as gi v i ng one t o a c hi l d w ho i s hav i ng a t ant r um, i s a w ay t o c ont ai n y our sel f unt i l t he st or m passes. A ser i es of deep and l ong ex hal at i ons i s one of t he qui c k est and most ef f ec t i v e w ay s t o st i mul at e t he par asy mpat het i c ner v ous sy st em (t he c al mi ng mec hani sm i n t he b ody ). Spl ashi ng c ol d w at er on y our f ac e i s a w ay t o c ool dow n t he b ody , and c ount i ng b ac k w ar ds hel ps r edi r ec t t he r eac t i v e mi nd. Bot h hel p y ou sel f -r egul at e (c al m y our sel f dow n). Onc e y ou’v e r eac hed a “c ode gr een,” y ou’r e r eady t o t r y agai n.

Jenni f er and Gr ant w er e a v ol at i l e c oupl e. They f r equent l y had dr amat i c shout i ng mat c hes, w hi c h of t en r esul t ed i n t ear s, sl ammed door s, and oc c asi onal l y shat t er ed di shes. They w er e empt y nest er s now , and Jenni f er w as t hr eat eni ng t o l eav e Gr ant i f he c oul dn’t get hi s anger under c ont r ol .

To addr ess t hi s pr ob l em, I had t aught t hem a sy st em of al ar m i dent i f i c at i on. If t hey w er e b ot h i n a r easonab l y c al m st at e (c ode gr een), t hey c oul d pr oc eed w i t h any di sc ussi on. How ev er , i f t hey saw si gns of c ode r ed (shout i ng, sc r eami ng, sl ammi ng, sob b i ng), t hey needed t o ab or t t he di sc ussi on and t ak e a t i me out . Most peopl e al so hav e a “c ode y el l ow ,” (w ar ni ng, danger ), b ut Jenni f er and Gr ant t ended t o esc al at e t o c ode r ed i n a hear t b eat .

They c ame i nt o t he sessi on and Jenni f er sai d, “I’m r eal l y at t he end of my r ope. W e had a gigantic f i ght l ast Sat ur day . It ex pl oded. Gr ant got dr unk —he smashed a v ase— and I near l y c al l ed t he c ops. I just don’t see how w e c an go on.” Gr ant hung hi s head.

“I agr ee t hat y ou shoul dn’t c ont i nue t o hav e t hese sc enes,” I sai d. “Let ’s b ac k i t up. Tel l me how i t st ar t ed.”

Jenni f er sai d t hey ’d b een ar gui ng ov er w het her t o gi v e t hei r gr ow n daught er some money f or a dow n pay ment on a c ar . A s t hei r di sagr eement pr ogr essed, Gr ant t ol d Jenni f er t hat she w as i r r esponsi b l e w i t h money , and t hen he b egan dow ni ng shot s of t equi l a.

“I t ol d hi m t hat he w as a dr unk , a l ousy dad, and a c heapsk at e,” she sai d.

“So y ou w al k ed r i ght i nt o t he st or m, huh?” I r epl i ed. (Thi s w as shor t l y af t er Hur r i c ane Sandy b ar r el ed up t he east er n U ni t ed St at es l eav i ng dev ast at i on i n i t s w ak e.) I ex pl ai ned t o Jenni f er t hat w henev er she engaged i n Gr ant ’s st or ms, r at her t han ev ac uat i ng (t ak i ng a t i me out ), she i nv i t ed sev er e damage t o her sel f , t o hi m, and t o t hei r mar r i age. I ex pl ai ned t o t hem ab out t he c ode r ed hab i t and suggest ed t hey w or k on adopt i ng i t .

I don’t k now i f Jenni f er and Gr ant w i l l b e ab l e t o dev el op t he hab i t of st oppi ng a st or m i n i t s t r ac k s, b ut I do k now t hat t he ab i l i t y t o ev ac uat e, c al m dow n, and st ar t ov er i s v i t al f or t he heal t h of t hei r r el at i onshi p. REF LECTI ON: It t ak es t w o peopl e t o w hi p up t he c ondi t i ons f or a t r eac her ous st or m. Do y ou r ec ei v e any b enef i t f r om t he dr ama? A r e y ou w i l l i ng t o end t he esc al at i on?

HABI T 43