A lot of the psychology you will learn in the book can apply to other areas of life like your family and the business world. Being counter intuitive can come in handy in all circumstances where people base their actions on what they believe you will do because that’s what the normal person would do. If your flat-mate left dirty dishes in the sink for the fifth time that week and always argues with you about cleaning them then you begin to mentally predict what will happen this time based on your past experiences.
It usually takes the format of “I will tell him to clean the plates, he wont agree until I do the bathroom, we’ll argue again about having no cleaning products, neither of us will go to the supermarket out of spite and nothing will get done. If you think there’s a chance you will have the argument again, your brain, as if it were being fed a reel of film, will run a mental movie of what will happen.
The next time this argument occurs or even if the slightest sign of it appears to be rearing it’s head, you will get impatient, frustrated and think “Screw going through this again let’s just jump to the end”.
Now your temper is more easily set off as you have mentally worked yourself up.
Jim: Hey T, can you please grab me the salt from the kitchen
T: I’d love to if I could get past the dirty dishes, this is total bullshit, just go to the supermarket and by some cleaning products for the bathroom and don’t be lazy.
Jim: Jesus Christ relax, I just asked for the salt.
How does this relate to seduction? Let me show you. If someone is going to mentally snowball your actions, build up an argument or a stereotype in their head about you then they have put themselves in a fairly definitive frame of mind. Persuading, arguing and negotiating with them can all work but they can be slow and frustrating processes.
Step back and ask yourself “What can I do that is different to what I normally would do that would catch them off guard”. People come into business meetings, social events and even their own homes mentally prepared. They expect things to go a certain way because that’s what always happens. Women that you approach in a nightclub will judge you firstly on appearance and secondly on what you say in the first 30 seconds. They will generally believe they have you stereotyped, sometimes before you even open your mouth.
I often hear women say “That guy is probably a lawyer / accountant / loser / real-estate agent. But a man, regardless of his looks can turn the tables on them through coming out of left field:
(to her friends): This guy coming up to us looks like some wanker lawyer-type, I’ll bet you anything.
*a conversation begins* So what do you do?
I sit around all day and wonder why the Bold and the Beautiful is still on TV
This is one example, another simpler situation is when someone (perhaps your boss, a hostile alpha male or a pretentious women) accuses you of something e.g. “Only a tosser would wear a necklace like that, it’s probably to get attention because you need to feel loved”. Trust me, this comment sounds out-there but it has been said a lot. Your response options are:
“Fuck you”
“Yeah I guess it is a little flashy”
“Well, I guess as long as I like it that’s what counts ey?”
“You’re so right I need love and affection so badly, I cry myself to sleep at night.
“It’s great for hunting lava lamps”
The first option is the most enjoyable but will end your interaction faster than Michael Jackson can book another nose job.
The second option succumbs to their power and frame of mind. Not only are you agreeing with them putting you down but then you continue to validate yourself to them by saying “I guess it’s a little flashy”. It is logical to think that by apologizing we can get back on their good side. A lot things
seem logical and the right thing to do at the time but do they work? Let me rephrase: do you use a sledgehammer to crack a walnut in order to make you feel like a bigger man? Sure it may fix the problem but it is not a socially acceptable way of doing things.
The third option is even worse as you explicitly seek their validation as opposed to implicitly (above).
The fourth is the way is considerably better. You agree to their claim, they get thrown off guard and then you use sarcasm to both agree and make their claim look ridiculous.
The fifth is my personal favorite. Something so unbelievably obscure that they will swear they misheard you. Quite often a response like “Yeh it’s great for drinking light bulbs” will provoke a “what the hell?” or “um….ok” or “what do you mean?”. Either way you have deflected tension away from you and you now make them feel like the idiot. Quite often they will continually ask you to explain what you said or to “Say it again”. They now want something from you and you have to power whether or not to give it to them (which you won’t).
Congruence
In psychology, congruence could be defined as rapport within oneself, or internal and external consistency, perceived by others as sincerity or certainty.
Congruence, calibration and social savvy are all synonyms and are essential to any interaction. These are terms that are thrown around a lot and it has taken me years to fully understand what it means and how to get there. Ultimately being congruent is the ability to be dynamic. The ability to be able to cater to different audiences in different contexts, yet still win them over.
The best way to become congruent is to screw up your sets. You know that feeling in your stomach, that ‘gut’ feeling you have which is almost like a little voice in your head saying “Don’t say ‘fuck’ in front of the teacher”? That voice is there because when you were younger you did say “fuck” at an inappropriate time and you were reprimanded for it. Because you were punished you learned to be more cautious around certain people when it came to using the word.
In your pickup life there are really about 10-15 different ways an interaction can go. The more you screw up, the more your ‘gut instinct’ will be developed and the more you will feel you no longer need to think about what you should or should not say. It becomes inherent within you and consequently allows you to stay more focused on the conversation rather than being focused on not screwing up. You will be able to live
in the moment, roll with the punches and have the ability to be more dynamic. Concentrate on how the two of you interact with each other rather than how you are planning on interacting with her.